Advantages of Homeschooling

Dear TEAMS,

Our dear neighbor S down the street wanted to write a paper last Spring about homeschooling and I was one of her sources (as an interview).  I have placed the transcription in this and the next blog post, because as I read over it, I realized it said a lot about my convictions about what homeschooling is for me.  I have edited it for readability, and the full text is on my computer.

Interview with [Loving Mommy] about home-schooling on April 28 2012

Q: Do you need a certificate, license, or degree to homeschool your kids?

A: That is a good question.  You have to possess a high school diploma to homeschool. Technically my children are not even home schooled, they’re privately tutored because I possess a teaching certificate for [our state] and I have kept mine up to date and active with the state.  So they’re technically privately tutored, but they’re home schooled.   

Q: If you don’t mind me asking, why did you choose to homeschool them?

A: No I don’t mind (you) asking. The short answer is because it is right for our family, and that is usually what I say to people when they ask me why I homeschool. The longer answer is that before [Daddy] and I had kids, we were talking about the influence that we wanted have on our kids, and we also knew what being in public school had done to us as learners, and then to us as people. And I was mildly popular in high school, I was in the “Intellectual Diz” clique, and [Daddy] was not popular in high school and so he really understood what that was like. I didn’t like what I saw going on in high school because I felt like it was a lot of just “I’m here so that people can say I have done so many worksheets and read so many books” and it wasn’t about education. Looking back, though, you have to remember I was a 14, 15, 16, 17-year old so I didn’t have the wisdom of adults either. I did have some very good teachers thankfully. [Daddy] had some very good teachers, but they weren’t the majority of the teachers. So yeah.

Q: What do you think the advantages and the disadvantages are of home schooling?

A: Ok, let’s start with advantages first. Advantages of the children are that:

1. I can teach to their learning style. For example, my oldest daughter A is a very visual learner so I could do all sorts of things visually with her. I could do worksheets, I could do videos, and I could do things like that. My son S is a kinesthetic learner so he’s better at manipulating things and having 3-D things. If he doesn’t get concepts, it’s very easy for me to figure out how I can pull out manipulatives and help him get the concept.
2. Second advantage for the children for homeschooling, is that (and you know this from school) if you’re ever sitting in math class and lets say you’re even a good math student, you’re kind of getting it in Algebra or whatever, and then sometimes you have 5 days where you know you’re just not getting things.  It’s just not going in [the brain] right or for whatever reason you don’t get it.  Well with homeschool I can stop everything and I can say, ‘Okay, let’s spend some more time on this concept and lets approach it from a different angle.  Academically that’s very valuable to people because they learn the concept and it sticks with them. And I don’t have to rush through to get through it. Unfortunately in public school, they can’t do that.
3. The third advantage of home school is that we think it better represents what real life is, because nowhere except in the public school system or teachers in a public school system in adult life do you go to work for 9 months and then have 3 months off to do whatever you wish. And we felt like we wanted from very early on to teach our children what adult life is really like, because our goal is to raise successful adults. So when the children were young, we actually did school year-round.  I schooled through the summer so they understood that learning was a part of every day, their job was a part of their every day.
4. The fourth reason there’s an advantage to homeschooling is because, there’s a lot of stuff that we don’t want our children to have to be exposed to at an early age.  I was exposed to my first drug deal when I was in 7^th grade. And I just didn’t want to, I don’t, I didn’t want to have my children to have to see that and I got threatened by the kid who who passed the speed. So I don’t want my kids to have to deal with that. In my high school, kids were making out in the halls, and why should my children have to see that?  That’s stuff that isn’t a part of academic learning and it’s certainly not a part of everyday life. I mean when people wake up and go to the office, it’s not like people are making out in the hallway.
5. This rolls into point 5 which might be a corollary for you.  Only in public schools do certain behaviors happen. So we want it to imitate real life like the last point, but also in public school there are things that are accepted as part of public education that aren’t accepted anywhere else.  I think the [our town] school system is a very good school system from what I’ve seen from what I know the other area school systems are. I think they try to keep a handle on what’s going on but you know from a student’s point of view, what you really see, you see the smoking in the bathrooms, you see the kids making out in the hallways you know who got pregnant and who got the abortion, and why should you have to be exposed to that?
6. The last advantage I can think of off the top of my head is purely selfish for me.  Have you ever heard moms say, ‘Oh, they just grew up so fast’, or you see these moms or parents or grandparents saying ‘Oh yeah my kids, you just, you have them for such a short amount of time’ and all this.  I will tell you that whenever I think to myself  ‘Wow my kids are growing up so fast’ I can say to myself ‘and I’ve had them 24/7/365.’ I have gotten to take advantage of everything, not just first steps, and first lost tooth, I have gotten to be there.  Sometimes I had no idea that the kids were really stressed about something and because I was here, and I was available and they were homeschooled, I might be standing out there washing the dishes and they’d come in and go ‘Oh mom!’ and I’m not even thinking and then they just start talking to me about what was going on. So it’s a purely selfish thing.   I may still have regrets when my kids are gone, but I will always be able to say to myself ‘and I spent every one of the possible hours I could with them.’

So that’s a long list of advantages of homeschooling, I’m sure I could come up with some more. 

(See the next blog post for a continuation of the Interview)

What I Would Say to Teachers

Dear TEAMS,

I have gotten used to writing you letters these days, so much so that I found myself composing one to a group in our culture who is very expressive this time of year.  Here is what I wrote to them.

Love, 

Dear Professional Teachers,

I want to thank you for your contribution to society.  There is no way anyone knows what you have to go through every day to achieve the goals laid out for you in your jobs.  Most of my friends who are teachers got into teaching for way more than the administrative end of things and politics, which you have to do more of than you ever dreamed.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing to teach and wanting to influence the next generation.

I’d also like to say that many of the teachers I know navigate the school waters well and never seem to lose their vision, mostly because they know they have a higher calling bestowed from above to make the world a better place.  These people rarely make comments about their jobs that confuse me.

 There are some things that confuse me about other teacher’s attitudes, sometimes, which I have gleaned from friends’ Facebook pages, interaction at community events, and when attending sports events at our local school.  I am expressing them here:

• Most people in the United States have to face all of the same challenges you do in your job, theirs just take on different faces.  I get confused when you adopt an attitude that no one could possibly understand what it is like where you work.  I think you underestimate the people with whom you are speaking.
• The only thing more frustrating than working with 24-30 young people all day?  Working with more than 24-30 adults who act like young people.
• Most people who go to work have to be at their place of work for at least 8 hours every day.  There is never a day where they will put something off until tomorrow so they can go home after 6 hours.
• Most people get 2 weeks of vacation a year.  Two weeks that they can sleep until they wish, stay up as late as they want, and do whatever they want all day.  Even if you are taking classes for professional continuing education, you are still experiencing time freedom for 10 weeks a year that most of the rest of the working people in America do not have.  And if you are working in the Summers to make up for your salary…good for you for understanding that you are in the same boat as the rest of us.
• Most of the rest of the people in America do not understand your dread at starting another school year, namely because they experience the dread of having to go back to work every Monday morning, 50 weeks a year.  I am confused because you never seem to show them the same compassion you want to have every August for that fact.
• Every single person on earth is underappreciated.  Most of them have people in authority over them who don’t understand them.  I am confused because you seem to feel you are in a special group, deserving of special strokes because you are underappreciated and teach school.  It makes no sense to me.
• I am confused because you are upset or offended that parents homeschool their children.  Yes, they really are saying that they think you cannot provide the same education that they can for their child.  Why does that bother you, if you became a teacher because you were concerned about education and children in America?  Thank God that you:  1) have an ally in that mission; and that 2) you don’t have their kid in your class—because parents who are that concerned about their children’s education would be as critical of you as you are of them.
• I am confused when you see a Snow Day as a special day of “vacation” to get your laundry done, catch up on some undone things, or watch morning talk shows and then cannot understand why people aren’t rejoicing with you.  Mostly, it’s because those people still have to get to their jobs through the weather and fit everything in their 8 hour day around the extra burden of their longer commute, all while figuring out what to do with their children because the school called a Snow Day.
• I am confused that you have tenure.  And the corollary to that is that I’m confused that you are bothered by CEOs making lots of money and then offered a Golden Parachute if things don’t work out.
• I am confused that you don’t like your salary and say teachers should earn more.  But since people have been saying that for the last 40 years, where were you when you decided to become a teacher and everyone was telling you that you wouldn’t make a lot of money?  It’s okay to not have realized what that really meant in light of having adult expenses—we all did that—but why exactly do you think you shouldn’t have to do what everyone else does to supplement an inadequate income?
• I am confused at your anger at society in general.  My student teaching was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I saw in the Teacher’s Lounge what most people who taught for a living were like.  Mostly, they were angry, mean, and petty.  They didn’t like people they worked with, and let them know about it.  They talked about problem kids in the school as an annoyance and not as a human being who desperately needed help.  Almost all of them were on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds and told me that I’d understand once I got to their situation.  The teacher I student taught under went on vacation to the Bahamas for a week and called in sick every day, so that I could “experience the real life of a teacher for a week.”

Yes, I am confused at so many things.  Because what it seems you are confused about is that you don’t teach to influence the next generation.  You influence the next generation just by showing up.  Whether it is a good influence will be entirely up to you.

Depression

Dear TEAMS,

Our wonderful family friend Amy E. asked me last week for some help.  She will be teaching at their Home Group next month and was asked to teach on depression.  You all know Amy well, and she really has never been through depression, so she felt a little lost and wanted to reach out to others who have been through it so she could put together her teaching.  Here is what I wrote to her:

Depression Sucks

It is hard to describe to someone what it feels like to be depressed.  It's more than just feeling "blue" or "down" or "sad" and it's not the same as grieving.  It's an overwhelming feeling of despair and being convinced there is no hope, and believing to your utter core that even if you died, this feeling would never stop that there is no purpose to life and that existing is a painful waste.  It consumes you, and every act of service you offer others, eating, or going about life is an act of faith that it matters...but you're pretty sure it doesn't.

If you've read The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis (it's part of the Chronicles of Narnia), there is a dark place the Dawn Treader sails to that your nightmares come true.  They pick someone up who is adrift in the waters who relates to them where they are and describes the problem with this place is that people become so consumed with fear and avoiding the beasts that are now a part of their reality, that they don't believe they can ever get out.  Fear, anxiety, and horror are a part of their every waking moment, but if they fall asleep they will only dream bigger nightmares, so sleep brings no relief and in fact worsens their situation.  And as with most nightmares, death never comes to bring them relief.

Once the crew hears this, they have to do a major overhaul on their thought life, but suffice it to say that some bad things get through from memories of nightmares past and the ship narrowly escapes that place.  That describes perfectly my episodes of depression, and how God has brought me out from them.  I have recovered from my episodes both by using medication and not, but the one thing that remains the same is the changes to my thought life I had to make.  I literally had to take every thought captive, examine it, compare it to Scripture to see if it was true, and then let go of it if it was not.  It is a hard, humbling, scary place to be, because if deficits existed in the circumstances of my life, sometimes my self-pitying thoughts were my only comfort that someone cared.  If my self-pitying thoughts were lies, I had to have the courage to believe that God had something else out there for me that would provide me even better comfort.  

I know to someone who is not depressed that seems really obvious, but when you have spent years thinking one way, you're pretty sure it's true and so it's quite a transformation and huge leap of faith.  The battle for our minds is waged every day in the Spiritual realms, and the amazing thing is that we have the deciding vote as to how it ends up.  I try to take that seriously every day so I can stay healthy, and it brings me to the Father because I forget frequently how much He cares and loves me.

As a Christian, shame and guilt for being depressed accompany this sickness.  After all, if I love God and trust Him with my life and know I'm spending eternity with Him, why should I be depressed?  To make a gross generalization, this is one place that I feel the world has more compassion for those suffering than the church does.  A Type II diabetic may have gotten to his situation by not eating well and taking care of himself, but once he's there, Christ followers accept him where he's at and work gently to get at the core issues that caused him to abuse his body in the first place and hopefully turn the diabetes around.  Depression is not viewed the same way, although the pattern is almost identical:  someone didn't have the tools to make wise decisions and so made a series of bad ones and suffers physically for it.  I try to help people understand that a depressed person needs counsel straight from the Holy Spirit, who is the ultimate "Tough Love" administrator, and that anyone who loves Christ has that Spirit in them to offer consolation.

Love,

Nineteen Years Old and Counting

Dear TEAMS,

We just got back from a lovely vacation to the Poconos.  This year, your father and I decided we’d rather have all of you for a shorter time than vacation for a week without you all there, so we took a long weekend.  Since we would be spending less money (theoretically) than we budgeted, we also brought along A’s wonderful boyfriend and our wonderful neighborhood friend.

We declared a “techonology-free” weekend (meaning no use of cell phones or computer).  It was wonderful to really be able to sit and talk with you all about stuff we don’t usually get to talk about.  One such time was Friday night when we were out at Red Robin and E was sitting with us at our table (because a table for 9 is hard at a restaurant).  She looked at us thoughtfully, and asked, “If you could go back in time and tell your 19-year old self anything, what would you tell you?”

It was a perceptive question.  Daddy, as usual, was quick-thinking and he responded that he would tell himself not to get as stressed about stuff, because it all always works out.  I have to say, I almost simply agreed with him.  However, there was one ironic thing nagging me that I knew I needed to say.

“I would tell myself that there’s a reason the Bible says that Pride goes before a fall, and that I have no idea how prideful I really am, and that some of the worst situations in life I will get into are because of my pride.”  And then I laughed and added, “and the thing is, I was so prideful at 19 that I bet that my 19-year old self actually would think that there was no way I could be right and that I knew better…than my 46-year old self.”

I feel very confident telling you that the depressive episodes I have had had pride as the root.  The cause of the worst relationship failures I have had?  Pride as well.  The fact that I didn’t perform as well as I wished in the important things in life?  The Big P, once again. 

Pride isn’t just thinking you know better than someone else.  Pride isn’t the absence of humility or the opposite of humility.  Pride is simply filtering everything through your own experience, life lessons and worldview and believing that it is the best way, with no possibility that there is a better way to interpret your circumstances.  Naturally, you can imagine what comes next…

My Loves, no one…NO ONE will ever be able to interpret your life better than God, because he sees the full picture.  He’s seen what you’ve done, He knows what you think, and He knows the best way for every decision, judgement, or choice you could ever make.  The person who lays down what (s)he thinks (s)he knows and instead defers to what the Word of God says is the humblest of all people.  And the Word says that He will lift you up.  A better hand up could never be offered.

Love, 

Photo © Dana Rothstein | Dreamstime.com

The Last Shall Be First

Dear TEAMS,

Two weekends ago, I stripped the Spiderman and NASCAR sheets off of the twin beds in the boys’ room for the last time, replacing them with matching sets that befit a College Freshman and 14-year old.  The practical side of me was thankful, in that they were old and starting to show significant wear, but the Loving Mommy in me was sobered by the memory of shopping for the bedding and the enthusiasm my boys had for sheets that reflected their interests.  It was a simpler time that the passion of a child was consumed in bedding and other surface things.

When Daddy began working after leaving seminary in Chicago, he had a manager named Bill.  A was just a baby and Bill would reflect with Daddy about his own 7-year old son, with whom he shared custody with his ex-wife.  One of the things he shared with Daddy has stuck with me throughout your lives.  Everyone celebrates the first with kids—first steps, first lost tooth, he said.  No one realizes that life is actually full of the lasts…like the fact that my kid doesn’t want to wear Superman underwear anymore, but underwear like Daddy has.

I reflected on that with the sheets, and how so many “lasts” I really don’t savor.  I don’t remember the last time I put some of you to bed with a story and tucked your sheets in all around while you laid still as a mummy.  I would tell you that it was actually my love I was putting around you as the sheets got tighter and tighter, and my love is so thick that even if you moved, it would still be on you.  Then I would sing the “I Love You Forever” song and the last thing I’d say is, God is always with you, He loves you, and He wants the best for you.

I don’t remember the last time you rode the Big Wheel down the driveway at top speed and into the backyard, seeing how far you could coast.  I just remember asking you if you were going to use it anymore (as broken as it was) and being glad to throw it away and having more room in the breezeway.

I don’t remember the last time you smiled at me with your braces shining, drawing that much more attention to the sincerity and breadth of your happiness.  I just remember being glad you could have them off, because you didn’t enjoy them so much.

I don’t remember the last time I gave you a bath and listened to you laugh and splash and talk with me about questions you had from your day, or comforting you from the fatigue of the day. One day, you took your own shower and I just remember being glad I didn’t have to bathe you anymore and it opened up a little more free time to squeeze in just another thing needing done in a day.

In the movies and TV, there is a soundtrack that plays to get the viewers’ attention when something significant happens.  Life doesn’t have one of those soundtracks.  If it did, I suppose the last time you hopped off the Big Wheel and brought it into the breezeway to clean up the yard, there would have been some romantic, poetic, music playing and I could have wistfully realized I had just witnessed a “last.”  But, without fanfare, you hopped off the toy and put it away and it just didn’t hold your interest anymore, or you grew too big, or you graduated to your bicycle.

I never want to live in regret, nor do I want to look backwards.  As your Grandpa K told me once:  History is like a rearview mirror in a car.  You look through the windshield to where you’re headed most of the time to drive safely, but you have to check the rear view mirror every so often to make sure things are safe back there as well so you can have complete information about the drive.

This letter is just one of those rearview mirror moments.  Knowing that “lasts” are all around me, I want to be present in each moment so that when I look back and realize it was a “last,” I can be glad I was there and living it.

Love,

Photo: © Svetlana Tikhonova | Dreamstime.com

How to Deal with Tattling

Dear TEAMS,

This morning, I was asked by a mother of a 5 and 7 year old what I did when the children tattled on each other.  I had to think for a moment, because I am 10 years out from that situation.  Then, I had to think about not being sad that I’m 10 years out of that situation so I could answer her question.  Back to the issue at hand, my answer was pretty simple, gleaned from somewhere before I was a parent  when I read something random written by someone wiser than me:  

1. Listen to the whole story the little one is trying to tell you. 
2. Let them know you heard them with a simple affirmation that you understand, or you could even repeat back what you heard.  The important thing is letting the child know he/she was being listened to.
3. Then say, “And what did you do?”  Not meaning, “What did you do after your brother did this or that?” but, “What did you do to make your brother do this or that?”
4. Pause while this sinks in.  Be sure to nicely ask again if the child does not respond.
5. Repeat back to the child what he/she just said to incriminate him/herself and ask if you heard correctly.
6. Usually, by the time the child has gotten his/her words out of her mouth, he/she is aware that the battle is lost.  Ask the child if they would like to continue playing or take a time out and then go back to play, and just follow that lead.
7. If the other child was doing something violating the rules of play, creating a dangerous situation, or something blatantly wrong, that situation should be tended to.  Preface the discipline for that infraction with, “I just talked with Johnnie about something he was doing wrong concerning tattling.  However, he told me that you were [x].  He was wrong to tattle, but what were you doing wrong?”
8. Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

The psychology behind this method is that a child is tattling for the sole purpose of getting the other child in trouble.  His/her motivation for this is myriad:  he is tired, envious, hungry, sick of the game, feeling frustrated about something unrelated in his life, feeling angry about something else going on in his life and is processing it, wants to be mean, wants to see if you are a fair parent, wants to see if the boundaries you have set up will be enforced, wants to feel safe…and even more.  By you asking what that child’s responsibilities were in the issue he/she cites, it 1) keeps the child from getting what he/she wants (which is unkind, no matter how wrong the other child was), and 2) gives the child a glimpse of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with what he/she is feeling. 

Of course, you can’t sit there and explain this to the child, but it sets the stage for later in life when you are able to carry on a rational conversation with them when they are older.  When they are acting out about something, you can bring it back to, “What are you feeling right now that is causing you to act this way?  I would like to help you feel better.”

Love, 

Photo credit: © Jyothi | Dreamstime.com

Secrets I Will Now Tell You

Dear TEAMS, 

So, I don’t know when you will discover this blog.  A few weeks ago, I was getting into the car and out of the blue E looks at me and says, “Mom, I hope you’re writing down what you do with us, because when I have kids, I want to be like you.”  I smiled inwardly and replied, “That’s being taken care of…”

By the time you read this,  your adult brains and perspective will understand the complexity of the parental relationship, and you will see me as a friend more than a Mommy.  That is how it should be.  But now that you’re on my side, I thought you might want to know a few things…just in case you find yourself doing the same things with your children!

1. The reason I made the rule “winner cleans up” the board game (or whatever) we were playing was because I was tired or bored of the game (two words:  “Barnyard Bingo”), tired of hearing the gloating, or tired of hearing the sore loser.
2. Yes, sometimes I did make you take a nap even when you weren’t tired because I needed a break.
3. I would eat your Easter candy without you knowing about it.
4. When you questioned me about why you always had to do the dishes, vacuum, fold the laundry, etc. and I answered “because I already know how and you need to learn,” there actually was a teeny, tiny part of me sometimes that was saying, “Nyah-nyah”…but truly, only tiny!
5. I was always profoundly embarrassed after I raised my voice to you.
6. You treating me disrespectfully hurt my feelings more than I could ever say, but I knew immediately that if you had known how much it had hurt, you would have begged my forgiveness.
7. I hated serving in the concessions stand at baseball games and track meets.  I mean, detested it in a way that I cannot fully convey.  But I did it cheerfully for your sake.
8. It hurt me the first time I went to hug you and you tensed up because you didn’t need my hugs anymore, and for all 5 of you, I turned around and got busy with something so you wouldn’t see my tears.
9. When the baseball dented the Camry, the accident dented the neighbor’s car, the paint was spilled on the basement carpet, etc. etc., both your father’s and my calmness and saying, “No big deal—don’t worry,” on the outside was directly proportional to how much we were freaking out inside.
10. We ultimately got the dogs for us, because we knew that we would ultimately have to take care of them.
11. We honestly didn’t believe you when you would remind us of something we did wrong in our parenting, because we gave you an amazing environment of love, compassion, and provision while you were under our roof.
12. I occasionally did fudge your homeschooling.
13. Sometimes when I called you on the carpet for stuff, I was more afraid of your reaction than you were afraid of being reprimanded.
14. There were many times in our home that I felt like I was supposed to just suck it up and take the crap from you, and I just let it happen because I felt hopeless.
15. I never knew how mothering, done correctly, was life-altering and my salvation.

Love, 

Photo:  © John Siebert | Dreamstime.com

The Problem With…

Dear TEAMS,

The problem with someone’s God being their intellect is that brain cells die.

The problem with someone’s God being their emotions is that they change from hour to hour.  Or, at least they should.

The problem with someone’s God being the Universe is that it has no love.

The problem with someone’s God being entertainment is that the best things in life come from labor and effort.

The problem with someone’s God being food is that it turns into crap and pee.

The problem with someone’s God being their morals is that they shift from culture to culture.

The problem with someone’s God being their friends is that people change.  Or, at least they should.

The problem with someone’s God being their “self” is that it is WAY too small.

The problem with someone’s God being their spouse or kids is that they die and leave.

Our God is not made of earthly stuff that passes away.  He exists apart from feelings.  He is not dependent on our emotions and feelings.  He existed before us, during us, and will exist after us.  And He is crazily, fully, completely and unashamedly consumed with love for us all the time…even when we don’t like Him or think of Him or are busy with our other gods.  He created us and will love us no matter what we do back.  

Someday, you will take the first look at your new son or daughter and be filled with a love that is so intense that you are certain in that moment you are existing in the dimension where God sits.  It will be brief and fleeting, but in that moment you will know that you will never love anyone as much as you do that child, and that you would gladly do anything to protect, grow, and preserve that human.  I know, because it is what I experienced the first nanosecond of taking you in, breathing in your skin, rubbing your soft hair on my cheek, and looking at your unknowing eyes.

My Loves, that is how your God sees you all the time.  If you are not intimate with Him today, I pray you will humbly come before Him and renew that relationship.  If you are intimate with Him today, I pray in this moment of reading this, you will be blessed with an even greater intensity of grateful love towards your Creator, Father, Lord, King, Friend.

Love, 

 

Financial Responsibilities for Adult Children Living in Our Home

Dear TEAMS,

Three of you are now adults and facing very real facets of the grownup world.  One of those facets is being financially responsible for products you use for your own life.

In a previous post about our expectations for adult children still living with us, we talk about what you get for free by choosing to live under our roof.  The truth is there are actually a lot of financial responsibilities we spare you by living here at home.  For instance, our wonderful central air conditioning is thoroughly enjoyed on hot and humid summer days, and yet we do not ask you to assume any financial responsibility for it.  However, there are certain items we expect you to take financial responsibility for.  We aren’t being big, fat meanies.  We are trying to ease you into the cold realities of life.  We would be handicapping you if we didn’t give you the opportunity to budget for your very real needs.

The good news is that there have already been times in your teen years you got a taste of this.  For example, we bought shampoo and conditioner for you to use, and it tended to be inexpensive brands.  However, if you desired to have a different shampoo you felt was better for your hair or smelled better, you were required to spend your own money on that and had the right to mark it as your own private stash.  Further, when you began to drive, we created a monthly amount you owed us to defray expenses for gas and insurance.

Also, we started at age 6 talking with you about the value of saving.  Generally, our formula for birthday cash was to require you to calculate and pay your tithe first, allow you to keep 10-30% (depending on your age and also how much you had received) in your wallet, and the rest went into savings.  Once you got a job, it was always reminding you to pay your tithe, suggesting you keep $20 in your wallet for spending money, and the rest going into savings.  If the cash was gone before the next paycheck, we talked with you about how you might have spent your money differently to still have a little left over.  Because we started this early, the 3 of you who have made the 18 year old milestone have started out with a nice little savings account.

And about your tithe:  someone wiser than me once phrased it as, “God gives us 90% of everything we earn.  He only wants 10% back.  That’s such a bargain for what we get—90% to spend and the blessings from tithing.”

Items We Expect You to Pay For, Post 17:

• All personal hygiene items:  shampoo, conditioner, body soap, underarm deodorant or its substitute, toothbrush/toothpaste, mouth rinses, dental floss, facial soap, acne medication, feminine hygiene, comb/brush, hair accessories, hair products, makeup, hair dryers, curling irons, straighteners, etc.
• All supplies needed for your personal communication:  cell phone and plan, stationery, postage, pens, pencils, cards, etc.
• Any items for decoration of your personal space, including bulletin boards, decoration, etc.  Items that will go on our furniture or in our rooms you are using will be bought by us, and you will probably have input into that.
• All clothing and shoes
• All accessories such as purses, belts, wallets, jewelry
• Any fees for any school, sports, or clubs you are involved in
• College tuition and textbooks
• Entertainment:  going to the movies, movie rentals, going out to eat (unless we are going as a family—that is our gift to you), tickets to events, DVDs, CDs, iTunes downloads, etc.
• Gasoline and insurance private monthly payment to us continues
• Any food that is not purchased as part of our family grocery plan.  This is kept in our cabinets in order to keep insects or rodents out of other areas of the house, but you must mark it with your name.
• Your own car, once you are gainfully employed in a full time job.
• Laundry detergent and fabric softener, if you do not wish to use ours.  Fabric softener may only be used in our washer for sheets, not clothing.  (It is very hard on the machine and not really good for you in any way except olfactory delight!)
• If you commit to provide a meal or food item for a party or individual, you are responsible for shopping for, preparing, and paying for that meal or item
• Supplies for your hobbies or interests
• Gifts you give to other people
• Personal electronics such as cameras, iPods, etc.

Love,