How to Deal with Tattling

Dear TEAMS,

This morning, I was asked by a mother of a 5 and 7 year old what I did when the children tattled on each other.  I had to think for a moment, because I am 10 years out from that situation.  Then, I had to think about not being sad that I’m 10 years out of that situation so I could answer her question.  Back to the issue at hand, my answer was pretty simple, gleaned from somewhere before I was a parent  when I read something random written by someone wiser than me:  

1. Listen to the whole story the little one is trying to tell you. 
2. Let them know you heard them with a simple affirmation that you understand, or you could even repeat back what you heard.  The important thing is letting the child know he/she was being listened to.
3. Then say, “And what did you do?”  Not meaning, “What did you do after your brother did this or that?” but, “What did you do to make your brother do this or that?”
4. Pause while this sinks in.  Be sure to nicely ask again if the child does not respond.
5. Repeat back to the child what he/she just said to incriminate him/herself and ask if you heard correctly.
6. Usually, by the time the child has gotten his/her words out of her mouth, he/she is aware that the battle is lost.  Ask the child if they would like to continue playing or take a time out and then go back to play, and just follow that lead.
7. If the other child was doing something violating the rules of play, creating a dangerous situation, or something blatantly wrong, that situation should be tended to.  Preface the discipline for that infraction with, “I just talked with Johnnie about something he was doing wrong concerning tattling.  However, he told me that you were [x].  He was wrong to tattle, but what were you doing wrong?”
8. Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

The psychology behind this method is that a child is tattling for the sole purpose of getting the other child in trouble.  His/her motivation for this is myriad:  he is tired, envious, hungry, sick of the game, feeling frustrated about something unrelated in his life, feeling angry about something else going on in his life and is processing it, wants to be mean, wants to see if you are a fair parent, wants to see if the boundaries you have set up will be enforced, wants to feel safe…and even more.  By you asking what that child’s responsibilities were in the issue he/she cites, it 1) keeps the child from getting what he/she wants (which is unkind, no matter how wrong the other child was), and 2) gives the child a glimpse of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with what he/she is feeling. 

Of course, you can’t sit there and explain this to the child, but it sets the stage for later in life when you are able to carry on a rational conversation with them when they are older.  When they are acting out about something, you can bring it back to, “What are you feeling right now that is causing you to act this way?  I would like to help you feel better.”

Love, 

Photo credit: © Jyothi | Dreamstime.com