Dear TEAMS,
I guess it’s that time.
Without any warning or sign, you all are growing up and venturing into
relationships with significant others.
It is what we have prepared for as parents personally (as we have to let
you go), and what we have prayed for you, what we have wished for, and what we
have equipped you for all your lives.
And it’s here. Just
like that. In 5 days, Daddy will put A’s
hand on his arm, walk her 45 feet down an aisle, and declare we are releasing
her for the rest of her life into the arms of a fine young man with our
blessing. Even as I type, my eyes are
tearing up. As I have often said to you
about situations like these in life, “I am happy for her, and sad for me…but
the happy outweighs the sad.”
You have seen in previous posts things about dating and
things about your romantic relationships.
After having many long, fruitful discussions with E about her own
pursuits, I thought it was time to write down some of what I have said. So, I’m calling this series of posts, Mom’s
Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well).
Before I begin, I want to clarify that I am not perfect, and
your father is not perfect, and Daddy and I don’t have a perfect marriage. We have our own problems and continue to work
on them. But, we are committed for life
to each other. That’s the purpose of a
wedding, despite what Bridezilla and Disney™ and American culture portrays. And, given that about half of the population
has faced some of the problems we have had in our marriage and decided to end
their relationship over those I
say this with deep respect for those who decided to end their marriages,
because the pain and betrayal and overwhelming confusion was tangible. I validate their very real pain. And some of them had Biblical authority to
end their relationships, which is a topic for another time.
problems, I believe I have some authority in this
area simply because I chose to stay and continue to choose to stay.
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| A's Wedding Dress, awaiting the big day! |
But, I just want you to understand that when you are wishing
us well on our 70th anniversary, it was not some random accident or
that we were “highly compatible” or that we're just really nice people that we ended up that way. It was because we chose to stay, pure and
simple. We chose the institution of
marriage over ourselves, which was hard when injustice at the hand of the other
was occurring and we had no guarantee—save our faith that God wanted the best
for us in life and for our marriage—that it wouldn’t remain as draining as it
was. I have counseled women who have
left their husbands because that man didn’t pay attention to their needs (which is tragic and unBiblical) and
have yet to hear a good answer when I ask them, If you didn’t mean what you said on your wedding day, why didn’t you
just live together? Because the
answer to that negates the reason they choose divorce over staying and making
it work.
I caution you that what you are about to read is going to
sound as about “unfun” as it gets. The
temptation will be to attribute what I am saying to some Puritan or ascetic
viewpoint on marriage. I am not saying
anything of the sort. Any one of the
three circles I will mention provides so much life, satisfaction, and enjoyment,
it is hard to limit them by mere words.
My purpose is to provide some practical
advice to you as you approach a lifelong relationship. I will use text from this series in the near future in my letters to you, I am sure.
So, here is my version of Marriage 101. Move over, Cinderella, because your fairy godmother needed to give you more than a dress...
Love,
