The Last Shall Be First

Dear TEAMS,

Two weekends ago, I stripped the Spiderman and NASCAR sheets off of the twin beds in the boys’ room for the last time, replacing them with matching sets that befit a College Freshman and 14-year old.  The practical side of me was thankful, in that they were old and starting to show significant wear, but the Loving Mommy in me was sobered by the memory of shopping for the bedding and the enthusiasm my boys had for sheets that reflected their interests.  It was a simpler time that the passion of a child was consumed in bedding and other surface things.

When Daddy began working after leaving seminary in Chicago, he had a manager named Bill.  A was just a baby and Bill would reflect with Daddy about his own 7-year old son, with whom he shared custody with his ex-wife.  One of the things he shared with Daddy has stuck with me throughout your lives.  Everyone celebrates the first with kids—first steps, first lost tooth, he said.  No one realizes that life is actually full of the lasts…like the fact that my kid doesn’t want to wear Superman underwear anymore, but underwear like Daddy has.

I reflected on that with the sheets, and how so many “lasts” I really don’t savor.  I don’t remember the last time I put some of you to bed with a story and tucked your sheets in all around while you laid still as a mummy.  I would tell you that it was actually my love I was putting around you as the sheets got tighter and tighter, and my love is so thick that even if you moved, it would still be on you.  Then I would sing the “I Love You Forever” song and the last thing I’d say is, God is always with you, He loves you, and He wants the best for you.

I don’t remember the last time you rode the Big Wheel down the driveway at top speed and into the backyard, seeing how far you could coast.  I just remember asking you if you were going to use it anymore (as broken as it was) and being glad to throw it away and having more room in the breezeway.

I don’t remember the last time you smiled at me with your braces shining, drawing that much more attention to the sincerity and breadth of your happiness.  I just remember being glad you could have them off, because you didn’t enjoy them so much.

I don’t remember the last time I gave you a bath and listened to you laugh and splash and talk with me about questions you had from your day, or comforting you from the fatigue of the day. One day, you took your own shower and I just remember being glad I didn’t have to bathe you anymore and it opened up a little more free time to squeeze in just another thing needing done in a day.

In the movies and TV, there is a soundtrack that plays to get the viewers’ attention when something significant happens.  Life doesn’t have one of those soundtracks.  If it did, I suppose the last time you hopped off the Big Wheel and brought it into the breezeway to clean up the yard, there would have been some romantic, poetic, music playing and I could have wistfully realized I had just witnessed a “last.”  But, without fanfare, you hopped off the toy and put it away and it just didn’t hold your interest anymore, or you grew too big, or you graduated to your bicycle.

I never want to live in regret, nor do I want to look backwards.  As your Grandpa K told me once:  History is like a rearview mirror in a car.  You look through the windshield to where you’re headed most of the time to drive safely, but you have to check the rear view mirror every so often to make sure things are safe back there as well so you can have complete information about the drive.

This letter is just one of those rearview mirror moments.  Knowing that “lasts” are all around me, I want to be present in each moment so that when I look back and realize it was a “last,” I can be glad I was there and living it.

Love,

Photo: © Svetlana Tikhonova | Dreamstime.com

How to Deal with Tattling

Dear TEAMS,

This morning, I was asked by a mother of a 5 and 7 year old what I did when the children tattled on each other.  I had to think for a moment, because I am 10 years out from that situation.  Then, I had to think about not being sad that I’m 10 years out of that situation so I could answer her question.  Back to the issue at hand, my answer was pretty simple, gleaned from somewhere before I was a parent  when I read something random written by someone wiser than me:  

1. Listen to the whole story the little one is trying to tell you. 
2. Let them know you heard them with a simple affirmation that you understand, or you could even repeat back what you heard.  The important thing is letting the child know he/she was being listened to.
3. Then say, “And what did you do?”  Not meaning, “What did you do after your brother did this or that?” but, “What did you do to make your brother do this or that?”
4. Pause while this sinks in.  Be sure to nicely ask again if the child does not respond.
5. Repeat back to the child what he/she just said to incriminate him/herself and ask if you heard correctly.
6. Usually, by the time the child has gotten his/her words out of her mouth, he/she is aware that the battle is lost.  Ask the child if they would like to continue playing or take a time out and then go back to play, and just follow that lead.
7. If the other child was doing something violating the rules of play, creating a dangerous situation, or something blatantly wrong, that situation should be tended to.  Preface the discipline for that infraction with, “I just talked with Johnnie about something he was doing wrong concerning tattling.  However, he told me that you were [x].  He was wrong to tattle, but what were you doing wrong?”
8. Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

The psychology behind this method is that a child is tattling for the sole purpose of getting the other child in trouble.  His/her motivation for this is myriad:  he is tired, envious, hungry, sick of the game, feeling frustrated about something unrelated in his life, feeling angry about something else going on in his life and is processing it, wants to be mean, wants to see if you are a fair parent, wants to see if the boundaries you have set up will be enforced, wants to feel safe…and even more.  By you asking what that child’s responsibilities were in the issue he/she cites, it 1) keeps the child from getting what he/she wants (which is unkind, no matter how wrong the other child was), and 2) gives the child a glimpse of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with what he/she is feeling. 

Of course, you can’t sit there and explain this to the child, but it sets the stage for later in life when you are able to carry on a rational conversation with them when they are older.  When they are acting out about something, you can bring it back to, “What are you feeling right now that is causing you to act this way?  I would like to help you feel better.”

Love, 

Photo credit: © Jyothi | Dreamstime.com

Secrets I Will Now Tell You

Dear TEAMS, 

So, I don’t know when you will discover this blog.  A few weeks ago, I was getting into the car and out of the blue E looks at me and says, “Mom, I hope you’re writing down what you do with us, because when I have kids, I want to be like you.”  I smiled inwardly and replied, “That’s being taken care of…”

By the time you read this,  your adult brains and perspective will understand the complexity of the parental relationship, and you will see me as a friend more than a Mommy.  That is how it should be.  But now that you’re on my side, I thought you might want to know a few things…just in case you find yourself doing the same things with your children!

1. The reason I made the rule “winner cleans up” the board game (or whatever) we were playing was because I was tired or bored of the game (two words:  “Barnyard Bingo”), tired of hearing the gloating, or tired of hearing the sore loser.
2. Yes, sometimes I did make you take a nap even when you weren’t tired because I needed a break.
3. I would eat your Easter candy without you knowing about it.
4. When you questioned me about why you always had to do the dishes, vacuum, fold the laundry, etc. and I answered “because I already know how and you need to learn,” there actually was a teeny, tiny part of me sometimes that was saying, “Nyah-nyah”…but truly, only tiny!
5. I was always profoundly embarrassed after I raised my voice to you.
6. You treating me disrespectfully hurt my feelings more than I could ever say, but I knew immediately that if you had known how much it had hurt, you would have begged my forgiveness.
7. I hated serving in the concessions stand at baseball games and track meets.  I mean, detested it in a way that I cannot fully convey.  But I did it cheerfully for your sake.
8. It hurt me the first time I went to hug you and you tensed up because you didn’t need my hugs anymore, and for all 5 of you, I turned around and got busy with something so you wouldn’t see my tears.
9. When the baseball dented the Camry, the accident dented the neighbor’s car, the paint was spilled on the basement carpet, etc. etc., both your father’s and my calmness and saying, “No big deal—don’t worry,” on the outside was directly proportional to how much we were freaking out inside.
10. We ultimately got the dogs for us, because we knew that we would ultimately have to take care of them.
11. We honestly didn’t believe you when you would remind us of something we did wrong in our parenting, because we gave you an amazing environment of love, compassion, and provision while you were under our roof.
12. I occasionally did fudge your homeschooling.
13. Sometimes when I called you on the carpet for stuff, I was more afraid of your reaction than you were afraid of being reprimanded.
14. There were many times in our home that I felt like I was supposed to just suck it up and take the crap from you, and I just let it happen because I felt hopeless.
15. I never knew how mothering, done correctly, was life-altering and my salvation.

Love, 

Photo:  © John Siebert | Dreamstime.com

The Problem With…

Dear TEAMS,

The problem with someone’s God being their intellect is that brain cells die.

The problem with someone’s God being their emotions is that they change from hour to hour.  Or, at least they should.

The problem with someone’s God being the Universe is that it has no love.

The problem with someone’s God being entertainment is that the best things in life come from labor and effort.

The problem with someone’s God being food is that it turns into crap and pee.

The problem with someone’s God being their morals is that they shift from culture to culture.

The problem with someone’s God being their friends is that people change.  Or, at least they should.

The problem with someone’s God being their “self” is that it is WAY too small.

The problem with someone’s God being their spouse or kids is that they die and leave.

Our God is not made of earthly stuff that passes away.  He exists apart from feelings.  He is not dependent on our emotions and feelings.  He existed before us, during us, and will exist after us.  And He is crazily, fully, completely and unashamedly consumed with love for us all the time…even when we don’t like Him or think of Him or are busy with our other gods.  He created us and will love us no matter what we do back.  

Someday, you will take the first look at your new son or daughter and be filled with a love that is so intense that you are certain in that moment you are existing in the dimension where God sits.  It will be brief and fleeting, but in that moment you will know that you will never love anyone as much as you do that child, and that you would gladly do anything to protect, grow, and preserve that human.  I know, because it is what I experienced the first nanosecond of taking you in, breathing in your skin, rubbing your soft hair on my cheek, and looking at your unknowing eyes.

My Loves, that is how your God sees you all the time.  If you are not intimate with Him today, I pray you will humbly come before Him and renew that relationship.  If you are intimate with Him today, I pray in this moment of reading this, you will be blessed with an even greater intensity of grateful love towards your Creator, Father, Lord, King, Friend.

Love, 

 

Discipline—How to Discipline a Child, Paddies Needed

Dear TEAMS,

I have been speaking with you about discipline as training, and I wanted to talk with you about spanking, which we did with you.

We did not call it spanking in our house because of the negative connotation society has associated with that word.  It has, in some circles, become synonymous with abuse.  And it bears restating that spanking that is emotion-led and from a heart of frustration is abuse, in my book.  We instead used the term “paddies,” mostly because if we were overheard warning you that “Paddies are next…” in public it might raise eyebrows but wouldn’t get the same emotional reaction as “spankings.”

First though, a few guidelines…a checklist for you to evaluate your heart and make sure you are keeping paddies effective:

• Paddies are not done to “show who’s the boss” or exercise power over the child.  Kids already know adults are in charge.  Paddies are creating an unpleasant experience for the child to associate with the behavior that is not good for them to have.
• Paddies are never done with a hand.  We had the “Paddy Spoon.”  Some days, I had to walk around with it in my back pocket.  S managed to hide the Paddy Spoon on me fairly often…one day I found it in the van!  I wanted you to associate my hand with tender love, not tough love.  Also, having "the Spoon" made it easier to have a secret message for an offender.  As in, if one of you was doing something wrong and we were in a group, I could pull out the spoon and point to it to send you a clear message.
• Paddies are only ever given as a backup after another form of training has not stopped the undesirable behavior.  So, if redirection didn’t work, and then sitting quietly in the chair in the middle of the room didn’t work, then paddies were used.  Please see the last post for a script I used.
• Paddies are only ever administrated in the sequence listed below, because paddies don’t change a heart.
• If you are emotionally frustrated or angry, you should not use paddies because they will be harder than you need (and really want to administer).
• If there are multiple paddies being given in a day, the fault lies with you, not the child.  The child is trying to get attention.  Stop what you’re doing and spend time with them, or with all the children.



Our actual Paddy Spoon, Third Edition

• There is a point at which paddies became less effective and we had greater leverage by withdrawing desired things.  I think by the age of 6 all of you were at a point that I found paddies less effective for the “big stuff.”  There might have been one or two events later, but they must have been fairly serious infractions.

How We Used Paddies (All Steps Necessary):

1. [Child does undesirable behavior.  Pull child away from place where they are to more private place. Do the process I spoke of in the last post.  If child continues disobedience…]
2. [Name of child], if you continue to do what you are doing, you will get paddies.  Do you want to get paddies?  (Because you are not idiots, the answer was always, No.)
3. Okay, well I am going to count to 3.  If you are still [doing whatever] by the time I get to 3, you will have to go get the spoon.  (I couldn’t always have you guys fetch the spoon, but it added to the time you had to think.)
4. 1….2… (by this time I was really praying you’d make a good choice to end it)….3.  If the behavior didn’t stop…
5. Take the child to a private area.
6. Say, “Do you know why you are getting paddies?”  (Wait for answer.  I don’t remember if you ever didn’t know, but if you didn’t then I wouldn’t have administered paddies.  But with all of the previous steps warning you, I was pretty sure we were in the “willful disobedience” waters.)
7. What Rule of the House does that break?  (They answer.)
8. Okay, so now I am giving you 2 paddies because [restated what they did wrong so they associate the action with the paddies].  I usually administered the paddies at the top of the back of the leg, or at the side of the thigh.  I did not swing my arm back high, but usually used my wrist.  The only tears I was looking for were tears of repentance, not of pain.
9. After the two paddies were administered, I would then ask you why you got paddies.  (I know it seems like overkill, but I wanted you to really make the connection with the behavior and something undesirable happening.)
10. Then I asked hugged you and told you that I loved you and that I was sorry you made that choice.  I also prayed with you, asking the Father to make the discipline be something that would help you in your life.  I also told you that if you did it again, the next time you would get 4 paddies.  (And they would increase by 2 every time.)  Rarely would you go back out and repeat the infraction and we had to repeat the exercise and give 4.  There were two separate times 2 of you got more.  It was traumatic for me, but I kept a straight face and you got the message when we hit double digits.

Many of my extended family didn’t approve of us using “corporal punishment,” as they called it.  That was hard for me.  But, as with all things your father and I did, we came back to the litmus test of “Are we raising children who will be successful adults because they understand the greater concepts of the ‘real’ world?”  In the real world, there are natural consequences for bad choices.  It might be as subtle as withdrawing conversation from someone at a party who makes the bad choice of talking about themself all the time, or it might be as blatant as prison for committing a crime.  But that is the real world.  The point is to encourage the child to make good choices even when he/she doesn’t feel like it, even if he/she is tired, even if he/she doesn’t like the way things are.  And to be giving so much love that paddies are a blip on a screen surrounded by acceptance, kindness, and solid relationship.

Love,

Discipline—How To Discipline a Young Child, No Paddies Required

Dear TEAMS,

In the previous post, I spoke about the overarching premise of discipline and how it’s not about controlling a child’s behavior.  Now I would like to give you the practical outline of how we disciplined in our home when there was an issue…although seeing as you were the recipients of it, you probably have it memorized by now!

We always had three rules posted in our house:

• Treat other people the way you want to be treated.
• Do what you’re told to do, when you’re told to do it, and do it without whining or complaining.
• When Mommy or Daddy tell you to do something, you respond with, “Yes, Mommy/Yes, Daddy, I will.”

We never needed more than those rules, because all infractions broke one or more of those rules.  Those three little rules were great at addressing the major heart attitudes that caused problems for our household, plus they let you know what boundaries there were.  The first, the Golden Rule, addressed your treatment of others, birthed in you the ability to sympathize and empathize with another person, and also opened you to understanding that God’s way is the best way all the time (seeing as the Saviour of the world commanded this and it hasn’t failed its exercisers yet).  

The second addressed the “how” of what you do…do it in a timely fashion and without causing misery to others.  Ideally, that would allow you to do it with a good attitude, but attitude is a choice.  This at least allowed the other members of our household to be spared the auditory drama that at times would accompany compliance.  (Yes, I am speaking like Temperance “Bones” Brennan to make you laugh!)

The third rule simply allowed you to acknowledge the authority of us to command you to do something.  Our household was a benevolent dictatorship with servant leaders as the adults.  You responding with a “Yes, Mommy” told me that you had heard me, but more importantly, reminded you that I was allowed to be requesting what I was of you…whether you liked it or not, whether you felt like doing it or not, whether it made sense to you or not, etc. etc.

I bring up these rules, because it plays an important part in the Discipline Cycle.  When you were young, if one of you broke the rules, whether by taking a toy from your sibling or outright defying us and not doing something requested of you:

1. I pulled you to the side and asked you the Rules of the House. 
2. I asked you what you did.
3. I asked if that broke any of the Rules of the House and which one?  Usually you were right on.
4. I flipped the situation and asked you, “If you [had the toy, had told me to do something and I didn’t, etc.] and [someone took it from you, I spoke to you that way] how would you feel?”
5. I waited while you thought.
6. I waited some more as you got uncomfortable with understanding what you did that was wrong.
7. I asked you to tell me the answer.
8. When you inevitably told me that you would feel bad about it, I asked you (since you were in the middle of feeling that empathy) if you wouldn’t want the person to say they were sorry.  You always said, Yes.
9. I escorted you to the offended party and told them you had something to say to them, or if it was me, I had you apologize.
10. Then, I prayed a very simple prayer with you and sincerely thanked God for you and that He was teaching you something new.

When apologizing, I always made you say what you were sorry for:  “I’m sorry that I [took your toy, spoke to you rudely, etc.]”

See another post for times when “backup” was needed…

Love, 

Discipline—The Art of

Dear TEAMS,

Both your father and I grew up in a house that used spanking to control our behavior.  (Notice that I did not say spanking as discipline.)  As far as controlling our behavior, it worked well for our parents, because both your father and I didn’t want to get spankings any more than we had to.

This is just another family curse that your daddy and I stopped in your ancestral line.  By all accounts, the woman that raised my father (your Grandpa K)’s mother was literally insane.  My Grandma S endured some pretty serious stuff, and therefore I’m certain my father also endured some serious stuff.   Therefore, he had no training on how to discipline a child, but knew it probably shouldn’t be as bad as what he endured.  I wish to honor my father in that fact…that I truly believe he wanted to go easier on me than what he had.

Your father has a very funny story of his mother chasing him around with a flyswatter, and how he knew it was serious when the Tupperware cake keeper handle was used.  Again, not discipline.

I can only speak from my experience, but spankings in my house were, “If I piss my parents off enough, I will have a sore butt.  And if I do something REALLY wrong, my pants will be pulled down and I will have an even sorer butt.”  This is not discipline.  This is abuse, because at the heart of the spanking was that I did something wrong and my parents were annoyed and were trying to get the thing that was annoying them to stop.  As the recipient of this behavior, I learned to walk in a low level fear and learn to gauge how much I could get away with based on my parent’s moods.  It became a sort of weird game.

Notice that I mention in the previous scenario that I did something wrong.  This is important, because this letter to you is about discipline.  The choice you will have with your own children, my grandchildren, is whether or not you will simply control their behavior or use the opportunity of their failure to obey to help them learn a life skill.  It is a decision you will have to make over and over and over again, because your children will test you over and over again for a variety of reasons and because you will not be the same person every day of your life.  But the truth of discipline never changes:  activity that is meted out simply to get another party to behave a certain way for the convenience of another is selfish at best and abuse at its worst.  True discipline involves a training process by which activity is applied to another along with understanding and knowledge about the activity for the purposes of changing a heart from a harmful state.

There have been failures with both your father and I in our discipline, where we simply punished your behavior.  I regret that, and hope that you will forgive/have forgiven us.  I made it a point to ask your forgiveness afterwards each time.  However, the majority of times I disciplined you, especially as young children, I used the method I talk about in the next posts.  It seemed to work very well and allow you the opportunity to feel respected and loved, even though “paddies” were being used. 

 

And you are all such marvelous people, I believe it was indeed training.

Love,