Discipline—How to Discipline a Child, Paddies Needed

Dear TEAMS,

I have been speaking with you about discipline as training, and I wanted to talk with you about spanking, which we did with you.

We did not call it spanking in our house because of the negative connotation society has associated with that word.  It has, in some circles, become synonymous with abuse.  And it bears restating that spanking that is emotion-led and from a heart of frustration is abuse, in my book.  We instead used the term “paddies,” mostly because if we were overheard warning you that “Paddies are next…” in public it might raise eyebrows but wouldn’t get the same emotional reaction as “spankings.”

First though, a few guidelines…a checklist for you to evaluate your heart and make sure you are keeping paddies effective:

• Paddies are not done to “show who’s the boss” or exercise power over the child.  Kids already know adults are in charge.  Paddies are creating an unpleasant experience for the child to associate with the behavior that is not good for them to have.
• Paddies are never done with a hand.  We had the “Paddy Spoon.”  Some days, I had to walk around with it in my back pocket.  S managed to hide the Paddy Spoon on me fairly often…one day I found it in the van!  I wanted you to associate my hand with tender love, not tough love.  Also, having "the Spoon" made it easier to have a secret message for an offender.  As in, if one of you was doing something wrong and we were in a group, I could pull out the spoon and point to it to send you a clear message.
• Paddies are only ever given as a backup after another form of training has not stopped the undesirable behavior.  So, if redirection didn’t work, and then sitting quietly in the chair in the middle of the room didn’t work, then paddies were used.  Please see the last post for a script I used.
• Paddies are only ever administrated in the sequence listed below, because paddies don’t change a heart.
• If you are emotionally frustrated or angry, you should not use paddies because they will be harder than you need (and really want to administer).
• If there are multiple paddies being given in a day, the fault lies with you, not the child.  The child is trying to get attention.  Stop what you’re doing and spend time with them, or with all the children.



Our actual Paddy Spoon, Third Edition

• There is a point at which paddies became less effective and we had greater leverage by withdrawing desired things.  I think by the age of 6 all of you were at a point that I found paddies less effective for the “big stuff.”  There might have been one or two events later, but they must have been fairly serious infractions.

How We Used Paddies (All Steps Necessary):

1. [Child does undesirable behavior.  Pull child away from place where they are to more private place. Do the process I spoke of in the last post.  If child continues disobedience…]
2. [Name of child], if you continue to do what you are doing, you will get paddies.  Do you want to get paddies?  (Because you are not idiots, the answer was always, No.)
3. Okay, well I am going to count to 3.  If you are still [doing whatever] by the time I get to 3, you will have to go get the spoon.  (I couldn’t always have you guys fetch the spoon, but it added to the time you had to think.)
4. 1….2… (by this time I was really praying you’d make a good choice to end it)….3.  If the behavior didn’t stop…
5. Take the child to a private area.
6. Say, “Do you know why you are getting paddies?”  (Wait for answer.  I don’t remember if you ever didn’t know, but if you didn’t then I wouldn’t have administered paddies.  But with all of the previous steps warning you, I was pretty sure we were in the “willful disobedience” waters.)
7. What Rule of the House does that break?  (They answer.)
8. Okay, so now I am giving you 2 paddies because [restated what they did wrong so they associate the action with the paddies].  I usually administered the paddies at the top of the back of the leg, or at the side of the thigh.  I did not swing my arm back high, but usually used my wrist.  The only tears I was looking for were tears of repentance, not of pain.
9. After the two paddies were administered, I would then ask you why you got paddies.  (I know it seems like overkill, but I wanted you to really make the connection with the behavior and something undesirable happening.)
10. Then I asked hugged you and told you that I loved you and that I was sorry you made that choice.  I also prayed with you, asking the Father to make the discipline be something that would help you in your life.  I also told you that if you did it again, the next time you would get 4 paddies.  (And they would increase by 2 every time.)  Rarely would you go back out and repeat the infraction and we had to repeat the exercise and give 4.  There were two separate times 2 of you got more.  It was traumatic for me, but I kept a straight face and you got the message when we hit double digits.

Many of my extended family didn’t approve of us using “corporal punishment,” as they called it.  That was hard for me.  But, as with all things your father and I did, we came back to the litmus test of “Are we raising children who will be successful adults because they understand the greater concepts of the ‘real’ world?”  In the real world, there are natural consequences for bad choices.  It might be as subtle as withdrawing conversation from someone at a party who makes the bad choice of talking about themself all the time, or it might be as blatant as prison for committing a crime.  But that is the real world.  The point is to encourage the child to make good choices even when he/she doesn’t feel like it, even if he/she is tired, even if he/she doesn’t like the way things are.  And to be giving so much love that paddies are a blip on a screen surrounded by acceptance, kindness, and solid relationship.

Love,