It’s Never About the Black Olives

Dear TEAMS,

Throughout your lives at home with us, you have heard us mention this phrase here and there when we were discussing an issue that generated unusual emotional response.  It was one we coined early on in our marriage.

We were newlyweds, and life was stressful.  We barely had finished opening wedding gifts and finding a place for them in our tiny apartment that we packed up everything and moved 600 miles away so Daddy could begin seminary.  While we had a wonderful send-off party and 30 people helping us load the moving truck, our arrival was quiet and unnoticed.  The door to our new apartment swung open and echoed through the empty kitchen, and it hit us.  We were on our own now, just the two of us. 

 

Over the next few weeks, we set about making our new home.  Daddy started school, I got a job, and we started church shopping.  We went to the church nearest our home, and soon after, our pastor's wife invited us to a post-church group lunch so we could get to know people.  Everyone who came was bringing an item to make taco salads.  Our assignment was the black olives.  

Sunday morning came and with it a comedy routine to get out the door.  Of course, we had overslept.  Of course, we had forgotten the hot water runs out earlier Sunday mornings.  Darryl needed to iron his shirt, there was a stain on my skirt, and I had forgotten to slice the black olives!  My wet hair dripped onto the back of my shirt as I dashed into the kitchen and quickly opened the 2 cans of black olives and began to slice.  Daddy, wanting to pitch in so we could get to church on time, sat beside me at the kitchen table and began to cut the olives--lengthwise, into wedges.

"That's interesting," I said, “You cut your black olives for the salad into little boats while I cut them into rings.”

"You know," he replied, "I never thought about that.  I guess I do.  It just seems easier."

Obviously, my hint was too subtle.  Sweetly, I asked, "Honey, do you think people will know that they are black olives?  I mean, in restaurants taco salads usually have black olives that are in rings, not wedges."

Daddy looked at me, and replied a little more sweetly to me than I had talked to him.  "I think until we mix up your circles with my wedges, they will know they are black olives."

My eyes narrowed.  So did his.  Restraining myself, I tried to explain to him why he needed to cease and desist with his wedge cutting.  He responded even more edgily why it didn't matter.  They were black olives, for Pete's sake.

What followed was a fight that had to do with black olives as much as night has to do with day.  Everything in our relationship that had been simmering for months came up: housekeeping; meals; intimate relations; money; and, of all things, a houseplant.  It was brutal.  The man I had never known to raise his voice loud enough to cheer on his favorite team was breaking the sound barrier.  I returned to my childhood days as a hotheaded, tantrum-throwing, screaming banshee.  Never, in our years of knowing each other, had we said such cruel things to each other in the tone (and volume!) of that fight.  We used words like baseball bats, swinging hard to hit the sweet spot of the other.  We didn’t care about the pain, and eventually the scars, we were causing the other.  We only stopped the argument because we had now missed church and were late to the lunch.  

We made quite an impression on that church group, I’m sure, given we refused to speak to each other.  On the way home from the afternoon, we began to talk again.  We miserably dissected the day's events and realized how the olive cutting had triggered deeper feelings of insecurity, lack of control, and selfishness in our marriage.  It was a painful realization of how much we lacked maturity and the good communication in marriage that takes work, time, and the humility to look below the surface and face what’s swimming around.  The fight hadn’t been about the black olives, it was about all the things underneath that caused the emotional struggle, behavior and outburst.

All these years later, we still use the term to get on the same page about something and remind each other that conflict never happens in a vacuum.  Whether it’s with one of you or each other, if some seemingly insignificant event causes a storm, we need to address what’s really going on.

Love,

How to Deal with an Opinionated Person

Dear TEAMS,

We’ve all met them when we least expect it.  We’re with a group of people and the conversation is going well and people are laughing and having a great time.  Then one person—sometimes he/she has been quieter than the rest—says something about the topic at hand that makes everybody stop and listen.  What follows in the next few minutes is sentence after sentence about his/her opinion about the topic, and it is generally very radical and punctuated with animated gestures, passion, and feeling.  After he/she stops, one of two things happen:  1) awkward silence followed by someone else saying something to generate a little laughter and get the group back to its original equilibrium; or 2) another person from a differing viewpoint begins to speak his/her own opinion addressing the issues of the first.  One by one, group members pull away until the two (or three) left are there by themselves without even realizing it.

I speak this with confidence because in my teens and early twenties, I tended to be the vocal one, usually about spiritual and religious topics.  I truly had no idea that others wouldn’t naturally want to hear my position on things, in that everyone had just been talking about the topic.  And, of course, since it was about God (and I was generally with Christians), it never even dawned on me that people wouldn’t want to talk about Him and debate interpretations of the Bible.  Thankfully, in the many years since, Father has transformed my mind into an even greater concept and truth about Truth.  

I was walking with one of you this morning and you related that recently something just as I explained above happened to you at a party.  You were taken aback, but you also highly regarded this person and wondered if you had missed something in your own beliefs.  I was flattered that you wanted my opinion on the subject the person had the strong opinion on, but I also wanted to help you get a life lesson out of the whole deal.

My time is currency, and I value it as such.  Because of that, I have learned how to be efficient when I am now faced with a situation as this.  Here is my Rule of Thumb when faced with a person such as this.

A person who has a strong, divergent opinion about something warrants listening and engagement if, and only if,

1. I would characterize his/her life as one of contentment;
2. I would describe him/her as “very accepting” of other people;
3. He/she is known for being a peaceful person in word and deed.

If I cannot score a person with at least a 2.5 (meaning 2 of them are true and one is sometimes true), I simply smile and at the first possible break in the conversation, I excuse myself.  And please note, the Holy Spirit always trumps the Rule of Thumb.  If I feel a niggle to stay because God wishes me to minister to them somehow, I hang tight.  But that simply doesn’t happen a lot.

You know my heart and that I am not a mean person.  You also know I am a big fan of the underdog.  But I will tell you that with years of experience with people as this, and being a reformed one myself, this is the absolute best use of my time with them and also serves them by respectfully teaching them another reality.  Namely, that people are more important than being right, and 9 times out of 10, you’re not right anyway because you will change.

If you think about it, Jesus did this ALL THE TIME.  I mean, seriously, who could be more right than Jesus?  Yet, He never hit people over the head with what He believed (which happened to be Truth), but put everything through a filter of love and compassion and speaking to the listeners in a way that would draw them in.  The three questions I ask myself at these times (Is he/she content, accepting of people, peaceful in word and deed?) actually have a deeper revelation to them, but I guess that’s for another post if it ever comes up again.

And please, if you’re ever in a group talking and you notice people are leaving you, evaluate if you might need to change the subject!

Love,

POINTING PERSON
© Dawn Hudson | Dreamstime.com

Spring Cleaning Checklist -- Part II

Dear TEAMS, 

Here is the continuation of our Spring Cleaning checklists:


Music Room

• Windows and screens, inside and out.  (It’s best to remove screens and hose off outside and let dry.)
• Wipe down trim around window (include top horizontal surface) and windowsill
• Pull all furniture to middle of room and vacuum baseboards.
• Wash all baseboards with vinegar/lemon water.  Be sure to scrub marks.
• Wipe under furniture/what sits on the floor to remove all cobwebs, dustbunnies, and accumulated dust.
• Wash floor around perimeter of room, all the way up to the rug’s border.  When dry, replace furniture.
• Remove all wall hangings and dry damp wipe front and back; replace
• Check room for visible dirt on walls (particularly around door) and spot clean.  If something needs spot repainting, note it on black board.
• Wipe all light switch plates.  If necessary, remove and use cotton swab or toothpick for any cracks.
• Wipe down door, especially around knob and the top of the 6 panels, which tend to collect dust.
• Wipe down crown moulding
• Vacuum every inch of ceiling fan, including hard-to-reach places.  Remove glass shades and wash.  Wipe down light bulbs and dry damp fan blades and fixture.
• Remove all cushions from sofa and vacuum front and back of cushions and sofa.  Replace cushions.
• Place all thrown pillows in dryer on high heat for 20 minutes and replace neatly.
• Remove all items from end table and dry damp dust all surfaces, including underneath of top.  Evaluate what is on end table and remove unnecessary items and either find new homes or recycle.  Dust what you are replacing and then replace neatly.
• Damp wipe all guitar cases and dry.
• Remove all items from piano table and dry damp dust all surfaces, including underneath of top.  Evaluate what is on table shelf and remove unnecessary items and either find new homes or recycle.  Dust what you are replacing and then replace neatly.
• Remove all items from coffee table and dry damp dust all surfaces, including underneath of top.  Evaluate what is on end table and remove unnecessary items and either find new homes or recycle.  Dust what you are replacing and then replace neatly.
• Wipe down all surfaces of drum kit and dry.  This includes wires, etc.  Remove from red carpet and vacuum carpet.
• Vacuum rug.  Roll up without pad.  Vacuum pad.  Roll up.  Vacuum floor where rug sits.  Flip over rug pad and unroll, so bottom surface area is now showing and vacuum.  (If floor gets anything on it, vacuum up.)  Flip pad back over and vacuum.  Unroll rug and vacuum again (rolling can bring deep down dirt to the surface).

Big Room 

• Windows and screens, inside and out.  (It’s best to remove screens and hose off outside and let dry.)
• Wipe down trim around window (include top horizontal surface) and windowsill
• Pull all furniture to middle of room and vacuum baseboards.
• If any of the walls are dusty at top, be sure to wipe down with damp cloth and rinse.
• Perimeter of ceiling should be vacuumed, even the peaks.
• Wash all baseboards with vinegar/lemon water.  Be sure to scrub marks.
• Wipe under furniture/what sits on the floor to remove all cobwebs, dust bunnies, and accumulated dust.
• Wash floor around perimeter of room.  When dry, replace furniture.
• Remove all wall hangings and dry damp wipe front and back; replace
• Check room for visible dirt on walls (particularly around doors) and spot clean.  If something needs spot repainting, note it on black board.
• Wipe all light switch plates.  If necessary, remove and use cotton swab or toothpick for any cracks.
• Vacuum every inch of ceiling fans, including hard-to-reach places.  Remove glass shades and wash.  Wipe down light bulbs and dry damp fan blades and fixtures.
• French doors into homeschool room should be scrubbed around knobs and visible dirt removed.  Panes should be vacuumed, focusing on the horizontal bottom surface of each pane’s trim.
• French door windows should be cleaned.
• Catwalk door should be scrubbed around knobs and visible dirt removed.  Windows should be washed, inside and out.
• All door trims should be wiped down, even the very tops.
• Top of antique armoire should be vacuumed and wiped down.
• Everything removed from coffee service and all wood wiped down.  All items on top of service are wiped down and dried and returned neatly to the top.
• Bookshelf is vacuumed with brush attachment, including tops of books and spines of books.  This seriously should take a while!
• Everything removed from Entertainment Center and all wood and plastic protector is wiped down.  All items on top of Center are wiped down and dried and returned neatly to the top.  Rectangles in front of Center are wiped well, particularly the bottom horizontal line.  Same with the bottom trim.
• Remove all cushions from sofa, loveseat, and chair-and-a-half and vacuum front and back of cushions and sofa.  Replace cushions.  Be sure “pillows” are vacuumed.
• Waterhog mat in front of catwalk door is vacuumed well, then taken outside and hosed off.
• Recessed lighting is wiped out and light bulbs are dusted.

 
 
Love,

 

Spring Cleaning Checklist -- Part I

Dear TEAMS,

We are in the midst of trying to get our once a year/heavy duty cleaning done, and instead of yet again writing out the checklists for each room for you to do, I have wised up and am placing them on the computer.  In this group of posts, I have cut and pasted them all.

When you are doing your own home, I hope this will bring back fond (HA!) memories.  And finally you will torture your children as greatly as I have.  And you'll be shaking your head, blessing me under your breath for all you learned while cleaning without even realizing it.

Dining Room

• Windows and screens, inside and out.  (It’s best to remove screens and hose off outside and let dry.)
• Wipe down trim around window (include top horizontal surface) and windowsill
• Pull all furniture to middle of room and vacuum baseboards.
• Wash all baseboards with vinegar/lemon water.  Be sure to scrub marks.
• Wipe under furniture/what sits on the floor to remove all cobwebs, dust bunnies, and accumulated dust.
• Wash floor around perimeter of room.  When dry, replace furniture.
• Remove all wall hangings and dry damp wipe front and back; replace
• Check room for visible dirt on walls (particularly around door) and spot clean.  If something needs spot repainting, note it on black board.
• Wipe all light switch plates.  If necessary, remove and use cotton swab or toothpick for any cracks.
• Wipe down crown moulding
• Remove glass from chandelier and wash, vacuum and dry damp clean rest of chandelier
• Remove all items on top of learning center and dry damp dust each one
• Remove all items on top and shelf of teacart and dry damp dust each one
• Remove glass from fixture over door and wash; wipe down rest of fixture and replace
• Wipe down front door, especially around knobs

Hallway

• Wash all baseboards with vinegar/lemon water.  Be sure to scrub marks.
• Wipe down all four doors, especially around knob and the top of the 6 panels, which tend to collect dust.  Open doors and wipe down that skinny part of the door.
• Wipe down all trim, including very top piece.  Scrub if necessary.
• Wash floor around perimeter of room. 
• If any of the walls are dusty at top, be sure to wipe down with damp cloth and rinse.
• Perimeter of ceiling should be vacuumed.
• Check room for visible dirt on walls (particularly around door) and spot clean.  If something needs spot repainting, note it on black board.
• Wipe all light switch plates.  If necessary, remove and use cotton swab or toothpick for any cracks.
• Wash floor.
• Vacuum baseboards. 
•  

Homeschool Room

•  Windows and screens, inside and out.  (It’s best to remove screens and hose off outside and let dry.)
• Wipe down trim around windows (include top horizontal surface) and windowsill
• Pull all furniture to middle of room and vacuum baseboards.
• Wash all baseboards with vinegar/lemon water.  Be sure to scrub marks.
• Wipe underside and backs of furniture/what sits on the floor to remove all cobwebs, dust bunnies, and accumulated dust.
• Wash floor around perimeter of room.  When dry, replace furniture.
• Remove all wall hangings and dry damp wipe front and back; replace
• Check room for visible dirt on walls (particularly around doors) and spot clean.  If something needs spot repainting, note it on black board.
• Wipe all light switch plates.  If necessary, remove and use cotton swab or toothpick for any cracks.
• Clean low ceiling with dilute Mr. Clean, focusing on can lights.  Remove light bulb and wipe down and let dry thouroughly.  Clean metal trim around hole of light.  (These get dusty and fly spit accumulates on them.)
• Wipe down all of trim that surrounds the opening into the old house.  Be sure to get top, horizontal surface.
• Remove everything off the chest and wipe down chest.  Replace items and wipe them down/dry before returning to top.
• French doors into office and big room should be scrubbed around knobs and visible dirt removed.  Panes should be vacuumed, focusing on the horizontal bottom surface of each pane’s trim.
• French door windows should be cleaned.
• If any of the walls are dusty at top, be sure to wipe down with damp cloth and rinse.
• Perimeter of ceiling should be vacuumed.
• Vacuum underside of homeschool desk counter.

Love, 

 

Not Having It...

Dear TEAMS,

Was working on Spring Cleaning, and S copped some 'tude.  This Mama laid down the law...posted on the front door for him and anyone else entering today.

Love,

Grandma K

(written 7/9/12)

Dear TEAMS,

It is late—almost midnight—and I cannot sleep.  Today was the last day of an 8-day “vacation” that Daddy and I had planned, where we and the two youngest drove to my hometown to spend time with your grandma, whom you will remember someday was taken by Parkinson’s-related dementia.  (The 3 oldest of you remained due to work schedules.)  I was telling people who asked about it in church this morning that “vacation” was a loose term, and it was better phrased as “a visit” rather than “vacation,” in that I associate “vacation” with rest, relaxation, and refreshment.  I can’t really say the last eight days has held any of those in any good measure.

I am trying to picture you in maybe 20 years looking back to this time and how I processed my mother’s illness and what will be (unless our Father intervenes) her last few years on earth.  Right now, I think you are all fairly young enough yet that it’s more of a factual occurrence to you, because (of course!) anyone over 40 is old and that’s what happens to old people.  As you get older and realize that aging isn't so black and white, you may feel differently.  I want to tell you a little of how I feel right now, though, just in case you ever look back and wonder.

I feel utter sadness.  I came to terms about 15 years ago with the choices my mother made with her life and made my own, different choices as to how to deal with my life, so I’m not really mourning that loss of relationship, as painful as it was.  I’m mourning that my mother was a gentle, kind, loving, merciful woman who really won’t ever get over the hurts she endured and clung to that ended up handicapping her.  Before the disease, there was deep within me the hope and belief and optimism that as long as she drew breath, today might be the day she experienced true freedom and grace.  I prayed for her faithfully all these years to discover her full potential in Christ and experience the full destiny Almighty God had placed on her, and it looks as if she will not experience that on this earth.  She lived a kind life of a pastor and helped many people.  There was so much more for her brilliant mind to do, but she chose to let bitterness, anger and frustration steal, kill, and destroy the days and years of cognitive coherence before the onset of the disease.  

I feel frustrated.  Now my mother lives on the floor in the nursing home that is the one you go to before the dementia ward…everyone knows it, even though it’s given the name of full time assisted care.  And she cannot write her first name anymore, and sometimes she doesn’t know who I am.  Your Uncle C told me and my siblings in an email this week that she has $900 left to her name, which means in about 18 months we will have to assume expenses not covered by government aid.  That will be no problem, and it will be the least I can do for the woman who chose to let me live in her womb and loved me and mothered me.  But I am saddened that her choices with her finances during her life have brought her to this point.  Proverbs 13:22 speaks of living in a way that leaves an inheritance for not just your children, but for your children’s children.  I am frustrated that my mother thought through a poverty filter that had her believing that she would never be “wealthy,” which caused her to spend her money differently and has essentially made her a ward of the State.  Make no mistake:  your father does a wonderful job of providing for me financially and I do not need an inheritance, and you will be fine without one as well.  It’s just that she was better than what she perceived she was and needed to respect herself more in all those little choices she made financially.  But only she could do that work within her brain and spirit, not anyone else.  And she didn't.

I feel powerless.  M is turning 18 in just 3 days.  It is not his fault that circumstances are what they are with your grandmother, that it impacts my thoughts and overwhelms me.  Next weekend we will be having a wonderful party to honor his graduation and to bless him in becoming an adult, and all I can think of is how tired and overwhelmed I am, and how I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep for a month and not be responsible for anyone or anything anymore.  I want his party to be one he remembers as a rite of passage; the day he became a man.  While he will remember the party for that special, life-changing event, I will remember it as the day God threw him a party while I was His hands and feet, because I just don’t have it in me.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

And just in case you ever wonder, your Grandma always loved you a whole big bunch, and knew you loved her, too.

Love, 

Discipline—How to Discipline a Child, Paddies Needed

Dear TEAMS,

I have been speaking with you about discipline as training, and I wanted to talk with you about spanking, which we did with you.

We did not call it spanking in our house because of the negative connotation society has associated with that word.  It has, in some circles, become synonymous with abuse.  And it bears restating that spanking that is emotion-led and from a heart of frustration is abuse, in my book.  We instead used the term “paddies,” mostly because if we were overheard warning you that “Paddies are next…” in public it might raise eyebrows but wouldn’t get the same emotional reaction as “spankings.”

First though, a few guidelines…a checklist for you to evaluate your heart and make sure you are keeping paddies effective:

• Paddies are not done to “show who’s the boss” or exercise power over the child.  Kids already know adults are in charge.  Paddies are creating an unpleasant experience for the child to associate with the behavior that is not good for them to have.
• Paddies are never done with a hand.  We had the “Paddy Spoon.”  Some days, I had to walk around with it in my back pocket.  S managed to hide the Paddy Spoon on me fairly often…one day I found it in the van!  I wanted you to associate my hand with tender love, not tough love.  Also, having "the Spoon" made it easier to have a secret message for an offender.  As in, if one of you was doing something wrong and we were in a group, I could pull out the spoon and point to it to send you a clear message.
• Paddies are only ever given as a backup after another form of training has not stopped the undesirable behavior.  So, if redirection didn’t work, and then sitting quietly in the chair in the middle of the room didn’t work, then paddies were used.  Please see the last post for a script I used.
• Paddies are only ever administrated in the sequence listed below, because paddies don’t change a heart.
• If you are emotionally frustrated or angry, you should not use paddies because they will be harder than you need (and really want to administer).
• If there are multiple paddies being given in a day, the fault lies with you, not the child.  The child is trying to get attention.  Stop what you’re doing and spend time with them, or with all the children.



Our actual Paddy Spoon, Third Edition

• There is a point at which paddies became less effective and we had greater leverage by withdrawing desired things.  I think by the age of 6 all of you were at a point that I found paddies less effective for the “big stuff.”  There might have been one or two events later, but they must have been fairly serious infractions.

How We Used Paddies (All Steps Necessary):

1. [Child does undesirable behavior.  Pull child away from place where they are to more private place. Do the process I spoke of in the last post.  If child continues disobedience…]
2. [Name of child], if you continue to do what you are doing, you will get paddies.  Do you want to get paddies?  (Because you are not idiots, the answer was always, No.)
3. Okay, well I am going to count to 3.  If you are still [doing whatever] by the time I get to 3, you will have to go get the spoon.  (I couldn’t always have you guys fetch the spoon, but it added to the time you had to think.)
4. 1….2… (by this time I was really praying you’d make a good choice to end it)….3.  If the behavior didn’t stop…
5. Take the child to a private area.
6. Say, “Do you know why you are getting paddies?”  (Wait for answer.  I don’t remember if you ever didn’t know, but if you didn’t then I wouldn’t have administered paddies.  But with all of the previous steps warning you, I was pretty sure we were in the “willful disobedience” waters.)
7. What Rule of the House does that break?  (They answer.)
8. Okay, so now I am giving you 2 paddies because [restated what they did wrong so they associate the action with the paddies].  I usually administered the paddies at the top of the back of the leg, or at the side of the thigh.  I did not swing my arm back high, but usually used my wrist.  The only tears I was looking for were tears of repentance, not of pain.
9. After the two paddies were administered, I would then ask you why you got paddies.  (I know it seems like overkill, but I wanted you to really make the connection with the behavior and something undesirable happening.)
10. Then I asked hugged you and told you that I loved you and that I was sorry you made that choice.  I also prayed with you, asking the Father to make the discipline be something that would help you in your life.  I also told you that if you did it again, the next time you would get 4 paddies.  (And they would increase by 2 every time.)  Rarely would you go back out and repeat the infraction and we had to repeat the exercise and give 4.  There were two separate times 2 of you got more.  It was traumatic for me, but I kept a straight face and you got the message when we hit double digits.

Many of my extended family didn’t approve of us using “corporal punishment,” as they called it.  That was hard for me.  But, as with all things your father and I did, we came back to the litmus test of “Are we raising children who will be successful adults because they understand the greater concepts of the ‘real’ world?”  In the real world, there are natural consequences for bad choices.  It might be as subtle as withdrawing conversation from someone at a party who makes the bad choice of talking about themself all the time, or it might be as blatant as prison for committing a crime.  But that is the real world.  The point is to encourage the child to make good choices even when he/she doesn’t feel like it, even if he/she is tired, even if he/she doesn’t like the way things are.  And to be giving so much love that paddies are a blip on a screen surrounded by acceptance, kindness, and solid relationship.

Love,