Mom’s Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well) - I

Dear TEAMS,

I guess it’s that time.  Without any warning or sign, you all are growing up and venturing into relationships with significant others.  It is what we have prepared for as parents personally (as we have to let you go), and what we have prayed for you, what we have wished for, and what we have equipped you for all your lives.

And it’s here.  Just like that.  In 5 days, Daddy will put A’s hand on his arm, walk her 45 feet down an aisle, and declare we are releasing her for the rest of her life into the arms of a fine young man with our blessing.  Even as I type, my eyes are tearing up.  As I have often said to you about situations like these in life, “I am happy for her, and sad for me…but the happy outweighs the sad.”

You have seen in previous posts things about dating and things about your romantic relationships.  After having many long, fruitful discussions with E about her own pursuits, I thought it was time to write down some of what I have said.  So, I’m calling this series of posts, Mom’s Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well).

Before I begin, I want to clarify that I am not perfect, and your father is not perfect, and Daddy and I don’t have a perfect marriage.  We have our own problems and continue to work on them.  But, we are committed for life to each other.  That’s the purpose of a wedding, despite what Bridezilla and Disney™ and American culture portrays.  And, given that about half of the population has faced some of the problems we have had in our marriage and decided to end their relationship over those   I say this with deep respect for those who decided to end their marriages, because the pain and betrayal and overwhelming confusion was tangible.  I validate their very real pain.  And some of them had Biblical authority to end their relationships, which is a topic for another time.  

A's Wedding Dress, awaiting the big day!

problems, I believe I have some authority in this area simply because I chose to stay and continue to choose to stay.

But, I just want you to understand that when you are wishing us well on our 70^th anniversary, it was not some random accident or that we were “highly compatible” or that we're just really nice people that we ended up that way.  It was because we chose to stay, pure and simple.  We chose the institution of marriage over ourselves, which was hard when injustice at the hand of the other was occurring and we had no guarantee—save our faith that God wanted the best for us in life and for our marriage—that it wouldn’t remain as draining as it was.  I have counseled women who have left their husbands because that man didn’t pay attention to their needs (which is tragic and unBiblical) and have yet to hear a good answer when I ask them, If you didn’t mean what you said on your wedding day, why didn’t you just live together?  Because the answer to that negates the reason they choose divorce over staying and making it work.

I caution you that what you are about to read is going to sound as about “unfun” as it gets.  The temptation will be to attribute what I am saying to some Puritan or ascetic viewpoint on marriage.  I am not saying anything of the sort.  Any one of the three circles I will mention provides so much life, satisfaction, and enjoyment, it is hard to limit them by mere words.  My purpose is to provide some practical advice to you as you approach a lifelong relationship.  I will use text from this series in the near future in my letters to you, I am sure.

So, here is my version of Marriage 101.  Move over, Cinderella, because your fairy godmother needed to give you more than a dress...

Love,

It’s Never About the Black Olives

Dear TEAMS,

Throughout your lives at home with us, you have heard us mention this phrase here and there when we were discussing an issue that generated unusual emotional response.  It was one we coined early on in our marriage.

We were newlyweds, and life was stressful.  We barely had finished opening wedding gifts and finding a place for them in our tiny apartment that we packed up everything and moved 600 miles away so Daddy could begin seminary.  While we had a wonderful send-off party and 30 people helping us load the moving truck, our arrival was quiet and unnoticed.  The door to our new apartment swung open and echoed through the empty kitchen, and it hit us.  We were on our own now, just the two of us. 

 

Over the next few weeks, we set about making our new home.  Daddy started school, I got a job, and we started church shopping.  We went to the church nearest our home, and soon after, our pastor's wife invited us to a post-church group lunch so we could get to know people.  Everyone who came was bringing an item to make taco salads.  Our assignment was the black olives.  

Sunday morning came and with it a comedy routine to get out the door.  Of course, we had overslept.  Of course, we had forgotten the hot water runs out earlier Sunday mornings.  Darryl needed to iron his shirt, there was a stain on my skirt, and I had forgotten to slice the black olives!  My wet hair dripped onto the back of my shirt as I dashed into the kitchen and quickly opened the 2 cans of black olives and began to slice.  Daddy, wanting to pitch in so we could get to church on time, sat beside me at the kitchen table and began to cut the olives--lengthwise, into wedges.

"That's interesting," I said, “You cut your black olives for the salad into little boats while I cut them into rings.”

"You know," he replied, "I never thought about that.  I guess I do.  It just seems easier."

Obviously, my hint was too subtle.  Sweetly, I asked, "Honey, do you think people will know that they are black olives?  I mean, in restaurants taco salads usually have black olives that are in rings, not wedges."

Daddy looked at me, and replied a little more sweetly to me than I had talked to him.  "I think until we mix up your circles with my wedges, they will know they are black olives."

My eyes narrowed.  So did his.  Restraining myself, I tried to explain to him why he needed to cease and desist with his wedge cutting.  He responded even more edgily why it didn't matter.  They were black olives, for Pete's sake.

What followed was a fight that had to do with black olives as much as night has to do with day.  Everything in our relationship that had been simmering for months came up: housekeeping; meals; intimate relations; money; and, of all things, a houseplant.  It was brutal.  The man I had never known to raise his voice loud enough to cheer on his favorite team was breaking the sound barrier.  I returned to my childhood days as a hotheaded, tantrum-throwing, screaming banshee.  Never, in our years of knowing each other, had we said such cruel things to each other in the tone (and volume!) of that fight.  We used words like baseball bats, swinging hard to hit the sweet spot of the other.  We didn’t care about the pain, and eventually the scars, we were causing the other.  We only stopped the argument because we had now missed church and were late to the lunch.  

We made quite an impression on that church group, I’m sure, given we refused to speak to each other.  On the way home from the afternoon, we began to talk again.  We miserably dissected the day's events and realized how the olive cutting had triggered deeper feelings of insecurity, lack of control, and selfishness in our marriage.  It was a painful realization of how much we lacked maturity and the good communication in marriage that takes work, time, and the humility to look below the surface and face what’s swimming around.  The fight hadn’t been about the black olives, it was about all the things underneath that caused the emotional struggle, behavior and outburst.

All these years later, we still use the term to get on the same page about something and remind each other that conflict never happens in a vacuum.  Whether it’s with one of you or each other, if some seemingly insignificant event causes a storm, we need to address what’s really going on.

Love,

How to Deal with an Opinionated Person

Dear TEAMS,

We’ve all met them when we least expect it.  We’re with a group of people and the conversation is going well and people are laughing and having a great time.  Then one person—sometimes he/she has been quieter than the rest—says something about the topic at hand that makes everybody stop and listen.  What follows in the next few minutes is sentence after sentence about his/her opinion about the topic, and it is generally very radical and punctuated with animated gestures, passion, and feeling.  After he/she stops, one of two things happen:  1) awkward silence followed by someone else saying something to generate a little laughter and get the group back to its original equilibrium; or 2) another person from a differing viewpoint begins to speak his/her own opinion addressing the issues of the first.  One by one, group members pull away until the two (or three) left are there by themselves without even realizing it.

I speak this with confidence because in my teens and early twenties, I tended to be the vocal one, usually about spiritual and religious topics.  I truly had no idea that others wouldn’t naturally want to hear my position on things, in that everyone had just been talking about the topic.  And, of course, since it was about God (and I was generally with Christians), it never even dawned on me that people wouldn’t want to talk about Him and debate interpretations of the Bible.  Thankfully, in the many years since, Father has transformed my mind into an even greater concept and truth about Truth.  

I was walking with one of you this morning and you related that recently something just as I explained above happened to you at a party.  You were taken aback, but you also highly regarded this person and wondered if you had missed something in your own beliefs.  I was flattered that you wanted my opinion on the subject the person had the strong opinion on, but I also wanted to help you get a life lesson out of the whole deal.

My time is currency, and I value it as such.  Because of that, I have learned how to be efficient when I am now faced with a situation as this.  Here is my Rule of Thumb when faced with a person such as this.

A person who has a strong, divergent opinion about something warrants listening and engagement if, and only if,

1. I would characterize his/her life as one of contentment;
2. I would describe him/her as “very accepting” of other people;
3. He/she is known for being a peaceful person in word and deed.

If I cannot score a person with at least a 2.5 (meaning 2 of them are true and one is sometimes true), I simply smile and at the first possible break in the conversation, I excuse myself.  And please note, the Holy Spirit always trumps the Rule of Thumb.  If I feel a niggle to stay because God wishes me to minister to them somehow, I hang tight.  But that simply doesn’t happen a lot.

You know my heart and that I am not a mean person.  You also know I am a big fan of the underdog.  But I will tell you that with years of experience with people as this, and being a reformed one myself, this is the absolute best use of my time with them and also serves them by respectfully teaching them another reality.  Namely, that people are more important than being right, and 9 times out of 10, you’re not right anyway because you will change.

If you think about it, Jesus did this ALL THE TIME.  I mean, seriously, who could be more right than Jesus?  Yet, He never hit people over the head with what He believed (which happened to be Truth), but put everything through a filter of love and compassion and speaking to the listeners in a way that would draw them in.  The three questions I ask myself at these times (Is he/she content, accepting of people, peaceful in word and deed?) actually have a deeper revelation to them, but I guess that’s for another post if it ever comes up again.

And please, if you’re ever in a group talking and you notice people are leaving you, evaluate if you might need to change the subject!

Love,

POINTING PERSON
© Dawn Hudson | Dreamstime.com

Discipline—How to Discipline a Child, Paddies Needed

Dear TEAMS,

I have been speaking with you about discipline as training, and I wanted to talk with you about spanking, which we did with you.

We did not call it spanking in our house because of the negative connotation society has associated with that word.  It has, in some circles, become synonymous with abuse.  And it bears restating that spanking that is emotion-led and from a heart of frustration is abuse, in my book.  We instead used the term “paddies,” mostly because if we were overheard warning you that “Paddies are next…” in public it might raise eyebrows but wouldn’t get the same emotional reaction as “spankings.”

First though, a few guidelines…a checklist for you to evaluate your heart and make sure you are keeping paddies effective:

• Paddies are not done to “show who’s the boss” or exercise power over the child.  Kids already know adults are in charge.  Paddies are creating an unpleasant experience for the child to associate with the behavior that is not good for them to have.
• Paddies are never done with a hand.  We had the “Paddy Spoon.”  Some days, I had to walk around with it in my back pocket.  S managed to hide the Paddy Spoon on me fairly often…one day I found it in the van!  I wanted you to associate my hand with tender love, not tough love.  Also, having "the Spoon" made it easier to have a secret message for an offender.  As in, if one of you was doing something wrong and we were in a group, I could pull out the spoon and point to it to send you a clear message.
• Paddies are only ever given as a backup after another form of training has not stopped the undesirable behavior.  So, if redirection didn’t work, and then sitting quietly in the chair in the middle of the room didn’t work, then paddies were used.  Please see the last post for a script I used.
• Paddies are only ever administrated in the sequence listed below, because paddies don’t change a heart.
• If you are emotionally frustrated or angry, you should not use paddies because they will be harder than you need (and really want to administer).
• If there are multiple paddies being given in a day, the fault lies with you, not the child.  The child is trying to get attention.  Stop what you’re doing and spend time with them, or with all the children.



Our actual Paddy Spoon, Third Edition

• There is a point at which paddies became less effective and we had greater leverage by withdrawing desired things.  I think by the age of 6 all of you were at a point that I found paddies less effective for the “big stuff.”  There might have been one or two events later, but they must have been fairly serious infractions.

How We Used Paddies (All Steps Necessary):

1. [Child does undesirable behavior.  Pull child away from place where they are to more private place. Do the process I spoke of in the last post.  If child continues disobedience…]
2. [Name of child], if you continue to do what you are doing, you will get paddies.  Do you want to get paddies?  (Because you are not idiots, the answer was always, No.)
3. Okay, well I am going to count to 3.  If you are still [doing whatever] by the time I get to 3, you will have to go get the spoon.  (I couldn’t always have you guys fetch the spoon, but it added to the time you had to think.)
4. 1….2… (by this time I was really praying you’d make a good choice to end it)….3.  If the behavior didn’t stop…
5. Take the child to a private area.
6. Say, “Do you know why you are getting paddies?”  (Wait for answer.  I don’t remember if you ever didn’t know, but if you didn’t then I wouldn’t have administered paddies.  But with all of the previous steps warning you, I was pretty sure we were in the “willful disobedience” waters.)
7. What Rule of the House does that break?  (They answer.)
8. Okay, so now I am giving you 2 paddies because [restated what they did wrong so they associate the action with the paddies].  I usually administered the paddies at the top of the back of the leg, or at the side of the thigh.  I did not swing my arm back high, but usually used my wrist.  The only tears I was looking for were tears of repentance, not of pain.
9. After the two paddies were administered, I would then ask you why you got paddies.  (I know it seems like overkill, but I wanted you to really make the connection with the behavior and something undesirable happening.)
10. Then I asked hugged you and told you that I loved you and that I was sorry you made that choice.  I also prayed with you, asking the Father to make the discipline be something that would help you in your life.  I also told you that if you did it again, the next time you would get 4 paddies.  (And they would increase by 2 every time.)  Rarely would you go back out and repeat the infraction and we had to repeat the exercise and give 4.  There were two separate times 2 of you got more.  It was traumatic for me, but I kept a straight face and you got the message when we hit double digits.

Many of my extended family didn’t approve of us using “corporal punishment,” as they called it.  That was hard for me.  But, as with all things your father and I did, we came back to the litmus test of “Are we raising children who will be successful adults because they understand the greater concepts of the ‘real’ world?”  In the real world, there are natural consequences for bad choices.  It might be as subtle as withdrawing conversation from someone at a party who makes the bad choice of talking about themself all the time, or it might be as blatant as prison for committing a crime.  But that is the real world.  The point is to encourage the child to make good choices even when he/she doesn’t feel like it, even if he/she is tired, even if he/she doesn’t like the way things are.  And to be giving so much love that paddies are a blip on a screen surrounded by acceptance, kindness, and solid relationship.

Love,