Pre-Premarital Expectations—A Checklist

Dear TEAMS,

In my last post, I talked with you about what quality premarital counseling is and why it should be pursued.  An excellent book about this is Called Together, by Steve and Mary Prokopchak.  It will do far more than a simple checklist of things to talk about ever could, and is an excellent premarital counseling curriculum.

Before you even commit to marriage, though, let me give you a list of things you should talk to your Beloved about.  Talk about this with each of you answering and understand fully what each other’s expectations are.  There are no right answers to these questions, just right understanding of what the other person thinks.  And I say this with sober love and respect for your feelings:  if you cannot come to some agreeable solution to most of these when your expectations differ, you should probably re-evaluate whether or not you should marry.  Marriage is as much a business proposition as it is a love relationship, as terribly unromantic as that sounds.

Also, you will notice that none of my questions are about squeezing the toothpaste in the middle of the tube vs. the end, or if the toilet paper gets put on the roll with the end over the top or under the bottom.  Those are issues that are in the “black olives” category.  These are basic, common sense things that expectations should match on (or be in the same ballpark).  And, these need to be answered honestly by each person—not saying what one thinks the other wants to hear.

Love,

Household – Before Kids

Who do you feel should do the grocery shopping?

Who will do the laundry?  Should the laundry be put away right away?

Who should vacuum and dust?

Who should do the deep cleaning on a seasonal basis?

Who should wash the dishes/load the dishwasher?

Who should take out the garbage?  How soon should it be taken out when its full?

Who should get the garbage to the curb every week?

Household – After Kids

All the same questions

Financial

Who should make the most money in the family?

Do you want to own a house right away, or wait?

How much money do you save every paycheck?

What is your ideal vacation and what do you want to spend on it?

Who do you think should pay the bills and manage the accounts every month?

Do you feel the wife should work outside the home?

If the wife doesn’t work outside the home, how much is she allowed to spend on non-household expenses?

Financial—After Kids

All the same questions.

Relational

How much time do you want to spend with your family after marriage?  One time per week?  Once per month?  If out of town, how much do you want to visit family every year?  (NOTE:  since all of you will live in the 5 houses around ours, it’s okay if you want to visit your spouse’s family frequently. ;)  )

What do you want to do with your day off?

How much “alone time” do you want to have every week?

How much time do you want to spend on your hobbies every week?

Do you want to go to bed together every night of the week?

What is your “ideal” evening after work?

Do you like to talk more or listen more?

Do you feel I talk too much?

Personal

Do you have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ that fills you and that you ultimately rely on daily to cope with life’s circumstances?

Is attending church important to you?

Is meeting with other people who believe spiritually like you do important to you?

What makes you feel closest to God?

How important is exercise to you?

What annoys you?

How important is staying healthy to you?

What is one bad habit you have that you don’t care that you have?

What do you do when you are frustrated?

Is yelling when you are angry acceptable to you?

Is getting physical when you are angry acceptable to you?

How do you feel about going to work every day?

What are your dreams for 20 years from now?

What are you the most afraid of?

Do you struggle with pornography or other hidden addictions?

Children

Do you want to have children?

How many children do you want to have?

Do you feel the wife should stay home with the children?

Do you want to homeschool the children?

What annoys you about children?

How do you feel about adoption?

What is the best way to discipline a child?

Which is better when a child is acting out: controlling a child’s behavior, or addressing the heart need of the child, even if the behavior doesn’t disappear immediately?

Marriage

Is there ever any time divorce is allowed? 

What would I have to do to make you divorce me?

Do you respect women who do not leave their husbands when abuse is occurring?

Do you respect men who abuse their wives?

What do you think a wife is?

What do you think a husband is?

How do you define marriage?

Would you go to marriage counseling if I asked you to, and would you participate willingly?

Two things I expect my spouse never to do are:

Two things I always expect my spouse to do are: