Nineteen Years Old and Counting

Dear TEAMS,

We just got back from a lovely vacation to the Poconos.  This year, your father and I decided we’d rather have all of you for a shorter time than vacation for a week without you all there, so we took a long weekend.  Since we would be spending less money (theoretically) than we budgeted, we also brought along A’s wonderful boyfriend and our wonderful neighborhood friend.

We declared a “techonology-free” weekend (meaning no use of cell phones or computer).  It was wonderful to really be able to sit and talk with you all about stuff we don’t usually get to talk about.  One such time was Friday night when we were out at Red Robin and E was sitting with us at our table (because a table for 9 is hard at a restaurant).  She looked at us thoughtfully, and asked, “If you could go back in time and tell your 19-year old self anything, what would you tell you?”

It was a perceptive question.  Daddy, as usual, was quick-thinking and he responded that he would tell himself not to get as stressed about stuff, because it all always works out.  I have to say, I almost simply agreed with him.  However, there was one ironic thing nagging me that I knew I needed to say.

“I would tell myself that there’s a reason the Bible says that Pride goes before a fall, and that I have no idea how prideful I really am, and that some of the worst situations in life I will get into are because of my pride.”  And then I laughed and added, “and the thing is, I was so prideful at 19 that I bet that my 19-year old self actually would think that there was no way I could be right and that I knew better…than my 46-year old self.”

I feel very confident telling you that the depressive episodes I have had had pride as the root.  The cause of the worst relationship failures I have had?  Pride as well.  The fact that I didn’t perform as well as I wished in the important things in life?  The Big P, once again. 

Pride isn’t just thinking you know better than someone else.  Pride isn’t the absence of humility or the opposite of humility.  Pride is simply filtering everything through your own experience, life lessons and worldview and believing that it is the best way, with no possibility that there is a better way to interpret your circumstances.  Naturally, you can imagine what comes next…

My Loves, no one…NO ONE will ever be able to interpret your life better than God, because he sees the full picture.  He’s seen what you’ve done, He knows what you think, and He knows the best way for every decision, judgement, or choice you could ever make.  The person who lays down what (s)he thinks (s)he knows and instead defers to what the Word of God says is the humblest of all people.  And the Word says that He will lift you up.  A better hand up could never be offered.

Love, 

Photo © Dana Rothstein | Dreamstime.com

Financial Responsibilities for Adult Children Living in Our Home

Dear TEAMS,

Three of you are now adults and facing very real facets of the grownup world.  One of those facets is being financially responsible for products you use for your own life.

In a previous post about our expectations for adult children still living with us, we talk about what you get for free by choosing to live under our roof.  The truth is there are actually a lot of financial responsibilities we spare you by living here at home.  For instance, our wonderful central air conditioning is thoroughly enjoyed on hot and humid summer days, and yet we do not ask you to assume any financial responsibility for it.  However, there are certain items we expect you to take financial responsibility for.  We aren’t being big, fat meanies.  We are trying to ease you into the cold realities of life.  We would be handicapping you if we didn’t give you the opportunity to budget for your very real needs.

The good news is that there have already been times in your teen years you got a taste of this.  For example, we bought shampoo and conditioner for you to use, and it tended to be inexpensive brands.  However, if you desired to have a different shampoo you felt was better for your hair or smelled better, you were required to spend your own money on that and had the right to mark it as your own private stash.  Further, when you began to drive, we created a monthly amount you owed us to defray expenses for gas and insurance.

Also, we started at age 6 talking with you about the value of saving.  Generally, our formula for birthday cash was to require you to calculate and pay your tithe first, allow you to keep 10-30% (depending on your age and also how much you had received) in your wallet, and the rest went into savings.  Once you got a job, it was always reminding you to pay your tithe, suggesting you keep $20 in your wallet for spending money, and the rest going into savings.  If the cash was gone before the next paycheck, we talked with you about how you might have spent your money differently to still have a little left over.  Because we started this early, the 3 of you who have made the 18 year old milestone have started out with a nice little savings account.

And about your tithe:  someone wiser than me once phrased it as, “God gives us 90% of everything we earn.  He only wants 10% back.  That’s such a bargain for what we get—90% to spend and the blessings from tithing.”

Items We Expect You to Pay For, Post 17:

• All personal hygiene items:  shampoo, conditioner, body soap, underarm deodorant or its substitute, toothbrush/toothpaste, mouth rinses, dental floss, facial soap, acne medication, feminine hygiene, comb/brush, hair accessories, hair products, makeup, hair dryers, curling irons, straighteners, etc.
• All supplies needed for your personal communication:  cell phone and plan, stationery, postage, pens, pencils, cards, etc.
• Any items for decoration of your personal space, including bulletin boards, decoration, etc.  Items that will go on our furniture or in our rooms you are using will be bought by us, and you will probably have input into that.
• All clothing and shoes
• All accessories such as purses, belts, wallets, jewelry
• Any fees for any school, sports, or clubs you are involved in
• College tuition and textbooks
• Entertainment:  going to the movies, movie rentals, going out to eat (unless we are going as a family—that is our gift to you), tickets to events, DVDs, CDs, iTunes downloads, etc.
• Gasoline and insurance private monthly payment to us continues
• Any food that is not purchased as part of our family grocery plan.  This is kept in our cabinets in order to keep insects or rodents out of other areas of the house, but you must mark it with your name.
• Your own car, once you are gainfully employed in a full time job.
• Laundry detergent and fabric softener, if you do not wish to use ours.  Fabric softener may only be used in our washer for sheets, not clothing.  (It is very hard on the machine and not really good for you in any way except olfactory delight!)
• If you commit to provide a meal or food item for a party or individual, you are responsible for shopping for, preparing, and paying for that meal or item
• Supplies for your hobbies or interests
• Gifts you give to other people
• Personal electronics such as cameras, iPods, etc.

Love, 

Checklist: You Know When You’re an Adult When…

Dear TEAMS,

This morning I woke up to crying.  E was downstairs, stomping around.  A few minutes later, I heard the Camry back up the driveway and she was gone.

Your father came up the stairs and I asked him what was up.  He told me that E was very tired and getting sick and she didn’t know what to do since she had to go to work, and she was mad at your father for (very wisely) not telling her to stay home.

Ah, the joys of adulthood!  When all of a sudden you realize that you are responsible for the big and little decisions of your life, and you are responsible for the consequences of the decisions no matter what.

Somewhere along the way, your father and I, without our knowledge or fanfare or celebration, became adults.  It wasn’t when we turned 18 or 21, it wasn’t when we went to college or got married.  It wasn’t even when we had kids.  These were all moments that contributed to our growing up, but not the actual turning point.  But, it happened nonetheless, and I’m glad of it.

Instead of talking about what the definition of an adult is, I thought it might be better to give you a few litmus tests you can compare yourself to know whether or not you qualify.  Beeteedubs (as M likes to say):  Just as you can’t know all the thrills and benefits of becoming a member to an exclusive club but you just join in faith it will be enjoyable, you can’t know how fulfilling all the benefits are to being an adult until you become one.  Your choice.

You Know You Are an Adult When:

1. (And this one I read once from someone wiser than myself) you do the right things even when no one is looking.
2. You are ready to accept consequences for your choices, good or bad.
3. You make decisions based more on how other people around you will be affected rather than how you will be impacted.
4. Sex, entertainment, or any pleasurable activity is not so you can be gratified but rather relationship-building with your spouse (sex) or friends and family.
5. You practice good hygiene and wellness practices for the purposes of taking care of your body to invest in the future and nothing else.
6. Having children is about them and not what you’ll get out of it.
7. You spend most of your days working and your free time in each day is spent on activities that are “others” centered.
8. You get enough sleep.
9. You understand that being wrong actually has nothing to do with anything.
10. You understand that humility is not the absence of pride, it is understanding who you are in relationship to who God is.
11. You have the capacity to earn and save enough money to support yourself and any dependents and that fact is extremely satisfying and desirable to you.
12. You value “old people.”
13. You realize that giving your opinion is less helpful all the time than saying “I care.”
14. How you feel is less relevant to you than what is right.
15. You are fairly certain that at any given moment, you “feel” things more purely and acutely than most people around you who are more expressive about their emotions, and yet you still have the capacity to care for what is troubling them and help them.

Love,