The Magical Wallet

Dear Child Who Will Remain Unnamed,

In response to your constant comments about how “busy” you are, I would like for you for one moment to picture this scenario:

Let’s pretend S wakes up every morning and has $16 in his wallet that magically appears as he sleeps.  It’s a wonderful thing, having $16 appear while he sleeps.  However, he has a few caveats about that money.

First, $9 of that money he is required to spend first thing every morning at 8:00 AM on an investment in gold.  Just like that, he pulls out $9, deposits it in a box that will automatically buy him gold, and the wallet now has $7.

Second, at 9:00 every morning, he must give me $1 of his $16.  Call it payment for having such a wonderful mother.  His $16, minus the $7 and $1 is now $6.

At 10:00 AM, a man comes to the door and demands $1.50.  In return, the man will do all of S’s personal hygiene for him and prepare his food and help him eat.  

By 11:00 AM, S has $4.50 with which he can do whatever he pleases.  If he wants to spend $1 to be entertained at the dollar movie theatre, that’s fine.  If he wants to spend $2 to exercise at a fitness club, that’s great.  But he only has $4.50, and once it’s gone, it’s gone.

Now, picture for a moment that S chooses to spend $2 every day on widgets.  He buys purple widgets, green widgets, brown widgets.  He plays with his widgets.  He has his friends over every day and they invent new uses for widgets.  It is widget-mania for S, and it’s all perfectly legal and fine.  After all, it’s his money.

Help me out here…if S one day started to complain about only having $2.50 left to spend on anything else he wants, what would you tell him?  I’m guessing you would tell him a few things in your very eloquent and sophisticatedly sassy way:

1. That maybe he has enough widgets.
2. That maybe he shouldn’t spend so much on widgets.
3. That what else should he expect, when he only has $4.50 to begin with?  Spending almost half of his available spending money on widgets, well, that’s his choice, but it seems like such a disproportionate amount for available funds.

And above all, I really think it would get old fast if night after night, evening after evening, he got really stressed that he only had $2.50 left to buy things with and that somehow we have to give him something else so that he has more money.

You are a very smart, wonderful child.  I’m sure you’ve figured out that in this story the dollars represent the time you are given by God every morning when you awaken.  The nine dollars represent work hours, the one dollar given to me represents the total of one hour spent on responsibilities around the house, and the $1.50 represents the hour and a half that has to be spent on personal hygiene, eating, and basic living.   

The two dollars?  Well, my dear, you know what that represents.  You have every right to spend your time doing that.  But when 8:30 rolls around every night and we are treated to yet another litany of how “busy” you are and how this is the first time you’ve sat down all day…well, frankly, honey, maybe you have enough widgets, maybe you shouldn’t spend so much on widgets, and what else should you expect, when you only have 4-1/2 hours of free time every day to begin with?  

Love, 

Checklist: Closing Up Your House

Dear TEAMS,

I don't know if you remember all the trips we took with you.  Annually, we would go to visit my parents and we tried to throw in going to the shore once or twice.  I remember Washington, DC, and overnights to friends.

What you might not remember is how we "closed up" the house right before leaving.  I found over time that there were several things that were especially helpful to ensure safety of our home and belongings while we were gone and made things easier and more welcoming on our return.

Love, 

1. Make sure house care paper and key has been delegated
2. Clean up any messages off the phone
3. Change message or rings, if desired
4. Unplug computer(s) and entertainment center
5. Lock garage
6. Lock mudroom
7. Lock catwalk doors
8. Move sliding locks down on basement windows
9. Bleach utility room sink and put a little splash in the washer
10. Bleach all drains, sinks, shower and toilet
11. Shut doors upstairs
12. Check windows and lock
13. Set thermostat to 65/80 degrees
14. Lock front door
15. Make sure there are no wets in laundry or basket.  If so, lay out flat on utility room floor to dry
16. Take out garbage
17. Clean out fridge
18. Set light on timer
19. Spray fabric freshener on upholstery as needed

Checklist: The Last “To Do” List You’ll Ever Need

Dear TEAMS,

I am a list maker.  You know it from living with me; hence the “thought holding” board in the kitchen, the perpetual grocery and Kmart lists on the fridge, and the 8-1/2” x 11” papers before a big event.  Judging from the papers in your grandma’s belongings, I got this from her.  I’m so good at making lists that it is my default switch when I wake up.  Before I even open my eyes, I am mentally saying, “Okay, devotions, then morning routine.  What will I have for breakfast?”  And so on.  It’s that engrained in me.

 

I am thankful I am gifted with administration.  I really think it’s fun to organize things, and I feel that taking something and making order out of it is a creative, fulfilling act.  In fact, I would I would almost equate it to a fun game.  I am making something new or improving on something existing.  It’s fun for me, when I’m not overwhelmed.

But there’s the rub, isn’t it?  As with all gifts that come from God, when it is used as part of my identity, or focused on more than on the Creator who gave it, it can and will become a Master to be served rather than a tool to help me achieve my destiny.  I do feel that my list of things to do in my day can master me.  When I wake up and know what is before me before even opening my eyes, I am tempted to go to boredom and despair, because there is nothing that requires repeated acts done in a consist manner so much as homeschooling children and running a home.

So our faithful, kind, compassionate Father—knowing my predilection for taking the lazy way out and walking like a robot through my day, answering to “The List”—confronted me about this in January.  Mind you, it was the same song, umpteenth verse He’s been trying to teach me since I gave my life to Him to have.  But in January, I listened a little better.

I had just finished doing my devotional time and was refining my list.  In the middle of my thoughts, He interrupted me.  As succinctly and lovingly as possible, He said, Actually, Carolyn, there is only one thing on your list for today.  You just have to trust Me.

As usual, I responded in quiet devotion with, “Yes, my Lord and Savior.  Of course I will trust you.” 

{        } Giving you enough time to recover from your laughter.  Okay, now that I’ve brightened your day…

No, what I started with was questioning.  “But Lord,” I said, “if all l I do is trust you, how will the practical parts of my day get done?”

You have to trust Me with that.

“No, I mean I get that, Lord.  What I mean is life is about practical stuff.  I can’t just say, ‘I’m not planning anything today with your school because I’m trusting God to show me.’”

Yeah, you have to trust Me with that, too.

“No, I don’t think you’re getting my point, God.  It’s that I have kids to raise, food to cook, education to happen, calls to make with the business…”

Technically, my dear, I don’t think you are getting what I am saying.  Especially since I know everything and you do not.  Just trust.  That’s it.  No clarification needed, because that would kinda discount the whole concept I am trying to teach you.

That day, I got up with one thing on my “To Do” list:  1)  Trust.  When I found myself, 30-seconds later, composing a list out of habit, I said, “No, I just have to trust.”  After breakfast when I was figuring out what sequence of events would happen in our morning meeting, I said, “No, I just have to trust.”  

It became a mantra for that day, and the next, and the next.  I had no peace in saying it and doing it, just faith that God was leading me into green pastures.  And little by little, I am finding the tyranny of my lists subsiding and the glorious freedom of it as a tool being rediscovered.  I am more present in my moments, catching the little surprises God has for me in every day that I glossed over before.  I am seeing that {GASP!} everything that needs to get done is getting done, and in fact even more.  I am positive that many things that have gotten done in the last 3 months would never have made the cut for my list.  But they were important and were on God’s agenda.  Because I am trusting Him, I get to see them accomplished.

In fact, when all this happened with JS’ murder and so lots of things had to be put on the back burner just so we could process our emotions, I had a tiny epiphany.  It was such a relief when the voices inside my head were yelling at me about lost momentum with the business, and not finishing the school year early, and how can we help the family, and how can I make sure you were being taken care of to stop them with a simple, “All I have to do is trust.”

I don’t know at what point in your life God will lead you to this post.  I believe it will be at a point where He’s trying to teach you about deepening your concept of Trust.  It is a subject that I am aspiring to model to you all.  I hope I will be a great practical example for you at that point.

Love, Your recovering,  list-making,

Checklist: You Know When You’re an Adult When…

Dear TEAMS,

This morning I woke up to crying.  E was downstairs, stomping around.  A few minutes later, I heard the Camry back up the driveway and she was gone.

Your father came up the stairs and I asked him what was up.  He told me that E was very tired and getting sick and she didn’t know what to do since she had to go to work, and she was mad at your father for (very wisely) not telling her to stay home.

Ah, the joys of adulthood!  When all of a sudden you realize that you are responsible for the big and little decisions of your life, and you are responsible for the consequences of the decisions no matter what.

Somewhere along the way, your father and I, without our knowledge or fanfare or celebration, became adults.  It wasn’t when we turned 18 or 21, it wasn’t when we went to college or got married.  It wasn’t even when we had kids.  These were all moments that contributed to our growing up, but not the actual turning point.  But, it happened nonetheless, and I’m glad of it.

Instead of talking about what the definition of an adult is, I thought it might be better to give you a few litmus tests you can compare yourself to know whether or not you qualify.  Beeteedubs (as M likes to say):  Just as you can’t know all the thrills and benefits of becoming a member to an exclusive club but you just join in faith it will be enjoyable, you can’t know how fulfilling all the benefits are to being an adult until you become one.  Your choice.

You Know You Are an Adult When:

1. (And this one I read once from someone wiser than myself) you do the right things even when no one is looking.
2. You are ready to accept consequences for your choices, good or bad.
3. You make decisions based more on how other people around you will be affected rather than how you will be impacted.
4. Sex, entertainment, or any pleasurable activity is not so you can be gratified but rather relationship-building with your spouse (sex) or friends and family.
5. You practice good hygiene and wellness practices for the purposes of taking care of your body to invest in the future and nothing else.
6. Having children is about them and not what you’ll get out of it.
7. You spend most of your days working and your free time in each day is spent on activities that are “others” centered.
8. You get enough sleep.
9. You understand that being wrong actually has nothing to do with anything.
10. You understand that humility is not the absence of pride, it is understanding who you are in relationship to who God is.
11. You have the capacity to earn and save enough money to support yourself and any dependents and that fact is extremely satisfying and desirable to you.
12. You value “old people.”
13. You realize that giving your opinion is less helpful all the time than saying “I care.”
14. How you feel is less relevant to you than what is right.
15. You are fairly certain that at any given moment, you “feel” things more purely and acutely than most people around you who are more expressive about their emotions, and yet you still have the capacity to care for what is troubling them and help them.

Love, 

Things I Appreciate About Your Father

Dear TEAMS,

There are any number of women who will and can list what is wrong with their husbands.  I was one of them early in your Daddy’s and my marriage, although I tried to temper it by telling only my closest friends and also making sure to list an equal amount of compliments to be a “good Christian.”  I have since realized a couple of striking truths about women like me:

1. It reflects more on me and my character than it does on my husband.  What does it say about me that I treat my girlfriends (whom I wouldn’t ever jump to find the bad things about) better than the man who has voluntarily and willingly pledged his whole life to support emotionally, spiritually, and physically?
2. “Bonding” over venting about husbands doesn’t occur; rather, it gives ammunition.
3. It is not logical or rational, in that it doesn’t solve the problems or deficits (if they exist) in his character.  Think about it:  if your spouse came up to you and complained about something you did, or if your best friend came up to you and started to complain to you about things you promise to do and don’t, how would you react?
4. When I complained, I was looking for validation for being upset about something, not to get an answer to my problem.  Being validated by another person is fine, but ultimately our validation has to be coming from our Utmost Relationship with God.  Only He can simultaneously make us feel thrilled to be alive and convicted we are doing something wrong.

So, once I got a better understanding of what it means to be an excellent wife, I started requiring myself to make a list of things I truly appreciate about your father.  None of this shallow, “he’s a nice guy,” either.  When I find myself throwing a pity party for how he done me wrong (or its 2 AM and I suddenly realize he’s to blame for everything bad in my life, including the things that existed before I met him), I stop myself and make myself name 10 things that are 100% positive and true about your Dad.  Sometimes, to assuage my selfish pride, I will even start out with, “It was totally wrong for him to x, but there is also the truth that y.  Of course, at the end of the list I realize that I really am married to a spectacular human being and laugh at myself for being so stubborn that I just HAD to be right at the beginning of the list.

The great thing is, I don’t have to memorize a list.  He’s always doing new things that are wonderful and noteworthy.  Here are a few things that I really appreciate about your daddy on April 10, 2012...not that I needed to or anything...:

• The way he says “beef-a-huddled” to mean all screwed up and out of whack.
• The way he says, “Sure it is, because I just said it,” when I tell him that beef-a-huddled is not a word.
• The way he goes to M’s track meets and S’s baseball games, even though he has to work in the evenings to catch up on his day.
• He is willing to change.  I know he doesn’t like to hear what my observations are sometimes, but after 24 hours to digest what I say, he tries to improve on areas I point out.
• He’s highly administrative and able to multitask.  Many men aren’t, which would really be a challenge for me!
• He gets up, day after day, week after week, year after year, and goes to work at a job that isn’t always fun or fulfilling to make sure we have everything we need.
• He gets a wee bit teary-eyed when he listens to Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle or Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman.
• That he loves his children more than life itself.
• That he thinks I’m sexy, even when I’m sicker than a dog.
• That his definition of “clean” is just a little bit easier than mine, therefore on my messy days he’s great, and on my clean days he extra thankful.
• That he learned to eat broccoli because it was important to me.  (And as an aside, I learned to put cheese on it to help.)
• That he’s very knowledgeable about home repair and has done amazing things to improve our home.
• He asks if there’s a Phillies game on as code for “I want to take a nap, but I feel guilty for taking a nap.”
• He goes out and buys me ice cream or malted milk robin’s eggs when I have a craving for them.
• He does the weekly shopping on Saturdays, the worst day of the week to go to the store.

Love,

Checklist: How to Make a Cold Go Away

Dear TEAMS,

I am sure that once you are out on your own, you will encounter the day when you feel that pesky cold coming on and you absolutely cannot, no-way, no-how, get sick.  Well, since you are finally at an age where you think I might have the answer to this problem, I will tell you.

This comes with a caveat:  you are playing with a one celled organism who is intent on being victorious.  While you are healthy enough that you will win, how effective these methods are will be solely based on the condition of your immune system at the point the wee beastie gets in.  Obviously, if your immune system is weak enough to be succumbing to him that you have some symptoms, you need to take that into account for how fast what I suggest works.  However, what follows has worked very well for me in the past.

1. Immediately, take a Vitali-C with Body Balance.  The Vitamin C, Zinc, and Pycogenol will work together right away to fortify your immune system.
2. Take 4 droppersful Colloidal Silver, 10 ppm.  This will go to work on the invading army.
3. Gargle with 1 T. salt dissolved in 20 ounces very warm water.  Make each gargle last at least 5 seconds.
4. Take a shower, as hot as you can stand it.  This will remove more foreign invaders that would love to get in since your immune defenses are down. 
5. If you are able, immediately after the shower soak for 45 minutes in an Herbal Body Wrap tub.  If you don’t have HBW handy, use Epsom Salts, which pale in comparison for effectiveness.  While you are in the tub, sip on 20 ounces of fresh water with a splash of lemon juice.
6. After getting out of the bath, take another 4 droppersful Colloidal Silver.   If you are going to take meds, now is the time to do that.  I suggest 200 mg ibuprofen with antihistamine (if you can deal with the drowsiness, 1-2 mg of chlorpheniramine maleate—split the 4 mg tablet, if the drowsiness will place you or others in danger, loratidine 10 mg) .  I only suggest the meds if symptoms are keeping you from sleeping, or if it is necessary for your appearance or to keep from being more contagious to others.  (Wiping a runny nose gives you more germs than not having to wipe your nose with your hands.)  However, you should take them with another 20 ounces of water with lemon.  I do not suggest any decongestants.  A cup of caffeinated tea or coffee will do the same thing, and you should be feeling fairly decongested now, anyway.

This checklist should take about one hour to complete.  In addition, you need to do the following:

• Watch your urine.  If it appears cloudy, be happy.  It is my understanding that this is dead matter and proof that your white blood cells are fighting infection.
• You should take the Colloidal Silver 3 more times in the rest of time you are awake, in even spacing.
• Gargle with the diluted salt water for 2 more times today, then morning and night tomorrow.
• You should take 1 Vitali-C every 6 hours the first day, and 2 tomorrow.  You do not have to wake up to take this.  Go back to 1 Vitali-C per day after the second day.
• SLEEP!  As soon as you can get to bed, do so.
• Drink water with lemon or herbal tea throughout the day, preferably with no milk.
• Avoid sugary foods and all sugar (even fructose from juices!).  This just causes more inflammation. 
• For the sake of others, do not touch public things or place a barrier between public things and your hands.  For instance, if you are pouring coffee from an office carafe, grab the handle with a paper towel.  Also, wash your hands as much as possible, but use the Colloidal Silver Handwash spray if you’re at risk of chapped hands.  Use alcohol-based hand sanitizers only if no handwashing facilities are available and you have to protect yourself in your weakened condition or if you are putting other immune-compromised individuals at risk.

In 24 hours, you should find that your symptoms have dramatically abated.  Keep up the steps above on day 2 and 3, and you should be back to your wonderful selves by day 4!

A note if you have the flu:

I can count on one hand when all 7 of us were down with the flu or a stomach bug, but when it happened it seemed that we were consistently re-catching it by the time it cycled through all of us.  The virus can mutate by the time it’s gone through all of us, so I kept surroundings especially clean to avoid reinfection.  I did NOT do the following except when we were facing something extraordinary like this (see Specific Things to Keep the Immune System Strong).

Here is what I did to minimize further contamination while we were struggling:

• Use paper towels after hand washing.
• Spray the toilets and sinks with a germicide after every use.  I prefer thyme-oil based ones.
• Spray vomit buckets with germicide after every use.  Better yet, use paper bags and throw directly into the outside waste can.
• With a paper towel that has disinfectant sprayed on it, wipe down light switches, doorknobs
• Sleep, sleep, and more sleep!  The more you aren't active, the more your energy can be spent on getting better.
• Open the windows to ventilate the house for 1 hour per day.  Even if it's winter!  Especially if it's winter.  If you have a forced air system, nothing could be better for it than to get some fresh air cycling through the ventilation.

Specific Things to Keep the Immune System Strong:

• Colloidal Silver, 10 ppm, 4 droppersful every day
•  2 droppersful Taheebo tincture, once in the morning, once at night.  I really prefer this over taheebo tea because:   1) it tastes WAY better; 2) it’s not messy; 3) it’s efficient; 4) it’s made from the inner bark, which has the highest concentration of the lapachol.
• Limit sugar intake, including fruit sugars as juice.  Eating a piece of fruit is fine, but I recommend protein with the fruit when possible.  (A few almonds is a great way to do this.)
• Wash your hands after using your computer or the phone.  This doesn’t just fight the germs, it removes the BPA from the plastics that come off in minute particles and can be absorbed in your skin.
• Wipe down your computer keyboard and cell phone once per day.  I use Norwex to avoid chemicals.
• By all means, live a little.  When you drop food on the floor, pretend there really is a magical 3-second rule.  Purposely drink from another family member’s cup.  Kiss your spouse.  Forget to wash your hands before you eat.  Eat ice cream that someone else ate straight from the container.  Just as your muscles need regular challenges, so does your immune system.

Love,

A Balanced Meal Plan that Kills Lots of Birds with One Stone

Dear TEAMS,

This post will make more sense after you reference this document.

As I write this entry, there are 5 of you at home, 2 of you being adults.  Our youngest is 14.  And you have this interesting habit of wanting to eat.  (Well, not all of you, but that is for another day…)

The “Cheap vs. Inexpensive” Bird

I am thankful that your father and I grew up the way we did.  Being children of a farmer/blue collar worker and college professor/homemaker, respectively, meant that food was valued because it was paid for with very hard-earned cash.  Our fathers worked hard to earn the money, our mothers worked hard to make the money last, and the yield showed up at the supper table.  After the divorce of my parents, I ate a lot of WIC peanut butter and generic Velveeta…and not a lot of diverse foods.  The upside to that is that I learned early on what the difference is between food that is “cheap” and food that is “inexpensive.”

For instance, “cheap” food was the generic frozen cream pie for $0.79, or hot dogs, or frozen breaded veal patties.  “Inexpensive” food was dried rice, dried beans, and eggs.  The cheap food had very little nutritive value, although it calmed a growling tummy at least for a little while.  The inexpensive food lasted longer in my tummy, and hindsight and years of education now tells me it was infinitely better for my growing cells.

Our downstairs pantry after an 8-week shopping trip

Unfortunately, sometimes decisions were made based on the number at the bottom of the cash register receipt than what the food actually cost.  For instance, if I ate a slice of frozen custard pie or toasted white bread with margarine, I came back to the kitchen sooner for more food because the simple carb energy of the food was used up faster in my body.  Calorically, I might eat the same amount in one 24 hour period, but I consumed a higher quantity of cheap food than inexpensive food.  This meant supplies were depleted sooner, which meant we had to go back to the grocery store sooner, which meant more money was spent sooner.  Cheap food really wasn’t even saving money.

Fast forward to having 5 young children and trying to make the supper table yield the same as our mothers before us.  Plus, I had completed my Nutritionist certification.  Your father couldn’t understand why I would pay extra to buy frozen pizza with legitimate whole wheat crust or stone ground whole wheat bread instead of simply wheat bread.  The answer was to explain to him the difference between cheap food and inexpensive food…and he came around once I ran the numbers for him.

So over the years, I have compiled a menu of inexpensive foods to feed our family.  It’s fairly basic.  I wish that I could buy organic, and I wish that I could make everything from scratch.  But I cannot do what I do and accomplish those goals as well.

The “Knowing How to Prepare Food” Bird

I have also felt that to be a successful adult, you should probably know how to prepare food yourself, which is why I started you all cooking at least one supper by the time you were age 10 or so.  As of the date of this blog, I have you all cooking one day per week, with S cooking 2 days because he has the most to learn.  It has worked well, and over the years there are now probably 30 different meals you have the knowledge to fix.  You are far beyond your peers with that, and it will serve you well when you are on your own.  You’re welcome.

The “Saving Lots by Buying in Bulk” Bird

One of the benefits of having this menu is that when I buy, I only have to do one big shopping trip every other month.  Saves time.  Since I need so much for 8 weeks, I can buy the bigger boxes/quantities which have a cheaper unit price.  Saves money.   I am only going to the Country Store in Mount Joy  once per 8 weeks.  Saves gasoline.

The “Satisfy the Junk Food Craving” Bird

You will notice the meal plan has some {GASP} processed food on it.  A few months ago, I tallied up how much we were spending at Taco Bell, Wendy’s, and Metro Pizza and realized that we were dropping $80 on cheap food.  I realized we could get some better-than-fast food for much less money than what we were paying and still have the convenience and “break” from cooking.  So, that is why you will see the frozen food and chips.  While I wish that you didn’t want that food, I am realistic that if I give it to you in modified, measured form, you will probably want less of it when you are out on your own.  

The “Use the Leftovers” Bird

Your Grandma Sharon has that wonderful Russian meal “mustgo” everytime we go out there, and I think there is something to be said for using up the one or two servings of one dish while another person uses up another.  Plus, we eat leftovers for lunch, so that works as well.

I have attached this meal plan here.

Love,