Dealing with the Jealousy of Others—Part II

Dear TEAMS,

In the last blog post, I shared about Jealousy and understanding why we all feel it, and how to address it.  This post is how to handle being a victim of a jealous person.

I am on the other side of the equation now, with my own version of Barbies and the Barbie townhouse.  I shared with your father yesterday that sometimes I feel guilty sharing what I do in my statuses on Facebook.  I feel so blessed, and am so thankful to God for what he has given me with my husband, 5 healthy children, enough food to eat and a nice house to raise you in.  But I guess there’s the kicker—I share from a heart of thankfulness, knowing I have what I have only because of God’s blessing.  Joel Osteen calls this “wearing your blessing well” and cites Psalm 35:27, The Lord be magnified, Who delights in the prosperity of His servant.  The point of this verse is to point to the nature of God’s generosity and His character and His work, not that His servant is prosperous (which is more than just financial).  And in my heart and from my lips, I try to always let people know that I am where I am because of His Grace in my life.  Some has just been gifts He has given, but I think also that God set about the best way to do things in His word and so my manifold choices of doing things His way over time has reaped some of what I see around me.

I think that’s the #1 thing most jealous people (myself included) fail to really get.  They don’t realize they have come in at the happily ever after part of the TV show, not the parts that show the blood, sweat, tears, and sacrifice that has birthed what is there.  We live in a home with a beautiful addition because we didn’t go on large family vacations, didn’t order pizza and eat out a lot, and were careful with our money, even at the grocery store.  When we first moved in, we had a tenant in the upstairs 2 bedrooms and the three oldest of you in one bedroom and Daddy and me in the other with an unfinished basement.  If someone is jealous of my home, they have come in at the end of the story.

Your father and I have a great marriage of 23 years and counting.  Our first 10 years were miserable, due to unmet expectations, pride, stress from having many small children, and the strain of long work hours from your daddy’s job.  There was a point that I was making plans to leave your father and move back to Ohio.  The only thing that stopped me was God Himself almost audibly speaking to me and telling me that doing that would take me further from Him, not closer.  In tears, I submitted to His will, certain it was a lifetime sentence of misery.  If someone is jealous of my marriage, they have come in at the end of the story.

E is a charming person, who is submitted to God’s will for her life.  Because of the training she has received from us for healthy relationship between you all, she naturally relates to males in a respectful, carefree way.  She knows her own mind and has personal goals in her adult life.  All of these things make her attractive and a “catch” to interested men.  But we all know the demons she has fought and has won/is winning against.  We know that the past 7 years have been full of anger, tears, and overcoming fear.  If someone is jealous of her, they have come in at the end of the story.

Sure, sometimes there is simply a Godsend, just the way sometimes I go to the store and pick you up a shirt on sale, a candy bar, or something unexpected that I give you out of my love for you which brings you happiness.  But most of life is not the out-of-the-blue blessing, but the little choices made over time that reaped big dividends.  And, I would be disappointed if you were pleased with my gift but then were embarrassed about it, tried to hide or downplay it, or didn’t share about it with others with a heart of thankfulness.  

I encourage you all to consider this when you are feeling jealousy stir.  And when someone is jealous of you, teach them gently that they came in at the end of the story.

Love, 

Dealing with the Jealousy of Others—Part I

Dear TEAMS,

Right now, E is in a situation where one of her acquaintances is mad at her and treating her poorly.  This person is in touch with herself enough to know she is jealous of her, and told her so.  E came to me and told me she wasn’t sure what to do, because she felt it was this person’s problem and not her own…but she felt badly for the person and didn’t want to exacerbate the person’s jealousy.  Should she change her behavior to help the other person?

{SIGH}  Jealousy:  That evil, green-eyed monster that takes our own insecurities and twists them around to make it seem like the other person’s life/aspect of their life is preferable to our own.  What to do when we are the victim of a jealous person…or are jealous ourselves?

When I was still in the single digits, I had a friend who seemed to have everything I wanted.  She had many Barbies and Barbie clothes out the wazoo.  She had a Barbie townhouse.  She had a little electric organ that you could plug in and play.  Her mom or dad would fix supper and they would eat as a family at 4:30 every night.  Her closet was full of nice clothes, and it was larger than the one I shared with your Aunt K.  She even had play makeup that she was allowed to wear, with fancy costume jewelry.  I’m ashamed to say that one day, when she was out of the room, I stuck a pair Mod Barbie’s orange boots in my panties, along with a little plastic Barbie hanger for the Barbie closet in the townhouse.  When I got home, I put them on my Barbie, happy she had boots, because I had lost one of the high heels she had come with and she no longer had any shoes.  I then hid them, afraid that my mother would find them and know she hadn’t bought them.  

By then, what I was learning in Sunday School was impacting me and I knew it was wrong, but I justified it by saying that she had so much and would also never miss it.  Funny thing was, though, I didn’t really play with the boots on my Barbie.  Nor did I have anything to hang the tiny hanger on.  I resolved to never do that again, although the short ending to that is that I didn’t hold true to my promise to myself, stole some more things and eventually got caught by her.

But, actually, at the heart of my foray into thievery-by-panties was jealousy.  I wanted what she had, thinking it would make me happy.  There was no way for my elementary mind to logically know that.  But the reasons I get jealous haven’t changed a bit over the brief course of my life, nor anyone’s life since time began.  And it doesn’t matter if it is Barbie clothes, a certain brand of jeans, a certain type of body, eye color, boyfriends, talents, vacations, houses, cars—as we get older the things we desire might change, but the source is the same.  We are aware of lack in our own lives and decide to focus on other’s abundance, thinking somehow if we have what they have we will feel full.  Only our Father can fill that need.

I want to encourage you, when you are feeling jealous, to acknowledge that it’s not about what the other person has.  It is about the emptiness you feel that you are mistaking for lack.  Get with God.  Begin to list everything you are thankful for.  Resolve not to stop until you reach 100 things.  Then, think about what your life would be like without these things.  After that, ask yourself which life you prefer?  Your jealousy might have sat with you long enough that it no longer even looks like jealousy, but rather rational justification for hate or disliking someone or a group of people.  Come to terms with this—are these thoughts bringing life to you and those around you, or is it spiraling you deeper into miserable feelings?  I will assure you that you are robbing yourself of relationship with a loving God and with good people…which is the answer to any hard thing.

Love, 

About Our Maid of Honor Canner/Pressure Cooker

Dear TEAMS,

I just wanted to preserve in photographs the canner that is in my last blog post.  I am tickled to no end about the place in history the box holds.

Because of the mailing label, I naturally first assumed that this had been my mother (your Grandmother K)’s canner.  The stamps on the label state it was sent in August 1956.  The orange stamp has a 6 in one corner and the 2 pink ones are 50 cents each.  It was sent from Sears, Roebuck and Co., Chicago 7, Ill to your grandpa at 1009 Cypress Av, FINDLAY OHIO 3.  (No zip codes yet in the ‘50s, let alone zip+4!)  The blue writing on the side reads “One No. 04600-16 Qt. Cooker Canner.  Maid of Honor Housewares are sold only by Sears, Roebuck and Company”  My parents would have been married for just over a year at this point, so I figured this was a late wedding present or something bought with Green Stamps or something.

 But then came the neatly typed label on the side, and it was a dead giveaway.  This was my Grandmother Rayle’s for sure, or at least she ended up using it!  You see, your great-grandfather on your mom’s side labeled everything…everything!  I still have the reused coffee tin I found on his homemade table saw that had a piece of masking tape on it labeled, “Sawdust.”  That, and I have all sorts of boxes he made to hold things.  I imagine they were all in the basement of their home on Hudson Street, because if I remember correctly he had a workshop down there.  And every box always had a little slip of neatly cut paper with his handwriting or typewritten note saying what was in the box.  So when I saw the label, I knew this was used at my grandmother’s.  

I’d like to think it was a gift from my parents to my grandparents, knowing how my grandmother canned.  Or perhaps it was used by my mother when she was still setting up her house but later she gave it to grandma when she realized she would never use it again.  No matter…because I’m using it now!

Love,

Three Dollar Jam and Botulism

Dear TEAMS,

This morning, I crossed another thing off my bucket list.  I have always wanted to know how to “can” food by placing the prepared food in sterilized jars, sealing them, and then processing them in boiling water.  Right now, my limited exposure to canning happened about 4 years ago when I canned some jam using the inversion method.  I wasn’t concerned about spoilage due to the high sugar content and the fact that we ate a lot of jam quickly when you were younger!

For some reason, I was always scared to can the “real” way.  Mostly, I remember hearing the horror stories from my mother and one of my bosses in my 20s about women who didn’t process their green beans long enough and killed someone with botulism.  To my knowledge, I never saw my mother can although I know she knew how; she got together with some friends once and canned quarts and quarts of something she named “Tompepcel” (Tomato, pepper, and celery juiced together).  I never, ever, saw her drink it.  I don’t know if she was trying to preserve a memory or was scared of possible death from botulism.

But, after reading thoroughly through so many articles, and knowing J and S down the street can a lot (J mostly, because of his gardening), and knowing of NO ONE in my entire life who has dropped dead of botulism from home-canned foods, I decided it was time to try it.  I picked 4 quarts of strawberries last night from our garden and washed them and decided I would make strawberry jam today.  I also decided I would get out my grandmother’s canner that I rescued from your Grandma’s house during The Cleanup and I would process them in the hot water bath.  And, I would kill no one with botulism in the process.

There was a strange sensation pulling this huge canner out of the very dated box.  The last person who likely touched this was my grandmother as she put it away for the last time that season after canning, probably in the late 1970s or early 1980s.  I don’t know the last thing she ever canned.  I’m guessing she didn’t know it was the last time she would can, that the disease that was causing her to forget everything but stuff she knew from way back would claim her canning capabilities in a year.  But her hands had touched it, and now mine were, too.

Same, too, the feeling of connection when I finally lifted the wire basket with the 8 prepared jars of “red gold” (as your Uncle K termed it) and put it into the boiling water.  I thought about how carefully I was placing it the basket in the pot of boiling water and then wondered how many hundreds of times your Great-Grandma put the same basket in without giving it a second thought.  All she knew was that canning was a necessity due to the salary your Great-Grandpa earned in ministry.  I was canning for the luxury of saving myself $3 on a jar of jam.  She canned because they wouldn’t have jam or peaches (and yes, even green beans!) if she didn’t.  How thankful I am for the prayers she must have prayed that I would be blessed.

When A got home from work this afternoon, she saw the 8 jars on the counter and said, “Wow…you CANNED?!?!  Must be nice to only have 2 kids to homeschool now so you have time!”  I smiled.  She didn’t even ask me if it was botulism-free.

Love, 

Why God Lets Children Get Cancer – Part II

Dear TEAMS,

My last post to you began the discussion of Why Does God Let Bad Things Happen?  In it, I counseled you to really get at the heart of what your hurting friend is really dealing with.  In the end, they need to know you care.

As for the theological/academic answer to that question, I have found it to be brusque and hard but nonetheless Truth.  God does not need to be defended.  I am reminded of the movie A Few Good Men and the dialogue between characters in the courtroom:

Col. Jessep:   You want answers?

Kaffee:   I think I'm entitled to.

Col. Jessep:   You want answers?

Kaffee:   I want the truth!

Col. Jessep:   You can't handle the truth!

The Truth is that God didn’t mess up this world, we did.  He created us with the ability to make powerful choices, and every choice we make in life either creates life or it doesn’t.  Choose to smoke 20 cigarettes a day, and you’ll probably get lung cancer and die from it.  Even if you’re a nice guy, the life of the party, the best friend of everyone you meet.  God, who created magnificent lung tissue that extracts what we cannot see from the air we take in and a body that then distributes those elements all around without our having any control or knowledge of it, entrusted that lung tissue to us for care.  But somehow, the smoker is absolved of all blame when they didn’t hold up their end of the bargain?

God entrusts a person with financial or property wealth and the person thinks of nothing else but to spend it on his own pleasure, so much so that at the end of life, the surplus is gone.  Three generations later, his young, widowed, great-granddaughter who is the sweetest person anyone has ever met would love to be able to buy a house for her children but cannot, and laughs at her situation, wondering what it was like for this unknown ancestor to have enough to get through a day.  And God is blamed that this good woman is in her situation?

Hundreds of years ago, an ancestor wandered into a place of higher naturally occurring radiation, or was incapable of eating a balanced diet, or was a cussed son-of-a-gun and drank himself silly and caused genetic mutation that was carried and built upon throughout time.  Perhaps even more descendants of his made terrible choices as well, adding to the likelihood of DNA damage.  And a young boy born to lovely parents contracts brain cancer at 12 months.  But all of a sudden, there is no anger at stupid choices that there is no proof of, but anger at a God who there is proof of?

Just what exactly ARE we responsible for, if not our choices?  And when we are a victim to one or more person’s bad choices, why aren’t people really focused with their anger at the people who made the bad choices?  And why is it that the people who generally ask these questions don’t entertain the possibility that there have been thousands upon millions of things that they have been spared from because of the very nature of God that they are now calling into question?  

We cannot have it both ways.  We cannot get angry at God for not stopping the drunk driver that killed the newly graduated, responsible high school student but then dismiss away the times we made the bad common sense choices and believe we “got away with it” because we saw nothing bad happen.  Nothing bad happened because of God’s Mercy, not because you are God and made it that way.  Why is it deciding to have unprotected sex that didn’t result in pregnancy or STD (if only that was all there was to it!) is seen as us dodging a bullet, and not an act of God’s mercy?  

Make no mistake; God set up the world to be a place of beauty and compassion and about Him.  Not because He is a self-absorbed, self-centered SOB, but because He has always been, always is, and always will be.  He spoke one word, and life and our world was created, full of mysteries and wonder and beauty that we cannot fathom with our merely human brains.  He set up the laws we live by, both legal and unspoken.  He is the ultimate authority.  But to blame Him, when He is the originator of all we find good in the world?  Is that even logical?  Again, if it’s God’s fault, do you really believe you are walking through this world completely innocent and absolved of blame?

So, how do you reconcile the fact that children get cancer (or insert whatever you wish that is tragic), through no fault of their own?  Well, truly, I think that is the wrong question.  Just think about it logically:

• Will answering this question keep children from getting cancer ever again?
• Will answering this question heal the child of his/her cancer?
• Will you accept the answer if you don’t like it?

Because the answer to the question of why there is evil in the world is that there just is.  We Christians frame it as “we live in a fallen world.”  I defy you to tell me there is not, because I’ve got a whole lotta tangible proof around me.  I have found as I see more of life that the most successful people in life acknowledge the existence of evil, but choose to focus on the abundance of blessings they DO have.  Hence, the Facebook status that realizes the luxury that the worst thing in your life right now is bad traffic, or that people disagree with you politically.

What I finished in my message to my friend on Facebook: 

All I know is that God weeps with us and cares and is walking beside us. He made us strong, and I believe He delights to see us rely on that gift in these hard, character-refining times. He is more there than we know, protecting us from far more than we can see or imagine, and showing new mercies to us every morning.

Love,

Why God Lets Children Get Cancer – Part I

Dear TEAMS,

I was on Facebook yesterday and was posting an observation from one of Daddy’s friends who has a 2-year old son with brain cancer.  They have been battling it over a year, and the child has done the last experimental treatment possible…and the cancer came back.  The child has already had IQ points knocked off because of the brain damage caused by the aggressive chemo treatment that was necessary for the cancer...and now the child has cancer back anyway.  It is heartbreaking.

Anyway, Daddy’s friend said that he wished he had the luxury of being able to make a “normal” Facebook post about the bad traffic or politicians his disagreed with or a passing illness.  That struck me, because most of the people on FB who post those things are unaware that it is a luxury to only have those things to invest their emotional energy into.  So, I posted a status that reflected my observation.

One of the comments I received was from a childhood friend who said, “These are the things I plan to discuss with God someday!”  The comment struck me as odd, because my status was about putting things into perspective.  But upon reflection, I realized her comment reflected the hurt and anger she has at the way things are and seeing people she loves suffer.

I sent her a private message that told her that I cared that she hurt, and that I wondered about how it all worked together.  Here is an excerpt of my message to her:

I have no answers for you about the "whys." I ask them myself sometimes. Theologically, I suppose one could debate about a fallen world and God remaining true and submissive to his own laws, but in the end words and discussions really don't provide the comfort and healing that is needed instead.

There will be a point in your life that you will probably wonder about how, if God is so powerful and can do anything, why he would let young children get (and die of) cancer, or why bad things happen, or why if you prayed you didn’t get the answer you wanted.  If you don’t get to that point in your life, rest assured that people you care about will.  So, I wanted to tell you what I have been led to believe, which has comforted me in times of crisis and hopefully will empower you to comfort yourself and your friends.

Simply, look at the heart of the person (or yourself) as to why the question is being asked.  I have found that the person asking the “why” question usually falls into 2 camps:  the person is angry and hurting, or the person is humbly reflecting on the mystery of the nature of God.  Mostly, people fall into the former category.  I will tell you, though, that it has been my experience that the person will not be helped by the answer to that question.  They (or you) are deluding themselves if they think it will take away the pain.  Sometimes, the person is looking for a reason to hate God and just wants to finally have a reason, because deep down they know the academic answer (which I cover in my next blog).  The actual action that needs to happen is to come alongside the one you love and tend to the hurt, and the question becomes a non-issue because the real need the person has is being tended to. 

Practically, here are some things you can say to your loved one who is really struggling:

• You know, I ask the same thing sometimes!  I don’t have an answer for you right now, but I care and would like to walk through your pain with you.
• I don’t feel as if I can really talk about that with you right now.  But could we spend some time together over coffee?
• I can tell this really bothers you and makes you [sad/upset/angry].  I don’t blame you…it certainly is a good question.  Just know I care that you are [sad/upset/angry]. 

Love, 

How To Write a Letter To The Editor

Dear TEAMS, 

As you know, I am not one to remain silent on things that are important.  As I have gotten older, I have realized that less things are important than I think, but every so often something happens that I feel another viewpoint needs to be heard.

That’s when I feel a well-phrased Letter to the Editor (or anyone who needs to hear) is called for.  But before you open up your laptop and zip one off, I wanted you to submit to you some things for your consideration:

• Pray for God’s wisdom to guide you and put words in your head while you write.  It could be God wishes to use your letter in a life-changing way that you never know, and He will be sure to tell you phrases that will ring true with the reader.
• Do not expect to hear a response, and do not write your letter to get a response.  Write the letter because you want  the person to consider a point of view they do not seem to be aware of.
• Always be courteous, respectful and kind in your letter, and be diplomatic in word choice and phraseology.  The Truth is offensive enough.  Don’t give people an excuse to refrain from dealing with the point you are trying to make because they want to attack your behavior.
• Stick to the facts and use logic.  If you hear back from someone and they take issue with your logic and facts, well, that’s a reflection on them.
• Don’t make threats.  If you really think you cancelling your subscription matters to the editor, you are WAY wrong.  In fact, they are glad to be rid of you because they are just as busy as you are and would rather spend their time elsewhere than with someone who disagrees with them. 
• In fact, a well-placed sentence stating your appreciation for other areas of the publication show that you are an interested reader.
• Show grace.  I use the Three Strikes Rule:  the first time something was in a publication that caused me to get my dander up, it was just an opportunity for me to learn to bless them and re-examine/stretch my viewpoints; the second time something shows up I heartily disagree with is just another opportunity for me to show grace; and the third time is a trend and I probably don’t want to waste my money on renewing.
• By all means, use your spell-check and grammar check.  Your Momma learnt you some good English—USE IT!  Again, it makes the reader (who will be dealing with an opposing viewpoint) stick to the viewpoint and not the intelligence of the writer.  (It is, of course, unfortunate that people are judged by their ability to construct sentences in a correct way, but trust me—it’s just the way it is!)
• If you feel you need to cancel your subscription, then do it, but without fanfare or a nastygram.  I have quietly cancelled 2 magazines and a newspaper subscription so far in my life, and two times I didn’t bother telling the people why, nor did they come asking.  Interestingly enough, the 2 magazines folded within 9 months of me cancelling my subscription, and the newspaper closed up after 18 months.  But at least I knew I had given the publications a fair opportunity to win me (and my hard-earned money) back by sticking to the purpose it was created for and the reason I subscribed to it in the first place.

 

Here is the actual letter I emailed to the editor of Prevention magazine on 3/9/12.  (This was strike one and have since scored another strike with me in a subsequent issue):

Ms. Salvatore:

Thank you for your hard work on Prevention magazine. I have enjoyed my subscription for several years and plan to continue doing so.

On page 10 of the April 2012 issue (“Ask Prevention”), Prevention’s answer to a reader wondering how much porn is too much for a teenaged boy seems underwise and overly politically correct. In the answer, you cite Todd Spaulding of Oxbow Academy who states that “viewing porn provides the same dopamine hit to the brain as drugs or gambling.” That statement implies drugs and gambling are bad physiologically, and porn is to be included with those choices.

If you were to change Spaulding’s last quoted statement to read, “If he prefers doing drugs by himself to hanging out with friends, then you may want to consult with a professional therapist,” you would have hell to pay. No one in their right mind would read that statement and think it is valid, healthy, or a part of true wellness to let a kid do drugs. Add to this that the majority of porn deals with dysfunctional relationship where there is an aggressor and a victim (the highest percentage of which are female), and there is no credence to the advice given to this poor woman. The answer to “How much porn is too much?” is the same as “How much ecstasy/pot/heroin is too much?”: One hit, be it a tab, puff, or website.

Sorry, you got this one completely wrong and we readers deserve better.

Sincerely,
[Me]

--------------------------

Love, 

Checklist: You Know When You’re an Adult When…

Dear TEAMS,

This morning I woke up to crying.  E was downstairs, stomping around.  A few minutes later, I heard the Camry back up the driveway and she was gone.

Your father came up the stairs and I asked him what was up.  He told me that E was very tired and getting sick and she didn’t know what to do since she had to go to work, and she was mad at your father for (very wisely) not telling her to stay home.

Ah, the joys of adulthood!  When all of a sudden you realize that you are responsible for the big and little decisions of your life, and you are responsible for the consequences of the decisions no matter what.

Somewhere along the way, your father and I, without our knowledge or fanfare or celebration, became adults.  It wasn’t when we turned 18 or 21, it wasn’t when we went to college or got married.  It wasn’t even when we had kids.  These were all moments that contributed to our growing up, but not the actual turning point.  But, it happened nonetheless, and I’m glad of it.

Instead of talking about what the definition of an adult is, I thought it might be better to give you a few litmus tests you can compare yourself to know whether or not you qualify.  

Beeteedubs (as M likes to say):  Just as you can’t know all the thrills and benefits of becoming a member to an exclusive club but you just join in faith it will be enjoyable, you can’t know how fulfilling all the benefits are to being an adult until you become one.  Your choice...but I will tell you it's worth it!

You Know You Are an Adult When:

• (And this one I read once from someone wiser than myself) you do the right things even when no one is looking.
• You are ready to accept consequences for your choices, good or bad.
• You make decisions based more on how other people around you will be affected rather than how you will be impacted.
• Sex, entertainment, or any pleasurable activity is not so you can be gratified but rather relationship-building with your spouse (sex) or friends and family.
• You practice good hygiene and wellness practices for the purposes of taking care of your body to invest in the future and nothing else.
• Having children is about them and not what you’ll get out of it.
• You spend most of your days working and your free time in each day is spent on activities that are “others” centered.
• You get enough sleep.
• You understand that being wrong actually has nothing to do with anything.
• You understand that humility is not the absence of pride, it is understanding who you are in relationship to who God is.
• You have the capacity to earn and save enough money to support yourself and any dependents and that fact is extremely satisfying and desirable to you.
• You value “old people.”
• You realize that all the time giving your opinion is less helpful than saying “I care.”
• How you feel is less relevant to you than what is right.
• You are fairly certain that at any given moment, you “feel” things more purely and acutely than most people around you who are more expressive about their emotions, and yet you still have the capacity to care for what is troubling them and help them.
• The friends you have live their own lives without you, but when you’re together, their life experience blends with your life experience and makes it magical.
• Being loved and accepted by most is not even a regular part of your thought life; loving and accepting the most important people in your life is.

Love,

Note-able

Dear TEAMS,

Was looking around the house today and realized how much communication gets done via notes and posts.  Do you remember:

Added 5/28/12:

Love,

You Won’t Go Blind, But… — MATURE CONTENT

PLEASE NOTE:  This blog post is written for the future audience of my adult children and deals with sexual self-gratification (masturbation).  If this topic offends you, you should stop reading this now.

 Dear TEAMS,

I am laughing to myself as I imagine each one of you, years from now, reading this post.  Betcha never even knew your Momma knew what that word was, eh?!? 

I’d like to talk with you about this concept, though, because I can’t imagine it won’t ever come up with you or your children.  I suppose it should have come up in our home with you as teens, reconciling yourselves to your adult bodies.  But your father and I just never knew what would fan a flame and what would serve as instruction, so like all chicken Christians, we dropped it.  My prayer is that it never became a stumbling block for any of you.

I am looking back on my life and thinking about how I just wanted to be told what I should and should not do when I was in my teen years.  I know I wanted to serve God and have a relationship with Him, and I wanted efficiency in my instruction.  I was pretty sure of the “should nots,” but needed clarity on the maybes.

As I have matured in my relationship with God, I realized I had it backwards.  Sure, sometimes just doing what is understood to be a good discipline even if you don’t understand the “why” can birth greater depth of understanding for issues.  For instance, spending time reading the Bible every day, even when I don’t feel like it or the words seem one-dimensional, has created in me a deeper understanding of the power of God’s Word and what those times that seemed inconsequential really birthed in me over time.  But the “biggie” topics—the ones that had the power to destroy or build up but aren’t mentioned in the Bible—God was trying to show me that it’s about what my base motivation is in my heart, not the action itself.

Individual masturbation has one goal:  to create sexual climax by yourself.  Let me tell you why Sexual self-gratification (SSG) matters, and why it’s a big deal. 

• SSG sets up the expectation that this is the end goal of sexual relationship:  YOU having YOUR climax.
• SSG sets up the idea that you can have what you want when you want it, which isn’t true in any dimension of any fulfilling life.
• SSG does not allow you to develop a healthy coping mechanism to deal with your sexual desires without climax.  There will be times in your marriage that your partner will be unable or unwilling to make love with you, but will need your presence in other ways.  You will need to have the skill of knowing how to “calm down” in order to better meet his/her needs.
• SSG robs your future partner of discovering sex together.  It’s this wonderful, marvelous new world and getting to learn together builds trust in the relationship in a deep way.
• SSG in marriage creates insensitivity to your partner’s sexual needs.  There’s this wonderful subliminal simpatico that lovers get where they discover they are feeling the same feelings at the same time, which they then schedule for or plan for fulfilling and meeting each other’s needs.  If you simply gratify yourself, you deaden that radar and your spouse feels alone.
• SSG creates memories that you bring into your relationship with your spouse which can cause frustration that he/she isn’t scratching your itch the way you do.  That’s not fair to compare, and is akin to being upset that your spouse doesn’t perform as well as your other active lover (you!).
• SSG can be a “gateway” for other non-God intended sexual behavior (such as pornography, etc.), because (once again) it makes sex about how YOU feel and how YOU are relieved and YOUR buzz.  Great sex is completely servant-hearted and not about any of that, even though you feel great and are relieved and buzzed afterwards.
• SSG can cause timing issues when you are making love with your spouse.
• SSG can cause guilt, which in turn can cause you to harden your heart because you get tired of the discomfort guilt brings.
• SSG as a coping mechanism for the stresses in life does not allow God to comfort you and teach you how to cope with the very real, hard things you are dealing with.  Using any sexual activity to cope with stress is pretty much addiction.  God not only wants to help you cope, He wants to deliver you from that stress…a more permanent, mature solution that helps you the next time you encounter stress.

In other words, masturbation makes everything about YOU.  You know from living life in our home that our happiest, most contented days were when everyone was purposing in their hearts to serve other’s needs over their own.  The Bible speaks over and over again about how placing others’ needs over your own are the ultimate act of love.  I want you to live out your excellent destiny.  I hope you will choose God’s best over your own.

Love,