Mom’s Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well) - I

Dear TEAMS,

I guess it’s that time.  Without any warning or sign, you all are growing up and venturing into relationships with significant others.  It is what we have prepared for as parents personally (as we have to let you go), and what we have prayed for you, what we have wished for, and what we have equipped you for all your lives.

And it’s here.  Just like that.  In 5 days, Daddy will put A’s hand on his arm, walk her 45 feet down an aisle, and declare we are releasing her for the rest of her life into the arms of a fine young man with our blessing.  Even as I type, my eyes are tearing up.  As I have often said to you about situations like these in life, “I am happy for her, and sad for me…but the happy outweighs the sad.”

You have seen in previous posts things about dating and things about your romantic relationships.  After having many long, fruitful discussions with E about her own pursuits, I thought it was time to write down some of what I have said.  So, I’m calling this series of posts, Mom’s Official Guide to Choosing a Mate (or, Proof that Mom Bursts Bubbles Well).

Before I begin, I want to clarify that I am not perfect, and your father is not perfect, and Daddy and I don’t have a perfect marriage.  We have our own problems and continue to work on them.  But, we are committed for life to each other.  That’s the purpose of a wedding, despite what Bridezilla and Disney™ and American culture portrays.  And, given that about half of the population has faced some of the problems we have had in our marriage and decided to end their relationship over those   I say this with deep respect for those who decided to end their marriages, because the pain and betrayal and overwhelming confusion was tangible.  I validate their very real pain.  And some of them had Biblical authority to end their relationships, which is a topic for another time.  

A's Wedding Dress, awaiting the big day!

problems, I believe I have some authority in this area simply because I chose to stay and continue to choose to stay.

But, I just want you to understand that when you are wishing us well on our 70^th anniversary, it was not some random accident or that we were “highly compatible” or that we're just really nice people that we ended up that way.  It was because we chose to stay, pure and simple.  We chose the institution of marriage over ourselves, which was hard when injustice at the hand of the other was occurring and we had no guarantee—save our faith that God wanted the best for us in life and for our marriage—that it wouldn’t remain as draining as it was.  I have counseled women who have left their husbands because that man didn’t pay attention to their needs (which is tragic and unBiblical) and have yet to hear a good answer when I ask them, If you didn’t mean what you said on your wedding day, why didn’t you just live together?  Because the answer to that negates the reason they choose divorce over staying and making it work.

I caution you that what you are about to read is going to sound as about “unfun” as it gets.  The temptation will be to attribute what I am saying to some Puritan or ascetic viewpoint on marriage.  I am not saying anything of the sort.  Any one of the three circles I will mention provides so much life, satisfaction, and enjoyment, it is hard to limit them by mere words.  My purpose is to provide some practical advice to you as you approach a lifelong relationship.  I will use text from this series in the near future in my letters to you, I am sure.

So, here is my version of Marriage 101.  Move over, Cinderella, because your fairy godmother needed to give you more than a dress...

Love,

Words to a Wife in a Troubled Marriage: Part II

Dear TEAMS,

Here is the second part to the letter I wrote to our dear friend who is having a hard time in her marriage right now. You can see the first part here.

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2)  Being submissive has noting to do with laziness or giving up.  Submission is willfully laying down what you deserve or expect or want in order that the greater good might be accomplished. It is an extremely active response, and it is birthed in your heart. Submission that doesn’t have the heart attitude of “I love this person and because it is important to this person that I do this, I will” backing it will backfire and cause the user a whole lot of pain and damage. If I do not actively do the work to make sure my heart is right, I am merely being legalistic and reinforcing the bars on the prison I feel trapped in. 

I am the one in control when I actively think through and lay down my rights because it is important to [my husband].  One example of this in our marriage has to do with Puffs vs. store brand facial tissue.  [My husband] really, really wanted me to buy Puffs when he had a cold.  I couldn’t justify spending that much money on something that held snot and was thrown away, especially when he would get on me about how much I spent.  When I really started understanding the concept of true submission, I laid down my right to have cheap tissue, even though it was extraordinarily expensive to buy the Puffs brand.  I didn’t just “shut up and buy the tissue and be silent about how much it annoyed me,” nor did I play the nobly wronged person saying, “That’s fine…I’m above all this, so if it’s important then I will do it” martyr act.   I actually realized that by spending my household expenses on Puffs, I was honoring God because I was laying down my selfish desires (which were rooted in trying to controlling money, anyway!).  I would not have had that realization had I not been willing to do it God’s way.  God would provide the finances taken from my spending on the Puffs.  Just writing this, I realize it’s such a silly thing that I ever spent my emotional energy on.

Again, though, I want to really focus on where the heart is with this action.  If your heart isn’t really doing the hard work of “Boy-I’d-really-rather-not-be-[doing x, y or z]-but-I-want-to-honor-God-and-He-sees-this-sucks-and-I-trust-Him-to-take-care-of-me” each and every time you submit to something [husband] wants, it’s just legalism.  If your heart isn’t sincere when you say, “Wow-I-can’t-believe-he-just-[talked to me that way/treated the children that way]-but-God-tell-me-how-I-can-show-him-your-love-right-now” and you give a gentle response in word only without your heart, it will not do the transforming work that will change the situation in the future. 

3) Being a wife and mother is extraordinarily hard work, but “escaping” is no longer possible. I’m not talking about the logistical stuff of actually getting a divorce. I know your heart is to trust God’s word with that. I’m talking about what gets you up in the morning. We live in a world where marriage is seen as an antiquated concept and women staying at home is seen as being equivalent to them being lazy. I didn’t realize how much that seeped into my daily thinking, even though way deep down I knew that was not true. I know things are really hard for you right now, and that your present situation consumes your thoughts. But I got to the point where I wondered at what if instead of feeling I was stuck, I instead put my heart into my work with a renewed passion to be an even more terrific wife and even more wonderful mother than what I was. I realized this was my present lot in life and would be for a while until the Holy Spirit really got ahold of [my husband]. I didn’t surrender; I accepted. I realized I put a lot into my job when I worked outside of the home, but didn’t approach this the same way. So, I started to do that. I actually got up every morning at 6:30 and curled my hair and everything, just as I did years before.  It helped me find more pride in my work, and knowing I was performing for my First Husband (Who loved what I did!) really gave me a boost.

So many women feel this is subjugating themselves, when it is the most empowering position to be in. We actually, with our words and deeds as a fruit from a pure heart, have the capacity to literally change a person’s reactions and position before God. Because make no mistake, that is exactly what happens when sinners such as our husband sin against us and are greeted with pure, loving grace and kindness. Or when our children disrespectfully relate to us, or even rebel against us. My children and husband are better off today because of every time I was wounded because of something they said or did and I asked my First Husband to help, actively laid down my desires from a loving heart, and took my job seriously.

I owe you and apology and a huge THANK YOU. When we first came, you said that you don’t see [my husband] act the way [husband] does, and I said you were wrong. Then I said it was cyclical, but less. However, on real reflection I realized I am really wrong and have misrepresented my husband completely now. What I should have said was, “Yes, he used to be [husband], but now he is changed.” His awful times are few and far between, and I now can speak with him privately and let him have a day to lick his wounds and he turns around. THAT is because of the choice I made to realize the 3 things I talked about above. God did that through me! I thought he had to change, and what I didn’t realize is that I needed to change and that would initiate change in him (the Bible repeatedly talks about this). It has taken years, but I will say that I am very much a different person than the woman who felt so dead and lost and hopeless that stabbing myself with a knife just so I could feel something—anything—seemed enormously appealing to me. So, please forgive me for being so self-pitying that I would completely miss how much my husband has improved, and thank you for presenting me with that opportunity to see that.

I see this is page 4 of 4. Thanks, too, for reading this all the way through. Again, I really care that you are so miserable. I hope this letter will lead you to greater discoveries about yourself that will transform your whole family. Even if it doesn’t, you will find tremendous freedom and coping for your present situation by these things. Never, ever feel like you can’t call or write.

Love,

[Me]


Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.” ~Maria Portokalos, My Big Fat Greek Wedding


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Love,

Words to a Wife in a Troubled Marriage: Part I

Dear TEAMS,

I recently sent a letter to a dear friend who is enduring some big unpleasantness in her marriage.  While I hope you are never in the situation that she is, I wanted you to have a record of this letter, with changes made to protect everyone involved (and for clarification).  While it is written from a wife to a wife, I know my boys are smart enough to make the conversion, because frankly, it's not really too different for you.  I will continue it in the next blog post.

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Dear [name withheld],

I have been composing this letter for a while now, since our return from visiting you.  It deals with what you shared with me on the way home from church on the Saturday we were together.  I hope I am able to convey the concern and love I have for you in it, and the sadness I have for your present situation as well as hope for your changed future.

I do not know if you remember several years back that I went through a depression.  I chose to seek help because I was chopping vegetables with A and all of a sudden felt an overwhelming urge to take the large Cutco knife I was using and stab myself repeatedly in my arm.  It was like I had to stab myself in my arm, the urge was so great.  The only thing that kept me from doing it was my love and concern for A…I knew it would traumatize her terribly and I loved her so much I couldn’t do that to her.  

Since that time, I have learned a lot about myself and the mechanisms that caused that episode.  I have also learned a lot about what the Bible has to say about the situation I was in.  Looking back, the circumstances surrounding where I was in my life right then involved many of the things you are facing with your husband.  I felt like a prisoner in my own home and in my own life and in my own body because of what I was enduring verbally from [my husband] and the kids and verbally from Satan in my brain, as well as the lies I was telling myself.

I want you to know that I am deeply moved at your situation.  It is a very hard thing to feel trapped and hopeless and being told repeatedly what you are doing wrong that makes someone’s life miserable (even if that’s not true).  I was so pleased to hear that you want to do the right thing and stay married.  Truly, I think half your battle is done when you have resolved to do it God’s way, even though it seems that you will not be able to bear up under the demands of Scripture for your particular situation.

I wish to validate for you that [husband] should not treat you and the children the way he does sometimes.  From our brief stay there, I was struck by how many times you had nothing to do with his misery and he brought you into it.  That is not how God intended life to be for you—or any other woman—as a wife.  Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and there are no exclusions for personal stress included in Bible.  Christ experienced the same sorts of feeling unappreciated, feeling overwhelmed by responsibility, feeling unimportant, wondering at the meaning of life as husbands do.  However, Father commands them to do as Christ did when He had those feelings, in spite of those feelings.  Christ still gave Himself up and laid down what He was feeling for the greater good.  As I get older, I realize that the reason the stuff that is in the Bible is there not because it is easy to do, but because God knew how hard life is and we would not naturally do the stuff He asks us to that He sees is in our best interest.  

With this validation, though, are some caveats:  1) I watched [husband] in other times when he was acting “normal” and I truly believe his heart is for you and the children.  I did not sense that he does not love you or the children.  He makes some consistent really bad choices to deal with his own misery that doesn’t convey that, but I will tell you that in the end, his heart has not changed for you.  That encourages me that there is hope for you and the marriage and the happily ever after.  [Husband] is going to have to come to terms with his misery someday, and it will be a tough pill to swallow that the answer doesn’t have much to do with you and the kids.  2)  You need to accept that there are some attitudes and behaviors you are doing that are making your own misery.  No one is ever 100% to blame.  I hope you will see my heart in this and that is why I am being frank with you.  I truly believe from my own experience that you will find your way through this and be stronger and better equipped to handle the circumstances you are in.  But some of that starts with accepting that you need to change some things.

I am thrilled you are in counseling, and I thought that was great that she said you needed to get built back up before you work on your marriage.  I really think that will help, because I wasn’t sure why you were taking some of the stuff you were in the way you were.

The biggest thing I wanted to share with you was some things that God led me to in my own study during that really dark time as I tried to work my way out of where I was.  I was so frustrated with my in-network counselor because he was just a “sit and listen and say hmmmm” guy who didn’t believe the Bible.  However, I needed the drugs, so I would go for my appointments!  The upside is that all I had was my Bible.  I realized that God wanted to tell me things that only He can, and every new Truth I learned or relearned I realized was another key to my wellness.  Every person is different and I know some of these things might not be exactly what you are expecting, but I just ask that you ask God if this is Him trying to help you.

1. Your husband is not [name of husband], it is God.  Even the Bible says so in Isaiah 54:5-6, “For your Maker is your husband—
      the LORD Almighty is his name—
   the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
      he is called the God of all the earth.
   The LORD will call you back
      as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
   
   
   (And you are a wife deserted and distressed in spirit!!)  Think about what that really means and translate that into “husband”…God is your best friend, God is the person that you should be able to run to when you want to tell something funny that just happened to you, God is the father of your children, God is the person that is supposed to hold you when you are upset, God is your provider, God is the one who tells you when you look fantastic in that dress, God is the one who is supposed to be a reliable counsel, and on and on.  
   
   
   I didn’t have a problem understanding that God was my husband when I was single and wanted to be married, but I had forgotten the significance of that concept once I had a human husband.  And I was really convicted about all the stuff I was thinking [my husband] should provide for me, when the Bible right there in Isaiah was saying that God is my first husband.  He wants to be my best friend, my most intimate friend and lover, my “go to” guy.  And I wasn’t letting Him be the very thing He wants to be for me.  And there is not a more faithful, attentive, kind, compassionate, selfless Husband in the world.  I really wasn’t being a very good wife to God, because I wasn’t even giving him any time in my day to talk to Him and let Him talk to me, nor was I finding out what was on His heart for my life and for the world in His Word.
   
   
   When I started treating God as my husband, I realized that I stopped expecting so much from [my husband].  Whether he was fulfilling the Biblical mandate for what husbands should do was no longer an issue for me, because God Himself was fulfilling the needs I thought [my husband] was supposed to fill.  I also started seeing [my husband] for what he is:  just another human being on the planet who feels the same things I do and faces the same fears and frustrations I do.  It gave me compassion for him and for what was driving him to say the things he would say or his short fuse or his unfair treatment or passive-aggressive actions or sarcasm.
   
   
   
   
   (Click here to go to the next blog entry)
   
   
   Love,