Dear TEAMS,
In my last post, I made it clear that marriage is not about
anything you are trained by certain media to believe. It is so much richer!
So, conceptually, a rich marriage contains items in 3 categories: business, friendship, and romance.
Friendship contains
the stuff you do that you do with friends:
recreational activities, social activities, sitting and talking together
about common interests, getting coffee, etc.
It’s feeling comfortable with that person all the time, usually because
you have similar interests and convictions about life, religion, politics, and
a similar sense of humor. As with any friendships,
as one person grows in their individual interests—or, conversely, becomes more
selfish or ingrown—the other party is affected by those choices and must adapt
to that person’s state of being. In the
friendship aspect of marriage, since there is an understood lifelong
commitment, both parties must work through the changes so the marriage remains
mutually beneficial.
Reception Hall Getting Set Up for A's Wedding! |
Business is what
consumes most of a marriage. It is the
day-to-day, administrative “stuff” that is always in our lives. It revolves around finances, kids, housing,
food, career, religious involvement, academics, work, etc. Your father and I are constantly trying to
answer questions about what our next move is in x, y, or z. You kids are constantly needing a game plan
about your own xs, ys, and zs as well, and so we try to get on the same page
about it all. Business is probably the
least romantic of the three, especially to the woman. But where both of you come down on these
areas warrants careful consideration to keep conflict in the acceptable range
of marriage.
Here’s another thing the movies don’t tell you: because we are fallible humans, rarely are
all 3 areas strong at the same time in any marriage. However, when two are exceptionally strong
and the third is And
sometimes, especially in years of great stress and growth, only one area can be
relied upon by both parties in marriage to sustain the marriage. This can be incredibly hard and create cracks
and opportunities for bitterness and malice to creep in, or what the Bible
refers to as “giving the devil a foothold.”
being nurtured, the marriage is life-giving to each party and is a “successful” marriage.
being nurtured, the marriage is life-giving to each party and is a “successful” marriage.
This is why I mentioned in my first post that the only
reason your father and I have some authority in this area is because we chose to stay, even when life got
hard. And let me tell you why…something
that the world cannot understand until they get over themselves and start to believe
God is Who He says He is:
Your father and I actually were married to Another before we
married each other, and our loyalty remains to our first Love.
The minute your father and I chose to believe the Bible was
true—even if we could not understand everything in it—we married our
Creator. We chose to have and to hold
Him, from this day forward, ‘til death do us finally meet. We chose to believe He loved us like no other
person ever would and that He alone would be our sustenance and supply all our
needs according to His amazing wealth and what was done through Christ on
earth.
So, despite the way I swoon over Jerry telling Dorothy in Jerry Macguire that “you complete me,”
there is a fundamental error in that saying.
Of course, I wish I was a princess 100% of the time in your father’s
eyes, as much as he wishes he felt honored by me 100% of the time. But there was ever only one person who walked
the earth that could do that, and we missed meeting Him in person by 2000
years.
Of course, the good news is that we can get to know Him even
now. The Bible declares that my Maker is
my husband (Is. 54:5), and that has been my solace many times in my marriage…as
it has for your father. No one person
will ever be the perfect spouse for you, and marriage isn’t about that. Marriage is a cherished, exclusive, intimate
relationship you can only have with one other.
But it cannot ever satisfy every whim and desire and “should” you feel
is owed to you as a spouse.
Which brings me to my next point. Someone wiser than me once said, “Love can’t
wait to give, lust can’t wait to get.” I
talk about this in my next post.
Love,