If I’m Ever Afraid of Dying

Dear TEAMS,

I was talking with a family friend this week who has been through a trauma that has her afraid of dying.  It is all very logical—the trauma she experienced was terrible, and so I validated that it is a reasonable fear.  She doesn’t want to have the fear anymore, so she has received counseling concerning ways to help her not be afraid.  Thankfully, she was going to a Counselor who understands that we battle unseen forces more than even what is seen, so she is really coming against those powers of darkness.

But I wanted more for her.  I suggested she take a two-pronged approach, standing firm and fighting the fears but also getting a real picture of what Heaven is like and how desirable and wonderful it is to go there…that all the time we are in a win-win.  We are all the time in this wonderful life because we are redeemed and have the capacity to face the earth’s trials with God’s peace through trusting Him:  win.  If something happens that we die, though--no matter if it is sudden or lingering, brutal or peaceful—we go to Heaven:  win.  In other words, we have all this and Heaven, too.

Every so often, I have that brief moment of clarity which shows me the reality of Heaven.  It is so clear to me that for just a moment I see the eternal nature of Heaven, and the joy that is there—true joy, with pain not being part of the equation of life.  For just a glimpse, I see purpose and pure, abundant life…the life God intended from the start, the life that was there in Eden before the Lie, and the life we are destined to because we believe Jesus is Who He said He is.  

The lightness in my Inner Man for that moment is hard to describe.  It is the absence of fear; it is the absence of everything that keeps me grounded here.  And every time I get these peeks, it hits me again with a new revelation that where God is…well, that’s Reality.  Not the things we are so sure of here that we see, hear, taste, and feel.  It will be so good to be there.  I have been married to God for 30 years or so through Jesus’ sacrificial death and victory over the chains that held Mankind, and I have yet to see His face.  This God Who loved me so much that He saw my predilection to wander away from Him, even though we are not whole until we are reunited with Him, that He paid a price for me even before I was born.  This God Who is endless Comfort, endless Counselor, endless Creator, who saves my tears in a bottle and sings over me, Who sees when I go to bed or when I get up, Who is taken with me all the time and fawns over me out of the purest Love imaginable…I have never gotten to touch His face, or bow down before Him in a way that I could see Him when I arose.  I yearn to be with Him, and I yearn to see people I love again.

And it is so good to be here.  I must wait awhile until God calls me Home, and do the work He has purposed me to do here.  I love living with you and I love living with your father.  More than being blessed, I am aware of my blessings and what my position really is before God.  I am thankful.  I exist to do the King’s work, and I willingly do so, even when it costs me dearly.  The beautiful thing is, every time I feel I am losing a part of myself in service to Him through being a homemaker, I realize that what is replaced is true satisfaction of the real me.  

Yes, all this and Heaven, too.

Love,

Checklist: The Last “To Do” List You’ll Ever Need

Dear TEAMS,

I am a list maker.  You know it from living with me; hence the “thought holding” board in the kitchen, the perpetual grocery and Kmart lists on the fridge, and the 8-1/2” x 11” papers before a big event.  Judging from the papers in your grandma’s belongings, I got this from her.  I’m so good at making lists that it is my default switch when I wake up.  Before I even open my eyes, I am mentally saying, “Okay, devotions, then morning routine.  What will I have for breakfast?”  And so on.  It’s that engrained in me.

 

I am thankful I am gifted with administration.  I really think it’s fun to organize things, and I feel that taking something and making order out of it is a creative, fulfilling act.  In fact, I would I would almost equate it to a fun game.  I am making something new or improving on something existing.  It’s fun for me, when I’m not overwhelmed.

But there’s the rub, isn’t it?  As with all gifts that come from God, when it is used as part of my identity, or focused on more than on the Creator who gave it, it can and will become a Master to be served rather than a tool to help me achieve my destiny.  I do feel that my list of things to do in my day can master me.  When I wake up and know what is before me before even opening my eyes, I am tempted to go to boredom and despair, because there is nothing that requires repeated acts done in a consist manner so much as homeschooling children and running a home.

So our faithful, kind, compassionate Father—knowing my predilection for taking the lazy way out and walking like a robot through my day, answering to “The List”—confronted me about this in January.  Mind you, it was the same song, umpteenth verse He’s been trying to teach me since I gave my life to Him to have.  But in January, I listened a little better.

I had just finished doing my devotional time and was refining my list.  In the middle of my thoughts, He interrupted me.  As succinctly and lovingly as possible, He said, Actually, Carolyn, there is only one thing on your list for today.  You just have to trust Me.

As usual, I responded in quiet devotion with, “Yes, my Lord and Savior.  Of course I will trust you.” 

{        } Giving you enough time to recover from your laughter.  Okay, now that I’ve brightened your day…

No, what I started with was questioning.  “But Lord,” I said, “if all l I do is trust you, how will the practical parts of my day get done?”

You have to trust Me with that.

“No, I mean I get that, Lord.  What I mean is life is about practical stuff.  I can’t just say, ‘I’m not planning anything today with your school because I’m trusting God to show me.’”

Yeah, you have to trust Me with that, too.

“No, I don’t think you’re getting my point, God.  It’s that I have kids to raise, food to cook, education to happen, calls to make with the business…”

Technically, my dear, I don’t think you are getting what I am saying.  Especially since I know everything and you do not.  Just trust.  That’s it.  No clarification needed, because that would kinda discount the whole concept I am trying to teach you.

That day, I got up with one thing on my “To Do” list:  1)  Trust.  When I found myself, 30-seconds later, composing a list out of habit, I said, “No, I just have to trust.”  After breakfast when I was figuring out what sequence of events would happen in our morning meeting, I said, “No, I just have to trust.”  

It became a mantra for that day, and the next, and the next.  I had no peace in saying it and doing it, just faith that God was leading me into green pastures.  And little by little, I am finding the tyranny of my lists subsiding and the glorious freedom of it as a tool being rediscovered.  I am more present in my moments, catching the little surprises God has for me in every day that I glossed over before.  I am seeing that {GASP!} everything that needs to get done is getting done, and in fact even more.  I am positive that many things that have gotten done in the last 3 months would never have made the cut for my list.  But they were important and were on God’s agenda.  Because I am trusting Him, I get to see them accomplished.

In fact, when all this happened with JS’ murder and so lots of things had to be put on the back burner just so we could process our emotions, I had a tiny epiphany.  It was such a relief when the voices inside my head were yelling at me about lost momentum with the business, and not finishing the school year early, and how can we help the family, and how can I make sure you were being taken care of to stop them with a simple, “All I have to do is trust.”

I don’t know at what point in your life God will lead you to this post.  I believe it will be at a point where He’s trying to teach you about deepening your concept of Trust.  It is a subject that I am aspiring to model to you all.  I hope I will be a great practical example for you at that point.

Love, Your recovering,  list-making,