Here is the second part to the letter I wrote to our dear friend who is having a hard time in her marriage right now. You can see the first part here.
**************
2) Being submissive has noting to do with laziness or giving up. Submission is willfully laying down what you deserve or expect or want in order that the greater good might be accomplished. It is an extremely active response, and it is birthed in your heart. Submission that doesn’t have the heart attitude of “I love this person and because it is important to this person that I do this, I will” backing it will backfire and cause the user a whole lot of pain and damage. If I do not actively do the work to make sure my heart is right, I am merely being legalistic and reinforcing the bars on the prison I feel trapped in.
I am the one in control when I actively
think through and lay down my rights because it is important to [my husband]. One example of this in our marriage has to do
with Puffs vs. store brand facial tissue. [My husband] really, really wanted me to buy Puffs when he had a cold. I couldn’t justify spending that much money
on something that held snot and was thrown away, especially when he would get
on me about how much I spent. When I
really started understanding the concept of true submission, I laid down my
right to have cheap tissue, even though it was extraordinarily expensive to buy
the Puffs brand. I didn’t just “shut up
and buy the tissue and be silent about how much it annoyed me,” nor did I play
the nobly wronged person saying, “That’s fine…I’m above all this, so if it’s
important then I will do it” martyr act.
I actually realized that by
spending my household expenses on Puffs, I was honoring God because I was
laying down my selfish desires (which were rooted in trying to controlling
money, anyway!). I would not have had
that realization had I not been willing to do it God’s way. God
would provide the finances taken from my spending on the Puffs. Just writing this, I realize it’s such a
silly thing that I ever spent my emotional energy on.
3) Being a wife and mother is extraordinarily hard work, but “escaping” is no longer possible. I’m not talking about the logistical stuff of actually getting a divorce. I know your heart is to trust God’s word with that. I’m talking about what gets you up in the morning. We live in a world where marriage is seen as an antiquated concept and women staying at home is seen as being equivalent to them being lazy. I didn’t realize how much that seeped into my daily thinking, even though way deep down I knew that was not true. I know things are really hard for you right now, and that your present situation consumes your thoughts. But I got to the point where I wondered at what if instead of feeling I was stuck, I instead put my heart into my work with a renewed passion to be an even more terrific wife and even more wonderful mother than what I was. I realized this was my present lot in life and would be for a while until the Holy Spirit really got ahold of [my husband]. I didn’t surrender; I accepted. I realized I put a lot into my job when I worked outside of the home, but didn’t approach this the same way. So, I started to do that. I actually got up every morning at 6:30 and curled my hair and everything, just as I did years before. It helped me find more pride in my work, and knowing I was performing for my First Husband (Who loved what I did!) really gave me a boost.
So many women feel this is subjugating themselves, when it is the most empowering position to be in. We actually, with our words and deeds as a fruit from a pure heart, have the capacity to literally change a person’s reactions and position before God. Because make no mistake, that is exactly what happens when sinners such as our husband sin against us and are greeted with pure, loving grace and kindness. Or when our children disrespectfully relate to us, or even rebel against us. My children and husband are better off today because of every time I was wounded because of something they said or did and I asked my First Husband to help, actively laid down my desires from a loving heart, and took my job seriously.
I owe you and apology and a huge THANK YOU. When we first came, you said that you don’t see [my husband] act the way [husband] does, and I said you were wrong. Then I said it was cyclical, but less. However, on real reflection I realized I am really wrong and have misrepresented my husband completely now. What I should have said was, “Yes, he used to be [husband], but now he is changed.” His awful times are few and far between, and I now can speak with him privately and let him have a day to lick his wounds and he turns around. THAT is because of the choice I made to realize the 3 things I talked about above. God did that through me! I thought he had to change, and what I didn’t realize is that I needed to change and that would initiate change in him (the Bible repeatedly talks about this). It has taken years, but I will say that I am very much a different person than the woman who felt so dead and lost and hopeless that stabbing myself with a knife just so I could feel something—anything—seemed enormously appealing to me. So, please forgive me for being so self-pitying that I would completely miss how much my husband has improved, and thank you for presenting me with that opportunity to see that.
I see this is page 4 of 4. Thanks, too, for reading this all the way through. Again, I really care that you are so miserable. I hope this letter will lead you to greater discoveries about yourself that will transform your whole family. Even if it doesn’t, you will find tremendous freedom and coping for your present situation by these things. Never, ever feel like you can’t call or write.
Love,
[Me]
Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.” ~Maria Portokalos, My Big Fat Greek Wedding
************
Love,
No comments:
Post a Comment
Because the intended audience for this manual is my children, please make sure the comments you leave are constructive and positive ones.