Mom’s Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well) - II

Dear TEAMS,

Here is the Introduction to this Series. 

In my last post, I made it clear that marriage is not about anything you are trained by certain media to believe.  It is so much richer!

So, conceptually, a rich marriage contains items in 3 categories:  business, friendship, and romance. 

Friendship contains the stuff you do that you do with friends:  recreational activities, social activities, sitting and talking together about common interests, getting coffee, etc.  It’s feeling comfortable with that person all the time, usually because you have similar interests and convictions about life, religion, politics, and a similar sense of humor.  As with any friendships, as one person grows in their individual interests—or, conversely, becomes more selfish or ingrown—the other party is affected by those choices and must adapt to that person’s state of being.  In the friendship aspect of marriage, since there is an understood lifelong commitment, both parties must work through the changes so the marriage remains mutually beneficial. 

Reception Hall Getting Set Up for A's Wedding!

Romance contains the physical attraction you have for your spouse, the airy-fairy feeling (that, I might add, ebbs and flows from day to day, week to week, and year to year but when it comes back is strengthened by the foundations being built and added to from the other circles).  It contains the sexual part of marriage, where you are relating to each other in a way you do not relate to anyone else in this world.  It is the flirting and the personal displays of affection that are appropriate in our culture.  We have brought you up to believe romance’s place is strictly for intentional dating and that sex is for marriage alone.  We did this for the same reason we taught you to respect a hot stove, to look both ways before crossing a street, and kept you from using a chain saw before you had the maturity needed to operate one—as much as you begged to and tried to convince us you were ready.

Business is what consumes most of a marriage.  It is the day-to-day, administrative “stuff” that is always in our lives.  It revolves around finances, kids, housing, food, career, religious involvement, academics, work, etc.  Your father and I are constantly trying to answer questions about what our next move is in x, y, or z.  You kids are constantly needing a game plan about your own xs, ys, and zs as well, and so we try to get on the same page about it all.  Business is probably the least romantic of the three, especially to the woman.  But where both of you come down on these areas warrants careful consideration to keep conflict in the acceptable range of marriage.

Here’s another thing the movies don’t tell you:  because we are fallible humans, rarely are all 3 areas strong at the same time in any marriage.  However, when two are exceptionally strong and the third is  And sometimes, especially in years of great stress and growth, only one area can be relied upon by both parties in marriage to sustain the marriage.  This can be incredibly hard and create cracks and opportunities for bitterness and malice to creep in, or what the Bible refers to as “giving the devil a foothold.”
being nurtured, the marriage is life-giving to each party and is a “successful” marriage.

This is why I mentioned in my first post that the only reason your father and I have some authority in this area is because we chose to stay, even when life got hard.  And let me tell you why…something that the world cannot understand until they get over themselves and start to believe God is Who He says He is:

Your father and I actually were married to Another before we married each other, and our loyalty remains to our first Love.

The minute your father and I chose to believe the Bible was true—even if we could not understand everything in it—we married our Creator.  We chose to have and to hold Him, from this day forward, ‘til death do us finally meet.  We chose to believe He loved us like no other person ever would and that He alone would be our sustenance and supply all our needs according to His amazing wealth and what was done through Christ on earth.

So, despite the way I swoon over Jerry telling Dorothy in Jerry Macguire that “you complete me,” there is a fundamental error in that saying.  Of course, I wish I was a princess 100% of the time in your father’s eyes, as much as he wishes he felt honored by me 100% of the time.  But there was ever only one person who walked the earth that could do that, and we missed meeting Him in person by 2000 years.

Of course, the good news is that we can get to know Him even now.  The Bible declares that my Maker is my husband (Is. 54:5), and that has been my solace many times in my marriage…as it has for your father.  No one person will ever be the perfect spouse for you, and marriage isn’t about that.  Marriage is a cherished, exclusive, intimate relationship you can only have with one other.  But it cannot ever satisfy every whim and desire and “should” you feel is owed to you as a spouse.

Which brings me to my next point.  Someone wiser than me once said, “Love can’t wait to give, lust can’t wait to get.”  I talk about this in my next post.

Love, 

Things I Appreciate About Your Father

Dear TEAMS,

There are any number of women who will and can list what is wrong with their husbands.  I was one of them early in your Daddy’s and my marriage, although I tried to temper it by telling only my closest friends and also making sure to list an equal amount of compliments to be a “good Christian.”  I have since realized a couple of striking truths about women like me:

1. It reflects more on me and my character than it does on my husband.  What does it say about me that I treat my girlfriends (whom I wouldn’t ever jump to find the bad things about) better than the man who has voluntarily and willingly pledged his whole life to support emotionally, spiritually, and physically?
2. “Bonding” over venting about husbands doesn’t occur; rather, it gives ammunition.
3. It is not logical or rational, in that it doesn’t solve the problems or deficits (if they exist) in his character.  Think about it:  if your spouse came up to you and complained about something you did, or if your best friend came up to you and started to complain to you about things you promise to do and don’t, how would you react?
4. When I complained, I was looking for validation for being upset about something, not to get an answer to my problem.  Being validated by another person is fine, but ultimately our validation has to be coming from our Utmost Relationship with God.  Only He can simultaneously make us feel thrilled to be alive and convicted we are doing something wrong.

So, once I got a better understanding of what it means to be an excellent wife, I started requiring myself to make a list of things I truly appreciate about your father.  None of this shallow, “he’s a nice guy,” either.  When I find myself throwing a pity party for how he done me wrong (or its 2 AM and I suddenly realize he’s to blame for everything bad in my life, including the things that existed before I met him), I stop myself and make myself name 10 things that are 100% positive and true about your Dad.  Sometimes, to assuage my selfish pride, I will even start out with, “It was totally wrong for him to x, but there is also the truth that y.  Of course, at the end of the list I realize that I really am married to a spectacular human being and laugh at myself for being so stubborn that I just HAD to be right at the beginning of the list.

The great thing is, I don’t have to memorize a list.  He’s always doing new things that are wonderful and noteworthy.  Here are a few things that I really appreciate about your daddy on April 10, 2012...not that I needed to or anything...:

• The way he says “beef-a-huddled” to mean all screwed up and out of whack.
• The way he says, “Sure it is, because I just said it,” when I tell him that beef-a-huddled is not a word.
• The way he goes to M’s track meets and S’s baseball games, even though he has to work in the evenings to catch up on his day.
• He is willing to change.  I know he doesn’t like to hear what my observations are sometimes, but after 24 hours to digest what I say, he tries to improve on areas I point out.
• He’s highly administrative and able to multitask.  Many men aren’t, which would really be a challenge for me!
• He gets up, day after day, week after week, year after year, and goes to work at a job that isn’t always fun or fulfilling to make sure we have everything we need.
• He gets a wee bit teary-eyed when he listens to Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle or Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman.
• That he loves his children more than life itself.
• That he thinks I’m sexy, even when I’m sicker than a dog.
• That his definition of “clean” is just a little bit easier than mine, therefore on my messy days he’s great, and on my clean days he extra thankful.
• That he learned to eat broccoli because it was important to me.  (And as an aside, I learned to put cheese on it to help.)
• That he’s very knowledgeable about home repair and has done amazing things to improve our home.
• He asks if there’s a Phillies game on as code for “I want to take a nap, but I feel guilty for taking a nap.”
• He goes out and buys me ice cream or malted milk robin’s eggs when I have a craving for them.
• He does the weekly shopping on Saturdays, the worst day of the week to go to the store.

Love,