Sometimes, You Just Gotta Send the Email...

Dear TEAMS,

For posterity, here is the email I sent to all of you yesterday:

My dear family, apple of my eye and object of my undying devotion,

First, my apologies to those who are not guilty/who unintentionally do this once and awhile (and we all do).

Second, I am now at the point where I feel my grace is being cheapened concerning the kitchen and dirty dishes.  In the economy of right and wrong, every time you do not clean up after yourselves, you are wrong.  Period.  The rule in this house is that if you make something dirty, you clean it up.  This is not news to any of you.  However, I still continue to find dishes in the sink, on the counter, left out on the table, and left in the big room.  At no time are there to be dirty dishes left out, waiting to be put in the dishwasher.  Do you "just forget"?  Too bad.  Do you think you'll get to it later when it's your turn?  Tough.  Tie a string around your finger to remind you, set the timer on the stove to remind you, tape a post-it to your forehead to remember...but this is YOUR responsibility to do and to remember.  It is the rule of the house that has been in effect since 2008 and nothing has changed. 

Third, if you don't have a clear/dirty dishwasher to put your dishes in, then it is your responsibility to empty one to make room for it.  Don't have time?  Wanted to watch YouTube instead? Wanted to respond to a text?  In the middle of a movie?  Don't want to?  Have you worked 10 hours already today?  Tough.  It is the rule of the house that has been in effect since 2008 and nothing has changed. 

Fourth, if you dirty up/get out a pan/utensil/appliance/whatever to fix your meal, you are responsible to clean it up immediately after enjoying your meal.  It is the rule of the house that has been in effect since 2008 and nothing has changed. 

Fifth, if you dirty a counter, including leaving crumbs, in the preparation of your meal, you are responsible to clean it up immediately after enjoying your meal.  It is the rule of the house that has been in effect since 2008 and nothing has changed. 

Sixth:  NEW RULE...if you use the collapsible water bottles or drinking thermoses, you must clean them out immediately after getting home.  No more leaving them on the counter.  You may invert them and put them next to the breadmaker to dry.  Just worked 18 hours in a blinding snowstorm?  Oh well.  Guess that warm water will feel good on your hands.  So tired you have to be hospitalized?  I'll take you as soon as you've washed it out.

What you are ultimately communicating when you don't clean up after yourself is that you/your schedule/your obligations/your whatever is more important than anyone else's, or at least more important than the person's who ends up cleaning up after you.  If you truly feel that way about your father or me (who daily run at least one or two dish loads and empty one or two dish loads--EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT OUR JOB), then we need to have a talk about your responsibilities to this family while you live in this benevolent dictatorship.  Everything in this life has a cost, and if you like living here, this is one of them.

I would like to give everyone ONE MORE CHANCE to take this thing that is very important to me seriously.  I think you know me enough by now to know I am full of grace, compassion, and understanding and am not requiring military obedience to the rules of the house.  But I'm done.  This is it...your last chance in this area.

Effective immediately, you are to follow these rules of the kitchen all the time.  However, I will grant everyone about 4 days to get into the habit of cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen because you might need some time.  During that time, if I find dirty dishes, I will call out the person who forgot and you must immediately clean up your area/dishes, and truly, there will be hell to pay if you don't simply answer "ok" and start moving in that direction.  If the infractions continue after that time, I hereby reserve the right at any time in the future to:

• require you to buy your own dishes, silverware, pots and pans and if you don't clean them, put them in your room so they can junk up YOUR space instead;
  
• make you buy paper plates and cups that you keep in your room and use them and throw them out.
• set aside all offending dishes with your name on them to clean up by hand, meaning with hot water and dish soap;
  
• anything else that is completely ridiculous I have to even suggest (like the above) that I want to do to make you understand this is simply unacceptable.

And let me make one final thing clear:  NOT ONE OF YOU has the right to say that I've "had a meltdown," "gone off the deep end," "went ballistic," or any other phrasing about this.  I have been nothing but kind, accepting, sweet, gentle, and loving about this.  In fact, I am taking this all in stride and will forget about this once I stand up from this computer.  IF YOU ARE TEMPTED TO SAY THIS about me, you are passing the blame instead of accepting responsibility for your wrongdoing.  I am completely absolved of any judgement in this situation, and you know it.

And D, just putting this out there, you being sarcastic or teasing me about my "analness" in cleaning up, calling me S, stating that it's not safe to be holding onto a dirty dish in the kitchen will not benefit our relationship, and in fact, will have fairly serious consequences.  Like, I will start teasing you in front of any one I choose about the stuff that's important to you that you have every right to expect from your family.  Seriously.  You do not want to go there with me.

And, in case I haven't made myself perfectly clear:  Our kitchen is to--at all times--be cleaned up and everyone who lives here is responsible to see that it remains so.

Love,

Financial Responsibilities for Adult Children Living in Our Home

Dear TEAMS,

Three of you are now adults and facing very real facets of the grownup world.  One of those facets is being financially responsible for products you use for your own life.

In a previous post about our expectations for adult children still living with us, we talk about what you get for free by choosing to live under our roof.  The truth is there are actually a lot of financial responsibilities we spare you by living here at home.  For instance, our wonderful central air conditioning is thoroughly enjoyed on hot and humid summer days, and yet we do not ask you to assume any financial responsibility for it.  However, there are certain items we expect you to take financial responsibility for.  We aren’t being big, fat meanies.  We are trying to ease you into the cold realities of life.  We would be handicapping you if we didn’t give you the opportunity to budget for your very real needs.

The good news is that there have already been times in your teen years you got a taste of this.  For example, we bought shampoo and conditioner for you to use, and it tended to be inexpensive brands.  However, if you desired to have a different shampoo you felt was better for your hair or smelled better, you were required to spend your own money on that and had the right to mark it as your own private stash.  Further, when you began to drive, we created a monthly amount you owed us to defray expenses for gas and insurance.

Also, we started at age 6 talking with you about the value of saving.  Generally, our formula for birthday cash was to require you to calculate and pay your tithe first, allow you to keep 10-30% (depending on your age and also how much you had received) in your wallet, and the rest went into savings.  Once you got a job, it was always reminding you to pay your tithe, suggesting you keep $20 in your wallet for spending money, and the rest going into savings.  If the cash was gone before the next paycheck, we talked with you about how you might have spent your money differently to still have a little left over.  Because we started this early, the 3 of you who have made the 18 year old milestone have started out with a nice little savings account.

And about your tithe:  someone wiser than me once phrased it as, “God gives us 90% of everything we earn.  He only wants 10% back.  That’s such a bargain for what we get—90% to spend and the blessings from tithing.”

Items We Expect You to Pay For, Post 17:

• All personal hygiene items:  shampoo, conditioner, body soap, underarm deodorant or its substitute, toothbrush/toothpaste, mouth rinses, dental floss, facial soap, acne medication, feminine hygiene, comb/brush, hair accessories, hair products, makeup, hair dryers, curling irons, straighteners, etc.
• All supplies needed for your personal communication:  cell phone and plan, stationery, postage, pens, pencils, cards, etc.
• Any items for decoration of your personal space, including bulletin boards, decoration, etc.  Items that will go on our furniture or in our rooms you are using will be bought by us, and you will probably have input into that.
• All clothing and shoes
• All accessories such as purses, belts, wallets, jewelry
• Any fees for any school, sports, or clubs you are involved in
• College tuition and textbooks
• Entertainment:  going to the movies, movie rentals, going out to eat (unless we are going as a family—that is our gift to you), tickets to events, DVDs, CDs, iTunes downloads, etc.
• Gasoline and insurance private monthly payment to us continues
• Any food that is not purchased as part of our family grocery plan.  This is kept in our cabinets in order to keep insects or rodents out of other areas of the house, but you must mark it with your name.
• Your own car, once you are gainfully employed in a full time job.
• Laundry detergent and fabric softener, if you do not wish to use ours.  Fabric softener may only be used in our washer for sheets, not clothing.  (It is very hard on the machine and not really good for you in any way except olfactory delight!)
• If you commit to provide a meal or food item for a party or individual, you are responsible for shopping for, preparing, and paying for that meal or item
• Supplies for your hobbies or interests
• Gifts you give to other people
• Personal electronics such as cameras, iPods, etc.

Love, 

Teenage Dating

Dear [child],

In 1 Samuel is the story about the children of Israel asking for a king.  Years before, God had delivered them out of Egypt, fed them when they complained, disciplined when they forgot about Him (because He knew the best thing for their lives was to acknowledge Him as God), and then finally delivered them into the Promised Land.

Years pass, and they decide they don’t like the current system of government that they’re under, which is them being responsible for themselves and then having judges to settle disputes.  They see what other countries with kings have and the grass looks greener on the other side to them.  They figure if they have a King, they’ll have more.  God hears them, tells them “no,” and then because He is so loving, tells them why.  He says how much harder their lives will be:  This will be the procedure of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and place them for himself in his chariots and among his horsemen and they will run before his chariots. ¹² He will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and of fifties, and some to do his plowing and to reap his harvest and to make his weapons of war and equipment for his chariots. ¹³ He will also take your daughters for perfumers and cooks and bakers. ¹⁴He will take the best of your fields and your vineyards and your olive groves and give them to his servants. ¹⁵ He will take a tenth of your seed and of your vineyards and give to his officers and to his servants. ¹⁶ He will also take your male servants and your female servants and your best young men and your donkeys and use them for his work. ¹⁷ He will take a tenth of your flocks, and you yourselves will become his servants.  1 Samuel 8:11-17

The children of Israel still want a king, so God gives them Saul, and BAM! within a short time, everything God said would happen does happen, and the children of Israel are miserable.  Turns out the grass they thought was greener was actually dead grass that was spray painted green to look nice, and the life of ease and benefits led to greater misery than they had ever had.

Why did God give the Children of Israel what they asked for, even though He knew what it would lead to?  Because He saw they had hardened their hearts so far that they needed to learn the hard way.  I am convinced it tore Him up, and He never felt happy when they started reaping the fruits of desire. He wasn’t angry at all for them asking for it.

He was calling them to a life of greater intimacy with Him so that He would provide the ease they so desperately wanted; they figured they knew better than He did what was best for them.    He was calling them to deny themselves and invest in a greater future; they were saying that they wanted to satisfy things in the now and not believe it was worth it to wait.  And the last reason I believe He gave them the King they asked for is because He knew that even if He didn’t, they were going to do things their way anyway.

This is exactly how I feel about creating this list for you for having a [boyfriend/girlfriend].  The reason you want a xfriend is a faulty one.  Every reason you have given us for having a xfriend we can see from our perspective is not good for you relationally, not good for the other person relationally, not good for the spouse you will ultimately marry, and not good for your relationship with God.  But, we feel like if we don’t give you these rules, you are going to retain the heart attitude that you have and not turn to God to satisfy the needs you have, anyway.  So, we will give you these rules.  We are telling you up front that your desire for a xfriend is going to result in heartache and you will find the grass is not greener, but actually a false impression altogether.

But, we love you.  So here goes:

Rules for Dating/Opposite Sex Relationship:

 NOTE:  This is a living document, which means that these rules can be expanded on at any time.

1. You tell us the name of the person you are dating and introduce him/her to us before you go on your first date.
2. Sixty percent of your time spent together is with us.
3. Your physical contact is limited to hand-holding.
4. If you are upset about some aspect of your relationship with him/her, you do not let it impact how you relate to anyone else in the family.  This doesn’t mean you deny it’s going on.  You simply have to say up front, “Listen, I’m feeling frustrated about my relationship with [person] right now.  I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t [whatever you don’t like] and give me some breathing room.”  This has not been the case for you which is why we feel we must bring it up.
5. Dates consist of being in groups in public places.
6. If you go over to that person's house to spend time with him/her, there will be other people present in the rooms where you will be, and you are only in the public areas of his/her house.
7. You need to understand that if you are dating someone, then you are saying it’s okay to be teased about it.  That’s how this house works, for whatever reason.

Love,

Mom and Dad

Expectations for Adult Children Living in Our Home

Dear TEAMS, 

We love having our children around us!  You are a joy to our lives, and we hope you know that our lives are richer because you are in it.  

Some of you are now in a season where your obligations, responsibilities, and commitments take you out of the house more.  We are thankful that you have chosen to allow us to guide you and provide security for you until you feel led to leave and take full responsibility for your physical needs.  It is an honor that you would trust us to remain a guiding force in your life when so many other children would rather be out from under their parents “rule” in this time in their lives.

Completely apart from the emotional and spiritual side of things, there is also a practical reality in terms of you being an adult and living in this house.  Part of being an adult is understanding that nothing is ever free—there is and has always been a cost to everything in life, whether that cost is emotional, financial, spiritual, or physical.  Jesus is the perfect, ultimate example of this, but there is earthly wisdom in this as well.  This concept is something that successful people not only realize but embrace.  The purpose of this document is to focus on this aspect of being an adult child in this house and allowing you to grow into acceptance of the concept of everything in life having a cost.

When you are a child, we are required by God to provide for you emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and it is a commitment we happily undertook.  However, as an adult God expects us to treat you as an adult and therefore our expectations of you are different.  If they were not, we would be hindering you from maturing into a successful adult. 

Here is what you get by choosing to live in this house:   

•  Emotional support 
• Lots of community
• Meals you don’t have to always prepare
• Freedom from rent or a mortgage 
• The use of reliable transportation
• Friendship 
• Freedom from loneliness, if you choose
• Access to all of the physical resources we as your parents have spent 20+ years investing in and accumulating
• Freedom from paying water and electricity bills 
•  Freedom from paying grocery bills 
• Nice living conditions to entertain friends in 
•  Free laundry and use of detergent 
• Access to healthy food 24/7
• A comfortable bed with bedding 
• Having a pet to love and love you
• Your own private room with furniture

All of these things we happily share with you because you are our child.  However, now that you are an adult, it is incumbent on you to realize that there is a “cost” to these benefits.  Practically speaking, it is simple reality to understand that these “things” aren’t really free.  Therefore, if you use these things as an adult, we do expect you to contribute back for their use.  Because we are good parents, we don’t expect financial reimbursement for all of these things that are available to you.  However, there are ways that we expect “payment” from you for the use of these things now that you are an adult.

1. We expect you at all times to remember that we are the parents in this home and afford us the respect that is inherent in that.  This means that we are well within our rights to interrupt what you are doing to ask you to do a task, to have expectations on your behavior for the good of the rest of the people who live here, to require you to participate in things we plan, and basically anything else we want of you.  We are respectful to you as our brothers and sisters in Christ and to our knowledge have never asked you to do anything that was wrong, sinful, unfair, or bad.  We may have asked you to do things that were inconvenient, uncomfortable, unpleasant, or you didn’t perceive as fair—but hopefully time has proven that our requests were actually not self-serving but ultimately serving your own good and the good of this family. 
2. Part of respecting us is affording us the baseline of trust, even when it’s hard.  Because we are great parents, you should trust us that we will not abuse the position we have as your authority.  In all relationships on this earth, the only ones which survive are the ones where one party, when offended, makes the conscious effort to mentally tell themselves that the other party loves them and wants the best for them and works from there, no matter how they are feeling or how they were offended.  We are mature Christian adults who would die for you and have spent [insert your age] years sacrificing for you mentally, emotionally, and physically.  When we have failed you, we have sincerely asked for your forgiveness.  We have built relationship with you even when you have wronged us and did not apologize.   If you need more than that to trust us, that’s your work that you need to do with your Heavenly Father, not ours, but it is work that needs to be done as payment.
3. Technically speaking, we own everything you see, feel, and use in this house--our water, our furniture, our rooms, our groceries, etc.  We expect you to treat these things with regard to the others who are living in this home.  That means that if you do something to these things that will make it harder for the next person to enjoy that thing, then you are responsible to restore it to a nice condition.  For consumable items, we expect you to follow the rules established when you were a child to put things that are used up on the list, and to ask others if they want x, y or z before using the last of it, and to use consumable items wisely according to the rules set forth for them.  Further, while you have a privilege to use the things in this house, your privilege does not supersede the privileges of the other people living in this home because you are an adult with adult activities and responsibilities.  The washing machine is a good example of this:  no one except the owners of the washing machine get to decide how and when it is used.  If the owners have worked out a schedule for the washing machine, it is to be followed by the non-owners of the washing machine…and if the owners don’t want to follow those same rules, it is their own prerogative.  That is the joy of being the actual owner of grownup things--we have additional responsibilities for those things, but we also get the full benefits of those things.
4. We are well within our rights as owners of this home and as adults who are responsible for the welfare of 3 minors and responsible for our own mental health to expect your behavior to contribute to a pleasant environment in this house.  Further, we are mature Christians who are pretty intelligent and wise and desire to work out problems in a constructive way when there is relational conflict in our home.  It is unacceptable to us for anyone in our home to treat another person living in this home disrespectfully or unkindly with words or deeds.  We have certainly failed all of you in this area, but we have always tried to submit ourselves to God for His correction in this area and then to ask sincere forgiveness, and continue to try to improve in this area.  As the owners of this home, as your parents, and as people who have added responsibilities you aren’t even aware of, if WE have to do it, so do you.  This is part of the cost of having the benefits listed above.  You do what it takes to get along with the others in this house almost all the time, and when you don’t, you work it out with them constructively and in a timely fashion.  
5. Practically, we expect you to participate in the work needed to maintain this house and grounds.  If you use the kitchen, bathrooms, floors, and furniture in this house (which you do), you are 1/7^th of making the mess in the house and therefore you are responsible to help clean it up.  Because Mommy is the manager of the home, she administrates how that work gets done and in what timetable, and her rules for this aspect of housekeeping supercede what you have to do each day.  This might not be convenient to your goals for each day, but this house’s manager is continually working for the greater good of everyone in the home and therefore those rules should be followed daily.  One way you can make peace with this is to picture what your day would look like if you were responsible for everything that the other 6 people in this house do to maintain it.  Having only 1/7^th of the responsibility will seem much more doable if you take the time to imagine all the things that occur in this home each day just to maintain it and how many people do them.

There are other things that have not been thought of in constructing this expectation sheet, but the 5 things addressed will certainly make it easier and are enough to take in.  We understand in setting forth these expectations you might decide you would rather forego the benefits you get by living here and instead live someplace else and enjoy the benefits that brings.  We would be sad if you left, but we also love you enough to bless that choice.  However, the 5 things listed above are non-negotiable.

We could not be prouder of who you are and look forward to the rest of your lifetime with you, no matter where that takes you.

Love, Mommy and Daddy