Mom’s Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well) - II

Dear TEAMS,

Here is the Introduction to this Series. 

In my last post, I made it clear that marriage is not about anything you are trained by certain media to believe.  It is so much richer!

So, conceptually, a rich marriage contains items in 3 categories:  business, friendship, and romance. 

Friendship contains the stuff you do that you do with friends:  recreational activities, social activities, sitting and talking together about common interests, getting coffee, etc.  It’s feeling comfortable with that person all the time, usually because you have similar interests and convictions about life, religion, politics, and a similar sense of humor.  As with any friendships, as one person grows in their individual interests—or, conversely, becomes more selfish or ingrown—the other party is affected by those choices and must adapt to that person’s state of being.  In the friendship aspect of marriage, since there is an understood lifelong commitment, both parties must work through the changes so the marriage remains mutually beneficial. 

Reception Hall Getting Set Up for A's Wedding!

Romance contains the physical attraction you have for your spouse, the airy-fairy feeling (that, I might add, ebbs and flows from day to day, week to week, and year to year but when it comes back is strengthened by the foundations being built and added to from the other circles).  It contains the sexual part of marriage, where you are relating to each other in a way you do not relate to anyone else in this world.  It is the flirting and the personal displays of affection that are appropriate in our culture.  We have brought you up to believe romance’s place is strictly for intentional dating and that sex is for marriage alone.  We did this for the same reason we taught you to respect a hot stove, to look both ways before crossing a street, and kept you from using a chain saw before you had the maturity needed to operate one—as much as you begged to and tried to convince us you were ready.

Business is what consumes most of a marriage.  It is the day-to-day, administrative “stuff” that is always in our lives.  It revolves around finances, kids, housing, food, career, religious involvement, academics, work, etc.  Your father and I are constantly trying to answer questions about what our next move is in x, y, or z.  You kids are constantly needing a game plan about your own xs, ys, and zs as well, and so we try to get on the same page about it all.  Business is probably the least romantic of the three, especially to the woman.  But where both of you come down on these areas warrants careful consideration to keep conflict in the acceptable range of marriage.

Here’s another thing the movies don’t tell you:  because we are fallible humans, rarely are all 3 areas strong at the same time in any marriage.  However, when two are exceptionally strong and the third is  And sometimes, especially in years of great stress and growth, only one area can be relied upon by both parties in marriage to sustain the marriage.  This can be incredibly hard and create cracks and opportunities for bitterness and malice to creep in, or what the Bible refers to as “giving the devil a foothold.”
being nurtured, the marriage is life-giving to each party and is a “successful” marriage.

This is why I mentioned in my first post that the only reason your father and I have some authority in this area is because we chose to stay, even when life got hard.  And let me tell you why…something that the world cannot understand until they get over themselves and start to believe God is Who He says He is:

Your father and I actually were married to Another before we married each other, and our loyalty remains to our first Love.

The minute your father and I chose to believe the Bible was true—even if we could not understand everything in it—we married our Creator.  We chose to have and to hold Him, from this day forward, ‘til death do us finally meet.  We chose to believe He loved us like no other person ever would and that He alone would be our sustenance and supply all our needs according to His amazing wealth and what was done through Christ on earth.

So, despite the way I swoon over Jerry telling Dorothy in Jerry Macguire that “you complete me,” there is a fundamental error in that saying.  Of course, I wish I was a princess 100% of the time in your father’s eyes, as much as he wishes he felt honored by me 100% of the time.  But there was ever only one person who walked the earth that could do that, and we missed meeting Him in person by 2000 years.

Of course, the good news is that we can get to know Him even now.  The Bible declares that my Maker is my husband (Is. 54:5), and that has been my solace many times in my marriage…as it has for your father.  No one person will ever be the perfect spouse for you, and marriage isn’t about that.  Marriage is a cherished, exclusive, intimate relationship you can only have with one other.  But it cannot ever satisfy every whim and desire and “should” you feel is owed to you as a spouse.

Which brings me to my next point.  Someone wiser than me once said, “Love can’t wait to give, lust can’t wait to get.”  I talk about this in my next post.

Love, 

Mom’s Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well) - I

Dear TEAMS,

I guess it’s that time.  Without any warning or sign, you all are growing up and venturing into relationships with significant others.  It is what we have prepared for as parents personally (as we have to let you go), and what we have prayed for you, what we have wished for, and what we have equipped you for all your lives.

And it’s here.  Just like that.  In 5 days, Daddy will put A’s hand on his arm, walk her 45 feet down an aisle, and declare we are releasing her for the rest of her life into the arms of a fine young man with our blessing.  Even as I type, my eyes are tearing up.  As I have often said to you about situations like these in life, “I am happy for her, and sad for me…but the happy outweighs the sad.”

You have seen in previous posts things about dating and things about your romantic relationships.  After having many long, fruitful discussions with E about her own pursuits, I thought it was time to write down some of what I have said.  So, I’m calling this series of posts, Mom’s Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well).

Before I begin, I want to clarify that I am not perfect, and your father is not perfect, and Daddy and I don’t have a perfect marriage.  We have our own problems and continue to work on them.  But, we are committed for life to each other.  That’s the purpose of a wedding, despite what Bridezilla and Disney™ and American culture portrays.  And, given that about half of the population has faced some of the problems we have had in our marriage and decided to end their relationship over those   I say this with deep respect for those who decided to end their marriages, because the pain and betrayal and overwhelming confusion was tangible.  I validate their very real pain.  And some of them had Biblical authority to end their relationships, which is a topic for another time.  

A's Wedding Dress, awaiting the big day!

problems, I believe I have some authority in this area simply because I chose to stay and continue to choose to stay.

But, I just want you to understand that when you are wishing us well on our 70^th anniversary, it was not some random accident or that we were “highly compatible” or that we're just really nice people that we ended up that way.  It was because we chose to stay, pure and simple.  We chose the institution of marriage over ourselves, which was hard when injustice at the hand of the other was occurring and we had no guarantee—save our faith that God wanted the best for us in life and for our marriage—that it wouldn’t remain as draining as it was.  I have counseled women who have left their husbands because that man didn’t pay attention to their needs (which is tragic and unBiblical) and have yet to hear a good answer when I ask them, If you didn’t mean what you said on your wedding day, why didn’t you just live together?  Because the answer to that negates the reason they choose divorce over staying and making it work.

I caution you that what you are about to read is going to sound as about “unfun” as it gets.  The temptation will be to attribute what I am saying to some Puritan or ascetic viewpoint on marriage.  I am not saying anything of the sort.  Any one of the three circles I will mention provides so much life, satisfaction, and enjoyment, it is hard to limit them by mere words.  My purpose is to provide some practical advice to you as you approach a lifelong relationship.  I will use text from this series in the near future in my letters to you, I am sure.

So, here is my version of Marriage 101.  Move over, Cinderella, because your fairy godmother needed to give you more than a dress...

Love,

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Send the Email...

Dear TEAMS,

For posterity, here is the email I sent to all of you yesterday:

My dear family, apple of my eye and object of my undying devotion,

First, my apologies to those who are not guilty/who unintentionally do this once and awhile (and we all do).

Second, I am now at the point where I feel my grace is being cheapened concerning the kitchen and dirty dishes.  In the economy of right and wrong, every time you do not clean up after yourselves, you are wrong.  Period.  The rule in this house is that if you make something dirty, you clean it up.  This is not news to any of you.  However, I still continue to find dishes in the sink, on the counter, left out on the table, and left in the big room.  At no time are there to be dirty dishes left out, waiting to be put in the dishwasher.  Do you "just forget"?  Too bad.  Do you think you'll get to it later when it's your turn?  Tough.  Tie a string around your finger to remind you, set the timer on the stove to remind you, tape a post-it to your forehead to remember...but this is YOUR responsibility to do and to remember.  It is the rule of the house that has been in effect since 2008 and nothing has changed. 

Third, if you don't have a clear/dirty dishwasher to put your dishes in, then it is your responsibility to empty one to make room for it.  Don't have time?  Wanted to watch YouTube instead? Wanted to respond to a text?  In the middle of a movie?  Don't want to?  Have you worked 10 hours already today?  Tough.  It is the rule of the house that has been in effect since 2008 and nothing has changed. 

Fourth, if you dirty up/get out a pan/utensil/appliance/whatever to fix your meal, you are responsible to clean it up immediately after enjoying your meal.  It is the rule of the house that has been in effect since 2008 and nothing has changed. 

Fifth, if you dirty a counter, including leaving crumbs, in the preparation of your meal, you are responsible to clean it up immediately after enjoying your meal.  It is the rule of the house that has been in effect since 2008 and nothing has changed. 

Sixth:  NEW RULE...if you use the collapsible water bottles or drinking thermoses, you must clean them out immediately after getting home.  No more leaving them on the counter.  You may invert them and put them next to the breadmaker to dry.  Just worked 18 hours in a blinding snowstorm?  Oh well.  Guess that warm water will feel good on your hands.  So tired you have to be hospitalized?  I'll take you as soon as you've washed it out.

What you are ultimately communicating when you don't clean up after yourself is that you/your schedule/your obligations/your whatever is more important than anyone else's, or at least more important than the person's who ends up cleaning up after you.  If you truly feel that way about your father or me (who daily run at least one or two dish loads and empty one or two dish loads--EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT OUR JOB), then we need to have a talk about your responsibilities to this family while you live in this benevolent dictatorship.  Everything in this life has a cost, and if you like living here, this is one of them.

I would like to give everyone ONE MORE CHANCE to take this thing that is very important to me seriously.  I think you know me enough by now to know I am full of grace, compassion, and understanding and am not requiring military obedience to the rules of the house.  But I'm done.  This is it...your last chance in this area.

Effective immediately, you are to follow these rules of the kitchen all the time.  However, I will grant everyone about 4 days to get into the habit of cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen because you might need some time.  During that time, if I find dirty dishes, I will call out the person who forgot and you must immediately clean up your area/dishes, and truly, there will be hell to pay if you don't simply answer "ok" and start moving in that direction.  If the infractions continue after that time, I hereby reserve the right at any time in the future to:

• require you to buy your own dishes, silverware, pots and pans and if you don't clean them, put them in your room so they can junk up YOUR space instead;
  
• make you buy paper plates and cups that you keep in your room and use them and throw them out.
• set aside all offending dishes with your name on them to clean up by hand, meaning with hot water and dish soap;
  
• anything else that is completely ridiculous I have to even suggest (like the above) that I want to do to make you understand this is simply unacceptable.

And let me make one final thing clear:  NOT ONE OF YOU has the right to say that I've "had a meltdown," "gone off the deep end," "went ballistic," or any other phrasing about this.  I have been nothing but kind, accepting, sweet, gentle, and loving about this.  In fact, I am taking this all in stride and will forget about this once I stand up from this computer.  IF YOU ARE TEMPTED TO SAY THIS about me, you are passing the blame instead of accepting responsibility for your wrongdoing.  I am completely absolved of any judgement in this situation, and you know it.

And D, just putting this out there, you being sarcastic or teasing me about my "analness" in cleaning up, calling me S, stating that it's not safe to be holding onto a dirty dish in the kitchen will not benefit our relationship, and in fact, will have fairly serious consequences.  Like, I will start teasing you in front of any one I choose about the stuff that's important to you that you have every right to expect from your family.  Seriously.  You do not want to go there with me.

And, in case I haven't made myself perfectly clear:  Our kitchen is to--at all times--be cleaned up and everyone who lives here is responsible to see that it remains so.

Love,

Lesson from a Spartan: Wisdom Rocks

Dear TEAMS,

This past Saturday, I was honored to run and complete the Spartan Race at Blue Mountain Ski Area in Palmerton, PA.  I know that T and S might remember me telling them the day before that I was nervous about it and needed some leniency and grace with their normal challenging me in “mom” stuff.  

Race morning at 5:45 AM, I found love notes of encouragement from T and A which made my heart soar and feel so comforted.  Then after we got home, all of you in your own way said, “Great job, Mom!”  This made my smile that much bigger and made my already proud chest expand that much wider.  You guys are wonderful that already you would acknowledge my achievement—not many kids at your present ages would.

I cannot convey to you how extraordinarily proud I feel this Monday morning.  I always feel great pride in you as children, and I live in a dull, continuing pride in myself for being the kind of mother that I am.  As earlier posts have intimated, to have children as you, it only cost me everything.  And you were worth every tear, act of submission, emotional cost, physical cost, etc.—because ultimately I was emptying myself of the stuff that got in the way of treating you the way God ordained and built my relationship with Him.  But the pride I feel this morning, well, I haven’t felt this way in quite some time.  The course was arduous and I completed it with integrity and met one of the 2 pre-race goals I had set:  to finish within 2 hours, 45 minutes.  I finished in 2:32:00.

The other goal—to attempt every obstacle—I did not do.  The race had 25 obstacles over its 4 mile upmountain/downmountain climb.  In the last half mile, there were the following obstacles:  crawling under 50-100 yards of barbed wire in extremely coarse mud, some puddles being a foot deep; scaling an acute angled wall, starting in 3 feet of muddy water;  scaling an 8 foot wall; climbing a 25 foot rope and ringing a bell, starting in 3 feet of muddy water; climbing under barbed wire to a high, A-frame structure that had ropes to climb up one side and ladder boards to climb down the other; jump over a fire; and run a gauntlet of men who were hitting people with big, heavy sticks with pads on the end.

My actual Spartan Medal.  I did it.

By the time I was at the first barbed wire, about 2 hours had passed.  I was aware that fatigue was setting in, although I certainly felt strong enough to cross the finish line.  After getting through the mud, Sean P., who had caught up to me, offered to help me over the wall.  I declined, because I was aware—while I was able to"muddle" through it with help--I didn’t have enough strength left in my reserves to do the obstacle well enough without exercising the type of caution I needed on the other side to get down.  Sean pressed me, thinking I just needed encouragement.  I simply explained to him that it wasn’t that I was afraid of the obstacle.  I just was aware of what I could and couldn’t do at this point in the race, and felt it was better just to walk around and do the 30 burpees on the other side.  I walked around the medic team who was tending to the woman with (I think) a broken leg at the left of the obstacle, and started to do the drill. 

At this point in the race, I could only do about 10 in a row without stopping.  I listened as the people behind me slid down that side of the obstacle, slimy and slippery as it was from the muck and mud.  Vroom, thud.  Vroom, thud, thud.  Lots of people sliding and landing in mud below. 

As I started my second set of 10, I heard an especially loud thud and the distinctive sound of a crack.  Immediate shouts of “Medic, Medic!” and someone running made me stop and turn.  There, sitting in the mud at the bottom of the slope, was a young man in his 20s, holding his leg up.  At the bottom of his leg, his foot was turned to the right about 180 degrees, so his toes were pointing backwards.  He was smiling.  Everyone around him was telling him not to move.  I was so tired, all I could think was a very factual, “That man just broke his foot off.  He will need extensive surgery, with pins.  His recovery will probably be close to a year.  For the rest of his life, he will be hampered from the damage done.”  And then, I went back to my burpees.

(I know it sounds a little calloused, but that is what the Race is like.  Every person is out to achieve their individual goals, and if a medic hadn’t been available for the injury on the other side, I am sure the camaraderie of the Event would have had him tended to by many.)

When I finished my burpees, I turned again to see his status, and he was still sitting there, with the same smile on his face.  A Race rep was right by him, telling him not to move.  He looked almost goofy, as if he didn’t realize that toes shouldn’t point that way.   My analysis/survival mode realized he was probably starting to trend to shock.  And, that there was nothing I could do.  So, off I ran.

As I ran down the hill to the next obstacle, I had a moment of non-narrative clarity.  I knew myself well enough to know the previous obstacle shouldn’t be done by me in the state I was in, and I even got to see proof that what I knew was right.  But that knowing—that unquestioned, unpretentious reaction to the obstacle that was knee-jerk in its timing—was actually wisdom.  I knew that I knew something (I wasn’t strong enough to complete the wall safely), and I chose to act on that truth over how I felt in the moment or emotional consequences I might face later.

There is a reason Proverbs 3 dwells on wisdom.  Its benefits are at listed at length.  However, I’m here to tell you that on Saturday, I lived the benefit of having wisdom listed in verse 26:  And will keep your foot from being caught.  Or, in that poor man’s case, keep my foot from sustaining a life-altering injury.

Love,